I felt like everything was coming together, like my life was changing and I was finally settling into who I was in ways I’d never really let myself do before. Mom had called earlier in the week, and I’d ignored it and not called her back, but I wasn’t going to let myself focus on that.
When there was a knock on my apartment door, I looked up from where I sat on the living room floor, going through books, and called out, “Come in.”
Jesse opened the door. “Wow. You don’t usually do that without seeing who it is.”
Oh…I hadn’t even thought of that. “I knew it was you.” We’d been wanting to have a Frank Sinatra night at the Underground for a while, and we were doing it tonight.
Jesse laid two hangers covered with garment bags over the back of the couch. “How’s my sex-fiend bestie doing today?”
“Oh my God.” I rolled my eyes as he sat on the floor across from me. “I shouldn’t have told you.” Like that was going to happen. Honestly, I enjoyed that he could call me that now.
“Yeah, okay. You love it and don’t deny it.” Jesse winked.
Ugh. He was right. “I’ve only had sex twice. How can I be a fiend?”
“Twice? You slut!” He playfully swatted my arm.
“Jake stayed here last night,” I admitted.
“Ooh, tell me more.”
I trembled. “It was so good. He does this thing with his tongue…he really likes to…you know.”
“Rim you? You can say it. If you can do it, you should be able to say it.”
“Rim me. Are you happy now?”
Jesse waggled his eyebrows. “Not as happy as you are now that you’re getting some,” he replied, and we dissolved into a fit of laughter. God, I felt perfect, happy. “You’re smiling,” Jesse added.
“I just…” I didn’t know how to put into words what I felt. “I never thought I’d live my own life. I know it’s silly. Most people would look at me and not understand. I’m twenty-one; why do I let my mom run my life?”
“Fuck most people.” Jesse shrugged. “They’re not you. They haven’t walked in your shoes. It’s easy to point fingers and judge others when really, we all have our shit.”
“I know, but I get it too. I think I’ve been too afraid to take control over my own life. It was easier to let Mom run it, easier to let myself use what happened with Colton, the guy I told you about, as a reason not to move forward, because I was scared. Now I’m breaking out of that shell. I don’t even remember the last time I had a nightmare. It’s like I was holding myself back all that time, and now I’m not and it’s amazing, but I’m still afraid too, though I don’t want to be. My mom, she’s not going to get it at all, and again, I know it shouldn’t matter, but she lost it when Dad died. She’s the strongest person I know, and she broke. I don’t want to hurt her.” I shook my head. “I don’t know. I’m rambling.”
“You can ramble with me anytime. Cut yourself some slack, okay?”
I was pretty sure all this had to do with my fear of talking to my mom, and that made me feel… Like a child. Made me feel weak. I was so damn tired of feeling that way. Colton had made me feel weak too. “Ugh. I don’t know why I went off on all that. I don’t want to ruin my week. I got a new car, a new apartment, a boyfriend, and I’m apparently a slut,” I teased, and we started laughing again.
“So…I wanna show you some costumes I got for tonight. You totally don’t have to wear them, but I saw them online and fell in love.”
“Okay, now I’m nervous.”
We stood up, and I followed Jesse over to where he’d laid the garments. He opened the first bag to reveal a cropped and sleeveless suit jacket. There were also suit pants; well, shorts. Really, really short shorts, about the size of boxer trunks, similar to what they wore in the Playground when they danced, and while that wasn’t a big deal to a lot of the guys, it was unfamiliar territory for me.
“You can button the top and wear it without a shirt. I’m going to. Or there’s a sleeveless, cropped dress shirt too. We already have fedoras. We’ll look really fucking hot. Dane almost blew his load when I tried it on.” He grinned, but I couldn’t stop looking at the outfit. It was…so not me in a lot of ways. I’d never worn something like that before, but as I stared at it, Jesus, I wanted to wear it. I wanted to look sexy and confident. I wanted to drive Jake wild, but didn’t even know if he would like something like this.
But I did. I really, really did.
“Like I said, you don’t have to wear it. You have that other suit. Seriously, no obligations, okay?”
“I want to.” I was so damn tired of playing it safe. I wanted to do something different. To step out of my comfort zone and experience new things.
“Really?”
“Yes.” My pulse raced with excitement. “And I want to do our makeup. Can I? We can do something really special. I wanna go all out. I want to feel like…” Well, like I did when Jake touched me. Strong and desired. Confident. I didn’t tell Jesse that part, though.
“Hell yeah! Methinks the Underground is in for a big surprise tonight. Maybe Jake will even drag you into the storage room and ravage you afterward.”
“Or maybe I’ll be the one to pull him in there and ravage him.”
“My boy has grown up,” Jesse teased, hugging me. “Okay, let’s scrap the packing and try this shit on, then figure out our looks for tonight. I’ll call Dane and tell him I’m staying with you until work and we’ll meet him there.”
“Okay.”
I shot a text to Jake, checking in to confirm he was going to be at the Underground tonight. We’d talked about staying at his place afterward.
Yeah, I’ll be there. I love watching you play.
I smiled. How had this become my life? I’d looked at Jesse or people like Skylar and wanted things they had, but never thought I’d have it. Now, now I was going to take it. I’m gonna get ready with Jesse tonight. I’ll see you when you get there. I hit Send, then added, Miss you.
Miss you too.
I looked up at Jesse, who was watching me. “You’re so totally in love with him.”
“I am.”
“Have you told him?”
“Not yet. I… What if he doesn’t feel the same?”
“Then he’s crazy. He’d be a fool not to love you, but I have a feeling your big, protective teddy bear is as gone for you as you are him.”
I hoped so, and maybe tonight I’d tell him how I felt.
34
Jake
“Earth to Jake,” Mia said.
I glanced up from my phone after responding to Seth’s text and blinked. “Christ, sorry.”
She had been trying to tell me about a big shipment that’d come into the garage, and I had totally spaced out on her. I’d been doing that a bit too much lately, like my head was somewhere up in the clouds.
She quirked a brow. “Got something or someone on your mind?”
A blush crawled over my cheeks. “Busted.”