“I’m sorry, guys. I think I should take her home.”
They all agreed, and we decided to meet up again soon. After hugs and kisses—done at super speed because Audrey was still wailing—we left. I’d just started the car when the most horrendous sound from the tiniest human came from the back. The silver lining was that she stopped crying, but the drive was long and smelly.
“Your daddy is right; you are the smelliest baby in the world.”
I almost dropped Audrey’s car seat when I opened my apartment door, and Ian came around the corner from the kitchen. I’d given him a key a while ago since he pretty much stayed here every night, but it was still early in the day. I assumed he was at work.
“Where were you?”
His accusing tone had me pulling up short and slowly setting the car seat down. I took in his tense shoulders, hands on hips, and clenched jaw.
“At lunch,” I answered slowly, still unsure of his mood and what caused it.
“With who?” he barked.
His third-degree questions and irritation had my tone shifting from cautious to bitchy. “Not that it’s any of your business, but my aunts.”
It was as if my answer poked a hole in his balloon of anger. His shoulders sagged, and one hand ran across his face as he blew out a hard sigh. He looked across the space as I got Audrey from her seat, and I saw the apology before he even opened his lips.
“Listen, I’m sorry. I just got home, and you weren’t here, and I basically reacted like a teenage girl, working myself up. I realized you could be out doing anything, and I have no right to know otherwise, and it killed me. And then I started thinking about what you could be out doing and I just…kind of lost it in my own head. I overreacted. I just…” He stopped, and his face screwed up. “My god, is that her?” he asked, pointing an accusing finger at the tiny baby smiling in my arms.
“Yup. Our little angel.”
Ian made gagging noises as I passed, heading to her room to get rid of the offending diaper.
I scrambled to understand Ian’s reaction when I’d walked in. He thought I was out with someone else? A guy? Was he jealous? The thought of Ian being jealous of me with someone else sparked a light in me that I wasn’t sure I wanted to look too closely at. But it felt a lot like happiness.
When I came back out to the living room, Ian still had a guarded look, and I realized the conversation I’d been avoiding was about to happen. I swallowed down the nerves and tried to stand tall—look more confident than I felt—and waited for him to start.
“Listen, I get that we aren’t officially together, but I think it’s best that we don’t bring anyone else into this.”
My muscles pulled tight, his suggestion wrapping around my chest and squeezing. I knew it wasn’t rational—this anger that flooded my veins. Maybe it was because I felt attacked as soon as I walked through the door. Maybe it was already frazzled nerves at having this conversation at all.
But, really, I knew it was because of that spark of happiness I’d felt at his jealousy. I knew it was another way to open myself up for hurt—and that terrified me. I wanted to believe it’d only be Audrey and me but hoping for that left an opportunity for him to let me down if he didn’t follow through—if he lied.
Despite knowing how irrational I was being, it didn’t stop me from reacting.
“That’s rich coming from you,” I scoffed.
It was such a bitchy thing to say, and I regretted it, but now that I’d said it, I wondered how true it was. He wasn’t with me all the time. He could have been having quickies all over town, and I’d never know. Hell, Hanna spent all day with him, and they were close. Maybe they’d already slept together.
“What the hell, Carina?”
“Ian, how long do you usually go without someone? You’re a woman magnet and flirt with anything that has legs. You’re telling me you won’t or haven’t been with anyone?”
His nostrils flared, and his eyes blazed with a mix of frustration and hurt. “That’s not fair,” he said around a clenched jaw. “Who I was before Audrey doesn’t come into play. I’ve given all my time to both of you.”
Not able to hold his gaze anymore, I dropped my eyes to the floor, knowing I was in the wrong. The happiness from earlier no longer flickered with hope in my chest. Instead, I felt a jealousy of my own. He wasn’t doing this for me; he was doing this for Audrey.
The realization that I was jealous of my own baby had me choking back a laugh at what a mess I was. I closed my eyes and breathed as deep as my lungs would allow. I needed to reset and calm down before I opened my stupid, hormonal mouth again.
“I know.” I forced my eyes back to his, letting him see my regret. “I’m sorry. The lack of sleep and my own issues are getting to me.”
He nodded, and the tension and irritation faded, leaving us both tired after the sway of emotions.
“You never told me what happened that night,” he said surprising me with the change of topic.
That night I saw Ian for the first time.
The night he found me drowning my sorrows in alcohol.
The night I kissed him.
I huffed a laugh and shook my head. Where did I begin?
He closed the gap between us and tugged me down on the couch next to him where my knee brushed his thigh. Even that small connection eased the pinch that always accompanied thinking about Jake.
“I’d just realized my fiancé was in love with someone else that night.”
“How did you find out?”
I laughed outright at that, not wanting to tell Ian about the threesome I’d had with Jake and Jackson. That was a can of worms for another night. So, I stuck to the lighter side of the truth.
“We were working on a new project, and the manager of the company was one of his old college friends. I liked Jackson.” I ignored the sharp pain from that over-simplified statement. I’d loved Jackson too. In a different way, but I’d trusted him, and we’d grown so close. “He was a fun guy, and when Jake hesitated on closing the gap between them, I pushed for it. It was my fault Jackson was back in his life because I wanted him there. I had no idea that Jake had had feelings for him before or that they’d come roaring back. So, yeah,” I said with a shrug. “That night at the bar was when I finally saw what had been there all along.”
“What a dick.”
I laughed at his easy insult. “Yeah, I guess I just haven’t been the same since.”
Another understatement. I’d closed so much of myself off.
I thought back to the girl who frequented sex shops and sex clubs and danced in the kitchen. I remembered the girl who laughed easily and took on adventures with excitement and no doubts. Now, I took on business deals with a precise, no risk mindset and stopped having sex before Ian.
I wasn’t sure who I was or if I’d ever get the first girl back.
Fingers stroking my hair back behind my ear brought me back to the man beside me on the couch. His touch was soft, and the look in his eyes was the same as when he touched me in his office—full of desire and want.
“I think you’re pretty great.”
His words caressed my skin and brought goosebumps in their wake. I may not know who I was anymore, but every moment I was with Ian like this, the old Carina came out from behind the curtain and urged me to throw caution to the wind.