We left our meals sitting on the table virtually untouched. As usual, Xander left more than enough money to cover the bill. We got into his car and neither of us spoke as we headed back to San Diego.
The ride seemed to last forever. Every passing minute in the car was full of tension. I couldn’t wait to get to the safety of my apartment. I couldn’t deal with being near him but yet so far away.
“Thanks for a nice time today,” I told him when he pulled onto my street.
“Evie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea about what was happening between us.”
I shot him a dirty look. “Don’t you dare do that. Don’t try and make this out to be all in my head. You know that’s bullshit.”
He pulled to a stop in the parking lot of my complex. “It isn’t in your head. I was going to leave yesterday. I chose to stay because I wanted to be with you. I wanted to forget about everything. Being with you makes me feel normal. It’s an escape from my reality.”
I could hear the pain in his voice and couldn’t stay mad at him. I didn’t believe he was intentionally hurting me. Unfortunately, it just came naturally to him. “I get it. I’m glad I could serve as a distraction.”
“Stop. It’s not what I meant.”
“Look, you’ve got some shit to deal with. I get it. I’ve tried to be there for you, but this isn’t going to work for me. You can’t keep coming in and out of my life and making me feel things. You know where I am if you ever change your mind.”
“Can I call you tomorrow?” he asked.
“No.”
He didn’t look surprised. “Goodbye, Evie.”
I got out of the car and practically ran for the elevator. I made it into my apartment before the tears began to flow. I didn’t believe he was trying to hurt me. I knew he cared about me. I was a danger to him. He was afraid to care about me because he didn’t want to feel pain.
I didn’t know how to navigate the relationship with the way things were. I wasn’t a quitter, but damn, a girl could only take so much. Again, my father’s advice flashed through my mind. Did I want to regret not trying harder?
“What else can I do?” I sobbed.
He was a broken man. Love and relationships had not been kind to him. The two people that had shown him unconditional love had died on him. I could understand why he had some hang-ups, but damn, I wanted him to move forward.
I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower. Our goodbye was not exactly the way I would have liked it to go down. I knew I wouldn’t see him again. He wasn’t going to call and tell me he was flying out. He wasn’t going to stop by. The brief, slightly terse exchange in his car, that was our goodbye. For all I knew, he was on his way to the airport already.
A fresh wave of sadness bubbled up. I turned my face to the shower spray, letting the water mingle with my tears. I told myself I had to be strong. I needed to be patient. The man needed time to work through his issues. Was I willing to wait?
That was not my style. I was a fixer. I needed to fix what was broken. Unfortunately, I had a feeling the fixing was more of an internal repair job and I could do nothing to aid in it. I had to sit idly by, watching him destroy himself and hope like hell he could see the light eventually.
“Please, please let him come back to me,” I begged.
Chapter 63
Xander
This was probably one of the top ten dumbest things I had done in my life. In fact, it could be in the top five. I turned off the engine of my car but made no move to actually get out. I was still trying to talk myself into keeping the appointment I had made. I knew if I didn’t call and make an appointment, I would never actually follow through with it.
I stared up at the building for several long minutes. I was a grown man. I was a successful, grown man. I should not be intimidated. I would not be intimidated. I could do this. I needed to do this. It wasn’t for me. It was for Charlie and his guys. One moment of humility would not kill me.
I opened the car door and climbed out. My shoes felt like cement blocks as I made my way inside the building that was all too familiar. I followed the directions from the registry and made my way down the hall. I paused in front of his door and reviewed what I would say to the man that had tried to kill my dreams.
“Fuck it,” I mumbled under my breath and knocked on the door.
“Come in,” Professor Marsh hollered.
Just hearing his voice made me cringe. The last two times I’d seen the man had been akin to the start of a world war. We didn’t like each other. I doubted we ever would. I took a deep breath and reminded myself jail was not the place I wanted to be. I needed to keep my hands to myself.
I opened the door to find him sitting at his desk. It was a flashback. He looked up, his eyes going wide before he looked at the computer screen. “You?” he asked. “You’re my ten o’clock?”
I shrugged. “I didn’t think you would see me if I used my real name.”
Shocking the shit out of me, he actually smiled. “Maybe, maybe not. One will never know. Have a seat.”
I was cautious. It was like climbing into a cage with a lion. I sat down, never taking my eyes off him. “Thanks.”
“Why are you here?” he asked, skipping any niceties.
Evie was the one who’d suggested I go to him. I knew it was a bad idea. His feelings for me had not changed. He was still just as pissed at me as he had been all those years ago. Hell, recently as well. “Evie suggested I come to you with a situation I’m dealing with.”
“Me?” he asked with surprise. That told me she hadn’t told him about her idea. I didn’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to tell him either.
“Yes, I’m in a bit of a bind and Evie suggested you might be able to help.”
“I’m supposed to help you?” he asked.
I cleared my throat. I could feel my pride and dignity slipping away. “Yes. Technically, it wouldn’t be for me.”
“That changes things,” he mumbled.
I wasn’t sure what Evie was thinking, but it was very clear his feelings for me had not changed. I was sure it was wishful thinking on her part. He hated me just as much today as he had ten years ago. Hell, probably more now that he knew me and his daughter had a thing. Maybe it was all a setup. He pretended to be okay with me in order to put her mind at ease. I was really beginning to think I’d walked into a trap.
“I have a new idea that was supposed to be presented to the shipping world. As you know, I had some personal matters to deal with and the proposal was never made. Because of that, the company that generally handles the bulk of the work is looking at some serious problems. Employees were hired to handle the expected uptick in business.”
“But you screwed everyone over because you were too focused on yourself,” he said.
I frowned at him. “I don’t think you have that entirely correct. I did not tell anyone to hire a full crew. I have no way of predicting whether or not the design would have taken off or not. There could have been no bites for all I know.”
“You don’t believe that,” he said and leaned back in his chair. “You were confident you would sell it and the company you are talking about believed in your confidence. This feels eerily similar to what I warned you about way back when.”