“I think this is all a little creepy,” I told him after a while.
“You don’t like being surrounded by wax figures staring at you,” he teased.
“It’s giving me the heebie-jeebies.”
He burst into laughter. “It is a little creepy. Cool but creepy. Do you want to check out some of the shops? We could go to the Dolby?”
“Do you actually want to go shopping?” I questioned. I got the impression he was trying to make me happy, doing things that he thought I wanted to do as a way to appease me. I didn’t need appeasing.
“I don’t mind browsing,” he answered.
It wasn’t exactly an enthusiastic answer, but I would go with it. We spent a few more hours doing absolutely nothing except walking around and seeing all there was to see.
“I think we crammed three days of sightseeing and shopping into six hours,” I told him. I leaned my head against the headrest of the passenger seat of his car and closed my eyes. “I am exhausted.”
“You and me both,” he answered.
I turned my head to look at him. Of course, he was beat. He didn’t sleep last night and had just spent a marathon day sightseeing. “I’m sorry. I should have remembered you were already tired. I would have been perfectly content sitting on the beach with you.”
“No, this was fun. This was exactly what I wanted to do.”
“It was a lot of fun.”
“Should we grab dinner before we head back?” he asked.
“We don’t have to,” I told him, seeing the lines around his eyes and the circles under his eyes.
“We need food. I’m starving. We could grab something fast and casual.”
“That sounds perfect.”
We drove out of the heart of the city and found a little diner decked out in retro fifties gear. We were both dragging ass as we slid into a booth with a shiny red table between us. There was a jukebox playing old forty-fives and lots of fifties memorabilia hanging from the walls. “I bet they have legit ice cream shakes here,” I said and opened my menu.
“Oh, I want chocolate,” he replied.
We both ordered big burgers, fries, and the traditional shakes, which were quickly delivered in tall glasses. I tried to take a drink from the shake, but it was far too thick. I was desperate for a taste and moved the straw to the side to drink straight from the glass.
“Ah, so good,” I said after the initial taste.
He reached across the table and swiped his thumb over my lips. “You had a little something there,” he said with a grin.
I burst into a fit of giggles, encouraged by my total exhaustion. “Sorry, I really get into my food.”
“Don’t be sorry. It was cute.”
In a flash, the mood changed. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, but suddenly, reality crashed down on us. We had both been playing a game all day. Neither of us wanted to address the giant elephant in the room. I couldn’t operate that way. I needed answers. I needed to know what came next. I couldn’t wake up every day and wonder if he was still around or if he had fled in the night.
“Xander, what are we doing?” I asked, looking directly into his eyes.
He stared back at me. I could see the turmoil and uncertainty he was dealing with. “We’re having dinner,” he answered.
I tilted my head to the side. “You know that’s not what I mean.”
“We spent a good day together. Does it have to be anything more than that?”
My father’s words echoed through my mind. He said I put too much weight on labeling emotions. Maybe I did, but I didn’t like the limbo. “That’s it?”
My voice felt raw. In that moment, I knew I was in love with him. That wouldn’t have been a terrible thing, but I was in love with a man that didn’t want to be loved. I didn’t know if he knew how to love in return. It was just my luck.
“Evie, I don’t know. I’m not sure what you’re asking.”
“I think you do, but you’re avoiding it. Today was all about avoidance. I went along with it, but don’t you think we need to talk about what is really happening here?”
“Why don’t you tell me what you think is happening?” he asked, irritation evident in his voice.
I shrugged. “I have no idea. I don’t know what you want from me. I feel like I’m dangling on the end of a yo-yo. It’s up and down, push and pull.”
He rubbed a hand over his eyes. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”
“You have to have some kind of idea about what you are feeling. I just need a clue. I need to know which way to go from here.”
The waitress brought us our massive burgers. She was way too cheery for my current mood. I thanked her and waited for her to leave. Staring at the hamburger that was the size of the damn plate it was on made me a little nauseated. I wasn’t hungry anymore. Ten minutes ago, I had been famished. Now, I wanted nothing.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he started, and I felt my heart plummet. It was not the way to start a sentence unless you were letting someone down.
He was dumping me. Again. I had to be some kind of idiot to keep putting myself in front of him just so he could dump me over and over. At some point, I had to learn a lesson.
“But you are going to do it anyway,” I said with a sigh.
“That isn’t my intention.”
“Just say what you need to say,” I murmured. It was better to get it over with.
“I’m not in a position to be with anyone.”
I rolled my eyes. “Because?”
“You know me. I’m not good at this kind of thing. I’m not good at relationships in general. The one person in this world that I truly cared about is gone.”
He may as well have slapped me. It hurt. His words tore at my heart. “I see,” I said, nearly choking on the words.
“Kade got me. He understood me. He was… well, he was the one person that I could say I had a meaningful relationship with. He’s gone. His death has turned me inside out. I can’t do this again. I can’t feel like this ever again.”
“Grief?” I questioned. “That’s what you don’t want to feel again?”
“No, I don’t. I can’t.”
I slowly nodded. “I understand. Your solution to your situation is to avoid relationships so you never have to experience loss. You would prefer to be permanently be alone than to know love and maybe feel some pain.”
“I guess if you want to put it like that,” he answered.
“I do.”
I picked up a fry and dipped it in ketchup. It didn’t help. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to sit across from him while he kicked me to the curb and pretended everything was okay. It wasn’t okay. I wasn’t going to be his security blanket to pull over himself when he was feeling bad and then tossed to the side when he was over it.
“Evie, I’m sorry,” he started to say.
“Please don’t. In fact, if you don’t mind, I think I’m ready to go home. I need to get some things done before tomorrow morning.”
He slowly nodded. He had barely touched his own meal. It seemed like a waste but that was the least of my concerns. “All right.”