She is beautiful. Even when she is covered in mud and sun cream and smiling and throwing herself at him shouting that she wants to go in the sea and swim. With Pappa Axel. Right now. Because she is all muddy and her clothes are wet.
They paddle in the water and share their last strawberries with Peder. Splash the freezing cold water at each other and laugh. They have laughed all day. And now Axel’s jeans are soaking and his t-shirt is wet but he doesn't care. It doesn't matter.
Marthe gets in the backpack wearing just her jacket over a nappy and falls asleep with her arms around his neck. She doesn’t wake up when Axel carefully untangles her for the short bus ride home along the coast towards the city. She snores in his ear while he grabs some salmon from the supermarket on the corner. She is still asleep when Axel gets back to the flat.
He gets her down and curls up on the sofa with her body warm and sun kissed in his arms.
It’s been a good day. The best day. He is just going to close his eyes for a minute. Just a little nap. A tiny one. Before he makes them all dinner.
“Axel!” Morten is kicking his legs. “Oi! Wanker!”
Axel sits up with a jerk.
“Malena says you need to cook dinner.”
“Oh yes.” Axel is scratching his head. Sand snowing down on the floor in front of him.
“Marthe!! Where is she?” Oh God. Axel is the worst. Axel is officially banned from babysitting. Axel needs to step the fuck up. He stands up and almost trips over his own feet, in a panic.
“She’s in the bath with Malena. Do not go in there, she will kill you.”
Axel steps back holding his arms up in the air, still sleep-drunk and disorientated.
“Not going anywhere near the bathroom. Promise.” While his heart is beating in his chest and he feels a little bit sick. He fell asleep. And let a two-year-old roam around in the flat on her own. Jens trusted him. Jens trusts him to look after his children. Oh hell. He is so useless.
“I don’t want butter on my pasta.” Morten already has his back to Axel walking out of the living room.
“Okay.” Axel whispers.
The salmon fillets are grilled to perfection. The pasta overcooked. Not that anyone seems to care. They all sit in silence eating. Malena with her hair twisted up in a towel, and Marthe’s face is pink. Clearly the ‘whoever took me out forgot the hat and the sun cream’ kind of pink.
“I’m sorry I fell asleep, Malena. I had Marthe in my arms. I was just going to rest for a bit. I didn’t mean to be irresponsible.”
“She was still asleep with you when I got back. I woke her up because she won’t sleep tonight if you let her nap too long. It’s chill.”
“Oh. Thank you.” Axel replies. He doesn’t know what to say now. How do you hold a conversation with a bunch of kids who don’t really want you there?
“I had a good day at school. Ida fell over and hurt her knee. There was lots of blood.” Mikki is shoving another forkful of salmon in his mouth.
“Was Ida all right? How did she hurt herself?” Axel tries to sound concerned.
“She got a plaster.” Mikki looks like he is deep in thought. “The dinosaur didn’t get a plaster. That’s unfair. The dinosaur was hurt too.”
“Didn’t bleed though did it, the dinosaur?” Morten is pushing his piece of salmon around on the plate.
“You don’t have to finish the salmon if you don’t like it.” Axel is trying. He is. Honestly.
Morten just grunts and leaves the table.
“I’m going out tomorrow night, and I will be staying with my friend so you are on your own tomorrow evening, Axel. Pappa should be back by eight.” Malena says, sounding far too cocky for Axel’s liking.
“Okay, as long as that’s cool with Pappa.” Axel has no right to parent. He knows it. And he is blushing a little.
Malena doesn’t reply. Just leaves her empty plate on the side of the sink and walks out letting the slam of her bedroom door echo through the apartment.
“Is there more fish Axel? I like salmon. It’s yummy. Ida doesn’t like meatballs. That’s strange. Meatballs are yum.”
“Meatballs!” Marthe squeals.
“Meatballs!” Mikki echoes.
Axel just wants to cry.
JENS: Aced opponent gig no 1. Now at Reim’s for dinner. Her kids are hilarious. Miss you all. Love you.
AXEL: All OK here don’t worry. Morten hated my dinner.
JENS: Morten hates everything that doesn’t come from a fast food joint. Don’t worry.
AXEL: Mikki is having seconds.
JENS: Mikki is a bottomless pit when it comes to food. I bet your dinner was delicious.
AXEL: It was OK. I guess. Wish you were here. (heart emoji)
Mikki and Marthe fall asleep in front of the TV, because Axel doesn’t quite know how he is supposed to get them to go to bed. He was going to read them a story and be all adult and responsible, but they were enjoying whatever they were watching and Axel got a chance to catch up with his emails.
He doesn’t dare to open the Ask Axel account. He knows it will be a minefield full of questions. He has 1024 notifications on the little app icon, which is slightly overwhelming, and his performance anxiety is at an all-time high. There is pressure as well, knowing that all these people expect him to tell them stuff and make everything okay.
He has offended a whole bunch of people too; they are telling him that every week. Not everyone is kind. There are quite a few people who think it is okay to be rude. Insensitive. Downright abusive, while hiding behind an anonymous user name on a parenting advice website. Axel just doesn’t get it. Well, he does. He deals with some of these idiots every day. People with zero social skills, and illusions of grandeur. People who think that being rude makes you worthy of respect.
Luca has been great. He sat down and helped Axel delete a load of crap messages last week, and pick out some good questions. Luca is amazing. Axel is always in his debt, every fucking day. Just that look he gives him when Axel is about to lose his chill with someone. The little smirk he does when Axel is about to fall apart. Luca always knows. He always makes Axel feel that things are okay. It’s not just Axel who is feeling all these things. He wishes Luca could tell him what to do. How to make this work. Because right now, Axel feels a little lost. A little helpless as he carries Marthe and Mikki into Jens’ bed and tucks the sleeping children under the covers.
He knocks on Morten's door, but there is no reply. He leaves him. He is old enough to sort himself out, Axel thinks. Axel hopes.
He showers and laughs at the sand pooling by his feet in the bathtub. Puts on one of Jens’ t-shirts and a pair of flannel pyjama trousers he finds in the wardrobe. Crawls under the sheets and turns out the lights.
AXEL: Thank you for your help today. I feel like I was no help at all. Will try harder tomorrow.
MALENA: It’s cool.
AXEL: Before I go and buy a stroller tomorrow, can I just check that you don’t own one? I don’t think my back can take another day of that back-pack thing for Marthe.
MALENA: There is one in the basement. A red one. I will bring it up for you tomorrow.
AXEL: Brilliant. Thank you. You are the best.
MALENA: Piss off Axel.