That night, as I drove to my mom’s place to return her pasta bowl from the party and to eat dinner together, my phone buzzed with a text from Seth.
I read his message as soon as I pulled into a parking space at her apartment building.
Check out this awesome cabin when you get a chance. It looks almost like the one I used to go to with my dad.
I smiled at my phone. Will do. About to go up to see Mom.
Behave, he wrote, adding a wink emoji. And tell Bonnie I said hi.
I smiled all the way up in the elevator and until I got to her door. I half expected Bruce to be the one to greet me, and my stomach unclenched the moment I realized it would be just the two of us. Because I was still a jerk and needed time to get acclimated. Not that I wanted Mom to know I had cried on Seth’s shoulder because I was still having trouble with the idea. I didn’t want to ruin anything for her, so it was better if I kept my shit together.
“Hi, honey,” she said with a smile as I stepped inside.
“Hey, Ma.” I glanced around the space like someone would appear from around the corner. I immediately thrust the thought from my brain. I did not need to be thinking about what room anyone would be coming out of at any time of day when it came to my mother.
“Pizza and salad okay?” she asked.
“Of course.” I eyed the delivery box in the center of the table. “Can I help you with anything?”
“Nope, I’m all set.” She placed a large bowl of salad beside the pizza. “Just grab yourself a drink.”
So I did, then sat down as Mom used the tongs to serve us salad, and it was awkward between us for the first time in…maybe ever. And it was all my fault for responding the way I did the other night. I needed to fix it so there wouldn’t be this weird tension between us anymore. I was a mature adult, after all.
I wiped my mouth after taking a bite of my pizza. “Do you want to tell me about Bruce?”
She arched an eyebrow. “I don’t know. Are you going to respond the same way again?”
“No. I’m sorry.” My shoulders deflated. “I was having a bad night. He seems like a good guy.”
“He is.” Her eyes glowed in a way I hadn’t seen before. I rubbed at a stitch in my chest. After we left my dad, it was as if all the light had gone out of her, so no matter how much trouble I was having adapting to all this, it was still nice to see. “He’s kind and sweet and makes me feel good about myself.”
Suddenly I got choked up and immediately cleared my throat, trying to keep it together. I reached for my glass and downed the cool water. Wasn’t that what I’d always wanted for Mom? For her to know her own worth, and, of course, feel safe with anyone she chose to spend her time with.
“I’m glad to hear it,” I said in a rough voice, and she gave me a withering look. “I am. Of course I want you to be happy. How did you two meet?”
She smiled and looked toward the door as if remembering the moment fondly. “At a mixer. He lives on the seventh floor.”
I bristled; couldn’t help myself. “Have you talked about what might happen if—”
“Yes,” she replied in an exasperated tone. “We decided to take it very slow and become friends first so that maybe we can still be friends if dating doesn’t work out between us.” She placed her fork down and gave me a pointed look. “I’m not going into this blindly. And not every man is going to become violent. Just because he lives in the building doesn’t mean—”
“Fuck, you’re right. I did it again.” I shut my eyes and reined in my breaths. “Guess I’m a work in progress.”
She reached for my hand across the table and squeezed. “We both are, honey.”
After that it felt a bit easier between us, even though the air wasn’t completely cleared. I was still holding all my bigger fears and worries inside but figured I had time to work through them later. We ate and talked about work, and I told her about Brett’s reaction to the news today. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, assuring me he’d get there.
“Speaking of Seth, what’s new with the two of you?”
I couldn’t keep the grin off my face even if I tried. “We’re gonna rent a cabin by the lake and go away for the weekend, just the two of us.”
“Sounds perfect.”
I sighed and sat back. “It does, doesn’t it?”
29
Seth
I sat outside the apartment building, as though something bad was going to happen to me if I got out of my car and went inside. It was silly—more than silly, ridiculous even. I knew that. I understood that. I could acknowledge those things until I was blue in the face, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t freaking out.
I couldn’t understand why I was so stressed. I’d fought my mom on coming to Portland for college when she’d wanted me to stay home. I was twenty-one years old. There was no reason I couldn’t live where I wanted. I had my inheritance from my dad, so I didn’t need her money. If I needed to, I could look for a full-time job. I wanted to work more often. There were so many things I wanted but had never allowed myself to have because it was easier to let her run my life for me.
Because I loved her. Because I didn’t want to let her down. Maybe because the Colton thing made me feel like I couldn’t make my own smart decisions. I didn’t quite know all the reasons. But God, I needed to live.
So I took a couple of deep breaths and got out of my car. The apartment I was going to look at was in Jake’s neighborhood, though that wasn’t why I was interested. It was the vibe I liked. It was cozy here, the complex cute and older and simple in this way I loved. At least that was how it had looked online.
I hadn’t told Jake or Jesse that I was going to look at it. I knew both of them would have offered to come, and while I appreciated it, I wanted to do this on my own.
I headed for the office first, the way I’d been instructed when I made my appointment. I was meeting with a man named Craig, who would be showing me the unit.
He was in the office when I got there, shaking hands with a woman whose little girl looked up at me with big eyes and said, “Wow. Your makeup is pretty. I didn’t know boys could wear makeup.”
I immediately froze, but tried not to react. I didn’t know what her mom was like or what she had been taught, but what I did know was that boys could wear makeup. I’d gone back and forth about wearing it today, but I liked the way makeup made me feel. I always had, and I was determined to try and let that be all that mattered.
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry!” the mom turned to say to me just as I replied to the little girl, “Some boys wear makeup, and some don’t.” I breathed in relief.
The mom looked back at me. “I like the shade of your red lipstick.”
“Thanks.”
The two left, and Craig held out his hand for me. “Seth, right?”
“Yeah, it’s nice to meet you.”
“You too. You wanted to see a one-bedroom unit?”
I nodded, and he got some paperwork and led the way outside. He talked about the complex, activities, the exercise room, and showed me the courtyard, which had a beautiful fountain. “I love it.”