“Of course. You don’t even have to ask.” Axel is smiling. “So, you are having a bath?”
“We are having a bath. If you want to. It’s a big tub.”
“Jens, I am almost six feet tall. Will we fit?” It’s hard not to laugh. And Jens silences him with a kiss.
Undressing in front of each other in the bathroom is, well, awkward. A little embarrassing. But Jens just drops his boxers and slides into the bathtub while Axel stands there awkwardly sporting a semi in his cotton briefs.
Well, he can’t really help it. Not when there is this amazingly fit bloke naked in the bath, looking up at him and smiling at him. Winking. Tugging at his hand to get in.
They fit. It’s a squeeze, but Jens has obviously done this before and Axel has to kind of squeeze himself down between Jens’ thighs, but the water is hot and there is some kind of smelly bath oil thing going on, and Jens’ arms are around his shoulders and Axel just lies there. His cheek on Jens’ chest. His fingertip absentmindedly circling the dark skin around Jens’ nipple. And Jens is stroking his hair and Axel feels. He feels lucky. Amazingly lucky.
“Did you used to do this with your wife?” Axel kind of knows the answer. But somehow, he needs to talk about it. Exorcise the ghosts. There will always be that feeling, the feeling she is still here. That this is her home. And maybe Axel shouldn’t be here, even if he knows it isn’t true.
“We did. We used to lie in this bath and talk for hours. Especially when she was pregnant and her back was killing her. We used to lie like this and I would have my hands on her stomach and I would feel the baby move under the water. I will always remember it.”
“I love that, at work, when the babies kick me back. I poke and prod, and they kick me right back. Like telling me to back off. Get out of their way. They can be temperamental when you mess with their living space.”
“She would have liked you Axel. The two of you would have been great friends, under different circumstances of course. But don’t ever feel like Sofie wouldn’t have approved of this. Of us. She would have. She would have found this hilarious and told all her friends about me and my desperate attempts to make this place liveable, so you wouldn’t be totally disgusted with me. She would have loved it. She would have hated to see me as unhappy and sad as I have been. I mean, I made the children unhappy, and she would have had a right go at me if I hadn’t tried to make us a family again. And I am trying. I never even thought of meeting someone else after she died. It didn’t even cross my mind. Until you. Because it would always have been you.”
“You sound like me now. Desperate Axel. Pathetically obsessed with my high school crush for all eternity.” He is laughing softly. Closing his eyes as Jens’ hands stroke his hair. Tangle in the soft hair on his neck. Lips kissing the top of his head.
“I never stopped thinking about you.”
“I’m happy you didn’t, that you still loved me enough to give us a chance. That you didn’t walk away. I’m so fucking happy that you are here, Axel.” Jens’ voice is barely there, choked up with emotion.
“There is nowhere else I would rather be, to be honest, Jens. When I am like this, with you, I feel like there is nothing wrong with the world. I feel happy. Safe. Loved. I just want to stay like this forever.”
“Then stay. Stay with me. Forever. That’s all I ask. That we do this. That we try. Because I love you, Axel. I love how we laugh. How easy our friendship has slipped back. How I can text you and you reply and I feel better. I love how you interact with the kids. That you give them space. Let them come to you. I see what you are doing, and I am grateful. I think they might learn to love you as much as I do.”
“I think Lena hates my guts, but she is good about it.” Axel laughs.
“If Lena hated your guts, she would have told you. Probably to your face. She is scared, and rightly so. This is a huge change for all of us, having someone else in our life. In our home. It’s different for Marthe, she just goes with the flow. Mikki loves you. Morten, Morten is difficult. He is in that phase, I suppose where he is not a kid, not a teenager, yet not quite grown up enough. He just needs us to be there. Catch him if he falls. Pick him back up. Brush him off and let him get on with it. I suppose. I mean, you and I must have been there at some point. I just don’t remember being so angry. So grumpy all the time.” Jens’ sigh echoes in the bathroom. His fingers mindlessly moving over Axel’s skin.
“I do. I remember things. My Dad leaving my Mum.” Axel can’t believe he is talking about it. He never talks about his family. “I was older, but I was still so angry. Angry at life. Angry at my Dad for being a coward and leaving. For not trying. Angry at my Mum for not trying harder to hold on.”
“How are your parents. Do they still live in Oslo?”
“Mum passed away a few years ago. Just old age. She was seventy-two, and her heart was weak. Dad remarried and moved to Spain many years ago. We text sometimes. We are okay. He has two kids with the new wife. I couldn’t even tell you their names. How fucked up is that? They are my step-siblings, and I have never met them.”
“That’s sad Axel. Why is that?”
“We just live different lives, Dad and me. I have no interest in his golf and the wife and the life he leads. He has zero interest in mine. Sometimes that is just how it is. It’s fine, Jens. It’s no big deal.”
“My parents live up in their cabin permanently now. I take the kids up now and then. I’ll take you next time we go. They would love to meet you. I’m sure they would remember you. You stayed over a lot at ours. Before we… well, before we messed it up.”
Jens quietens. Strokes Axel’s hair. And Axel turns around so that he is lying on Jens’ chest. Facing him. Letting the water slosh around them.
“We messed up when we were young, because we didn’t talk about the stuff that was important. We kept secrets. We messed around, but we didn’t speak about it. Let’s not do that again.”
“Axel, I will always be honest with you. Always tell you what is going on in my head, or in my heart. I won’t mess us up again.”
“I know.” Axel whispers. “I know. I trust you. I won’t mess us up either.”
They lie there until the water is cool and their fingertips are wrinkled. Talking. It feels good to be talking. Laughing. Skin on skin. Jens’ hand sloshing water over Axel’s back.
“Work is going to be busy next week, Axel. I have kind of roped myself into going to Bergen to do an Opponent gig on Thursday and Friday. I need to be gone overnight, and it is stressing me out. I am thinking I need to bring Marthe with me, and somehow get someone to watch her while I sit in on the exam. Mikki should be okay with Malena, he will get really upset, but I can’t bring them both. I need to ask if Morten can stay over with his friend, and at the end of it, I’m not even sure how legal it is to leave Malena on her own with a six-year-old. On top of it I have a shitload of stuff to read, and essays to grade and a couple of new doctorate hopefuls to interview and all I want to do is lie in bed with you every afternoon. So, as you can tell, I am fucked.”
“Jens. You are not fucked.” Axel laughs softly. “You are obviously brilliant at what you do. You will be fine. And anyway, you have me. If you need help, just ask.”