“Axel, I think I am gay. I think I always have been.” He blurts out in the stairwell while trying to fit the key in the lock.
“You mean bi? I mean, you like women too?” Axel has had two beers. Axel should not be slurring. But he doesn’t seem to be able to control his movements and almost falls flat on his face tripping over the mountain of shoes inside the door.
“I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to label myself.” Jens whispers.
“Then don’t. You don’t need to put a name on it. Just own it.” Axel tries to kiss him, right there, wearing one shoe and trying to toe the other one off. He ends up kissing Jens’ ear and holding on to him in some kind of half embrace.
“Don’t wake the kids. Please. Because then all hell will break loose.” Jens tries to kick his shoes off quietly. He does. But he is making a freaking racket and Axel giggles softly.
They make their way out into the kitchen where Jens tries to clear a space for Axel to sit down and moves the remains of dinner away from the table, randomly dumping it wherever there is space on the worktop. There is not much space. Jens’ kitchen is a disgrace. He wonders why he hasn’t noticed until now, all the dust and the rubbish, and the stuff. The stuff that is everywhere.
“I’m not very domestic. The whole flat is a dump. I spend a lot of time worrying about what would happen if Social Services turned up and found out that my kids live in squalor.”
“I’ve seen worse. Don’t worry. You love your kids. They are clothed and fed, and warm and loved. That’s all that matters. Isn’t it?” Axel says while wiping his hand, which is covered in what Jens hopes is marmalade, on his jeans.
“Coffee?” Jens asks, gesturing to the coffeemaker on the side, while trying to find out which random plastic bag on the floor is the bin today. He needs to get a grip. This was a bad idea.
Jens has two clean coffee cups. Two. It’s fate. The universe is on his side tonight, he thinks as he pours the coffee. Tries to find some chocolate or biscuits, or something in the cupboard, but there is nothing. Bloody kids. Eating everything in sight.
“Thank you.” Axel says, as Jens takes the seat next to him at the kitchen table. Stirs his coffee with a random teaspoon left on the table among books and letters, and crap, and Jens wonders how they actually live like this. In this constant mess.
“I’m not very good at keeping things tidy. I’ve let things slip Axel. It’s overwhelming to do this on your own, when there is only me. I mean the kids are amazing, but I’m the one who should have this all figured out, to keep things liveable and under control.”
“It doesn’t matter, Jens. It doesn’t matter right now. Let’s just sit here and have coffee. Hang out. I promise not to get all over-emotional and stupid again.” Axel winks and takes a sip of the coffee.
Jens stirs his with the spoon, because he needs to do something with his hands, and he can’t stop smiling and staring at Axel’s lips. He can’t. Axel is bloody mesmerising. All soft and dimply and pretty and Jens can’t imagine a time when he didn’t want to kiss him. Because he wants to kiss Axel again, right here in the mess of his kitchen where he is safe and at home, and Axel is here, and Jens just does it.
He leans in and presses his lips to Axel’s, and Axel opens and lets his tongue almost shyly lick at Jens’ bottom lip, and there is soft moan that escapes from Jens’ mouth, and it’s just embarrassingly hard not to let another little noise slip. Because kissing Axel is just that good. And having Axel kiss him back is just even better. And maybe the beer has helped, and maybe the caffeine is just kicking in, but Jens can’t help himself.
The chairs are scratching against the hard floor and they are snogging like teenagers right there at the table, bumping their legs and trying to figure out how they can get closer. Because this isn’t close enough. It’s nowhere near close enough.
Then Axel pulls at him and they are standing up, and somehow Jens is being manhandled and walked backwards across the floor until he is pressed hard up against the kitchen worktop. There are hands around his waist, tugging at his shirt until there is skin against palm, and Axel is breathing heavily into his neck, and Jens’ lips are doing things to Axel’s skin. He is sucking at him. Giving him a freaking hickey.
“Stay.” Jens begs. Even though he knows how ridiculous that notion is. He has no sofa to offer. The one in the living room is just not fit to sleep on. There is no guest bedroom. Nowhere for Axel to sleep except for in Jens’ arms, in Jens’ bed. Which is where Jens wants him. He doesn’t care that this is too fast. That this is just crazy. He doesn’t care. For once he needs this for himself. He needs to have this. Please.
Somewhere in Jens’ head his brain is telling him to slow the Hell down. And somewhere in Axel’s brain his thoughts are nowhere to be found. All he knows is that he is held tight in Jens’ embrace, and that he is not going anywhere. Not ever. Because this is where he belongs. This is where he needs to be.
‘”Okay.” Axel whispers into Jens’ chest. Letting his head rest on his shoulder. Arms holding him tight.
“I know we are moving fast, but I just need you to hold me. I want that. I want us to sleep like we used to. I don’t want to go to sleep without you. I’m tired Axel. I am so tired of being alone.”
“You are not alone Jens. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
Axel is a sap. He is so gone. Ridiculously gone. There is a stupid smile on his face as they turn off the light in the kitchen and tiptoe down to what must be the bedroom.
The bedside light is on, and the king-sized bed is full. Full of children.
Which makes Axel snap back into reality so fast, he is surprised he doesn’t get whiplash.
Not that Jens seems to notice, as he starts carrying the children back to their own beds. One by one. Struggling to lift the older boy, and instead half walking, half carrying the kid down the hall. Axel can hear him talking, soft words of comfort, before turning the light off and coming back down the hall.
He stops by the door and lets his hand stroke Axel’s cheek.
“Sorry if this is weird. It’s just that the kids always sleep with me. They are not used to their own beds anymore. We all huddle together like some crazy pack of wolves.”
Jens leans in and places another soft kiss on Axel’s lips. And Axel forgets all the reasons why he should leave. Why this is such a bad idea. Why the things all over the bedroom that obviously belong to Sofie, make him so uneasy that he wants to run a million miles away.
Then Jens is kneeling down on the bed and Axel follows. Because Axel is weak. And he can’t not kiss Jens back. He can’t help putting his hands under Jens’ shirt. He just can’t help touching. Stroking. Letting his fingertips rub the nipple that hardens under his touch.
The kissing is just that. It just numbs every sense in Axel’s body. Tears every defence he has so carefully built up right down. He can’t not kiss Jens. It’s just goes against everything Axel has ever known. He was born to kiss Jens. Born to lie here in his arms. Chest against chest. Feet tangled. Letting his nose come to a rest against Jens’. Their lips planting lazy little touches on each other’s mouths.
Jens closes his eyes. Let’s himself drift, feeling surprisingly safe. Held. Like he is nineteen all over again, lying in the safety of his best friend’s arms. Soft strokes of Axel’s hand, fingers combing through the hair on Jens’ head.