She touches her stomach. “The ice cream. I think it’s bad.”
“The ice cream is fine,” I say. “You’re drunk. And you’re getting sick, aren’t you?”
“Will you come with me?” Violet asks. “I’m afraid to throw up alone.”
“Sure,” I say.
I stand up.
The room sways back and forth.
Violet grabs my hand. “Oh, hurry up, Jolie. I have about ten seconds until things get bad…”
I steady my feet and my focus and I get Violet to the bathroom.
She groans before moving to her knees before the toilet.
I gently touch her hair and pull it back and hold it out of the way as she groans again and then throws up.
I turn my head and shut my eyes.
The sound and the smell alone are enough that my stomach starts teasing me it’s going to do the same.
When the first round is over, Violet groans again.
“I hate myself.”
“Of course you do,” I say. “But you’re okay, Violet.”
“I don’t feel okay,” she says. “I’m ruining your night.”
I laugh. “No, you’re doing what you came to do. You’re distracting me.”
“Here’s what I think… oh, fuck, wait…”
I roll my eyes and Violet throws up again.
I reach for the sink and grab a stray hair tie.
I twist Violet’s hair up into a messy bun and wrap the tie around her thick hair twice.
“There,” I say. “Now you can puke in peace.”
“Don’t leave me,” she says.
“I’m not leaving you, Violet.”
She inches back from the toilet and shuts the lid and flushes.
She looks at me.
It’s amazing how fast someone can go from happy and drunk to looking pale-white and ready to die.
“I’m going to get you some water,” I say.
I hurry to the kitchen and come back with a bottle of water.
Violet sips it.
“What were you saying?” I ask her.
“Oh. Yeah. What I think. What I think… is… you and Mac… I don’t know. You love him. So as much as I want to say just take the memories and run, I don’t think you can. But, Jolie, they’re so bad. Like really bad… bad guys…”
“Violet,” I say.
“What?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Okay,” she says. “I’m tired.”
I help Violet to her feet and I walk her to my bedroom.
I get her into the bed and then do the cliché thing of getting her a trashcan and a washcloth, plus her bottle of water.
In a way I always feel like a caretaker.
When I just want someone to take care of me.
Like Mac did?
I get into my bed next to Violet.
I make sure she’s on her side and put a pillow behind her to keep her there.
I try to tuck myself into the corner of my bed where it meets the wall. Just like my favorite spot in Mac’s bed.
It’s okay… but it’s not the same at all.
I miss him.
I’m confused by it all.
I know things will never change.
He is who he is.
And if I keep making the choices I’m making…
I shut may eyes.
I don’t want to cry tonight.
When I wake up, it feels way too early.
Violet is snoring her heart out.
I lean over and look at her.
She looks good.
Normal, I mean.
Which makes sense. She threw up and will feel great today.
As for me, I feel like I have something living in the front of my head.
I look for my phone and when I see what time it is, I realize half the day is already gone.
So, no, I’m not up early. Not at all.
I used to wake up early all the time. Like super early. I used to wake up and study. I used to cook breakfast. I used to go through my notes before I’d go to class to learn more and then I’d study again.
There’s a lot I used to do.
I climb out of my bed and work my way to the bathroom.
I look and feel like hell.
Which is my new normal.
I don’t even care.
I do attempt to clean myself up a little after I pee.
Then it’s time for coffee.
My new normal also includes just staring at the coffeemaker. Watching the water flow into the coffeepot. My nose twitching to smell that beautiful smell.
When the coffee is done, I pour a cup, take a sip, and there’s a knock at the door.
My heart does the same thing as always when I hear a knock at the door.
I’m packing as I walk with my coffee cup toward the door.
If this is someone I don’t want to see, they’re getting hot coffee to the face.
“Who is it?” I ask.
“Just open the door, darling.”
“Taz?” I ask. “What do you want?”
“I’m not here to hurt you. Just open the door.”
I bite my lip and decide to open the door.
Taz shows me his hands and then turns around all the way.
“I’m not here for anything crazy,” he says.
“What do you want?” I ask.
“Can I come in for a second?”
“Sure.”
Taz enters my apartment. “Did I wake you?”
“No.”
“I wanted to come by… well, I was told to come by…”
Taz’s eyes move from me.
I glance over my shoulder and I see Violet walking from my bedroom.
“Holy fuck,” Taz says.
Violet looks at Taz and gasps. She touches her hair. Her face.
“Taz…”
“Look at you,” he says. “You look like regret.”
“I just woke up,” she says. “I’m embarrassed. My hair is a mess…”
“He’s not looking at your hair, Violet,” I say.
Violet seems to have forgotten that she took her bra off last night. And her shirt was now hugging her chest. And… well… it must have been a little chilly in the apartment for her…
When she realizes that she’s poking against her shirt, she covers her chest.
“Don’t worry,” Taz says. “I don’t mind.”
“What do you want, Taz?”
“I was coming to talk to you about Mac. But now I don’t care. Go do your thing, Jolie. I’m staying with Violet.”
I put my hand out. “You’re not staying here.”
Taz looks at me. “Neither are you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mac sent me to get you… you have to say goodbye to Mama Dae.”
19
MAC
I stand at Mama’s door and know nothing will ever be the same. Not that anything had been the same lately anyway. I put my hand to the doorknob and I take a deep breath.
I think about earlier in the morning…
I sit on the railing and smoke a cigarette.
Night turns to day and I’m there to experience it all.
The first to show up to the beach are Van and Clay.
They see me and they both drop their boards and rush my way.