Moving in with Ian still made me a little short of breath. I hadn’t even really lived with Jake, and here I was, moving in with a guy I wasn’t even dating. Breathing a laugh, I bit back the manic laugh that threatened to break free. It was all so surreal.
“Why don’t I show you the rooms.”
I followed his broad back down around a corner behind the ridiculously modern kitchen.
“All the bedrooms are down here. If you turn the corner at the other side of the living room, there’s an office you’re welcome to use. But this first room is Audrey’s.” He gestured inside, and I choked on my breath.
“It’s exactly the same.”
“But bigger. I didn’t have any clue what baby stuff to get, so I just copied what you had.”
“Ian, this is amazing.”
“I figured at some point she’d stay here.”
“Yeah,” I breathed. It was moments like this when it hit me how Ian and I had avoided talking about what our future looked like. We made Audrey the center of our universe and just took each play as it came. Which was the opposite of who I was. I liked everything planned perfectly, but with Ian, my fear of the feelings that constantly hummed beneath the surface of my veneer scared me more than any chaos could.
“This room is yours. Again, change whatever you like. We can throw out everything and bring your stuff in. Hell, we can throw out everything and start from scratch.”
The room had the same wood floors and brick walls. The large windows made the large space seem even bigger, and the bright sun shining in made me want to twirl and fall back on the fluffy gray comforter. “This is perfect.”
“Awesome. The bathroom is through that door over there and connects to Audrey’s room.”
“Perfect,” I said again like a broken record.
“Why don’t we head downstairs and grab some more boxes?”
“Okay. Aunt Vivian said she’d watch Audrey as long as we needed her.”
“Great. Let’s see how much we can get done today and then go from there.”
Five hours later, everything on me ached, and I couldn’t wait to collapse and nurse Audrey until we both passed out.
“We can get the rest of the stuff later. Your lease isn’t up for a few more months, so we have time.”
“Sounds perfect,” I sighed, falling back on Ian’s couch.
Ian picked Audrey up out of the car seat and sat right next to me. Audrey made herself comfortable on his chest, placing her tiny thumb between her rosebud lips. Her big blue eyes blinked a few times before growing heavy, like Ian’s heartbeat lulled her back to sleep.
“This sunset may make the whole move worth it.”
We sat on the couch facing the wall of windows, the orange and golden colors warming up the entire space.
“This sunset and no more tripping and almost breaking my neck.”
“I can’t believe you’ve been sleeping on my couch this whole time when you had this place sitting empty.”
I’d been grateful not to be alone, but who wouldn’t want to be in their own home with their own things in a bed big enough to hold them?
“Home isn’t the place,” he explained softly. “It’s the people. So, I was happy to be with you guys.”
I rolled my head against the back of the couch to look his way in time to watch him place a soft kiss to Audrey’s head, and my heart ached.
“Why do you have such a big place?” I asked in the silence, the stars starting to peek out in the darkened sky.
He shrugged. “I guess I always wanted to fill it with a family of my own.”
For the first time, with Ian saying something so serious to me, I didn’t scoff or make light of it. His easy sense of humor and child-like attitude made it easy to pigeon hole him into this aloof playboy. And maybe that was what he had been, but this apartment screamed how wrong I’d been, thinking it was what he always wanted to be. I’d distracted myself from Ian, focusing all my attention on our baby. I’d used his jokes as a wall to keep space around my heart. I told myself I needed someone serious by my side.
But right then, with his face glowing in the light, holding our little girl cradled safely against his chest, I felt the first crack in the wall begin, and I worried what really living together was going to do to my restraint. This wasn’t him staying over to be with Audrey. This was me giving up a huge part of myself and making a new home with him.
It was terrifying, and I held on to that fear to patch the crack up the best I could.
“Well, it’s beautiful,” I choked out.
“Thank you.”
“How about dinner?”
“I won’t turn down some food. All that moving made me hungry. Where do you want to order from?”
“I can cook.”
He turned to me with a raised eyebrow. “Damn, woman. You cook too? I’ve died and gone to heaven.”
His eyes heated as they scanned as much of me as he could reach over Audrey’s head, and I looked away, laughing to hide the heat simmering on my cheeks.
“Fair warning, my kitchen is a little lacking.”
“I’ll make do.”
Those were my famous last words. I opened empty cupboard after empty cupboard, coming up with a single pot and a couple cooking utensils.
“Oh, my god, Ian. This is horrible.”
He’d set Audrey in her rocker and leaned against the back of the couch. “I tried to warn you.”
My shoulders shrugged over a heavy sigh, and I dug through his pantry and fridge to come up with something. “I’ll figure something out.”
“Okay. While you’re doing that, I’ll unpack this box that says vibrators and sex toys.”
I whipped around. “What?”
Ian almost doubled over at my reaction. “I was joking, but the fear there makes me think maybe I wasn’t too far off the mark.”
“I do not have sex toys.” At least, I hadn’t packed them all up and brought them over…yet.
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
“Ugh.” I rolled my eyes, turning my back on his devious smile. “Incorrigible.”
“Well, I did find a box of your CDs. Who keeps CDs anymore?”
“I know. I should get rid of them.”
“Yes, you should. But first, we should listen.” He began digging through my collection and whistled. “You’ve got a hell of a collection here. Cranberries. Blink-182. Backstreet Boys. Green Day. Digital Underground. Damn, woman.”
“I like all kinds of music.”
“What should we play first?”
“How about Digital Underground?”
“Coming right up.”
Ian got the music going, and I fell into a rhythm I hadn’t had in a little over a year. I swayed my hips and sang The Humpty Dance as I cut veggies and created my one-pot concoction.
I wasn’t sure if Ian noticed me bouncing to the beat, but he never said anything as he worked on unpacking boxes. I wasn’t sure I cared either. I loved listening to music and cooking. I used to do it all the time for Jake, but when we broke up, I buried myself and lived on take-out.
I had to admit; it was nice to loosen up and laugh as I mumbled through the words.
“I’m glad you’re here, dancing queen.”