I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close to my body. He huddled against me, and we walked at a slightly slower pace to accommodate our joined state. We stayed like that, pressed side to side until we reached the dorm.
I followed him inside, and he gave me a nervous side-eye.
“Date’s not complete until I walk you to your door.”
“You’re the expert,” he said.
“Damn right.”
He clomped up the stairs to the second floor and stopped outside his room. “So, that was fun…”
There was a pause, like he wasn’t sure how to say goodnight. Neither was I.
But maybe the night didn’t have to end yet.
“Can I see your artwork now?”
He looked a little nervous. “Right, the sketchpad. Let me just run in and grab it.”
Benji started to reach for the door, but I grasped his shoulder. The words burst from me before I could rethink them. “Wait, let’s officially end the date first.”
Benji looked up at me uncertainly. Was his heart racing the way mine was? Did he secretly long for a kiss?
“Um, okay,” he said awkwardly. “Thanks for a nice evening.”
“My pleasure,” I murmured.
He licked his lips nervously, and my eyes locked on his mouth. I was going to do this, wasn’t I? I couldn’t resist. All the oxygen seemed to have been sucked out of the air between us. I felt myself tipping forward, watching him sway toward me.
Our lips touched, featherlight.
I felt it down to my toes.
Then Benji jolted backward, hitting the door with a thud.
“Shit, are you okay?”
He stared at me out of wide, shocked eyes. I’d fucked up, hadn’t I?
“No. I mean, yes. I’m just—”
He didn’t get the chance to finish. The door opened suddenly and Benji fell backward.
I lurched forward, but there was no saving this disaster. He hit the floor, his head bouncing on his roommate’s sneaker.
“Dude, you okay?” Dre sounded like he was trying not to laugh.
“Wonderful,” Benji said in an aggrieved tone.
I reached down, grasping Benji’s arm and pulling him to his feet. I used a little too much force and he ended up in my arms, face against my chest. I’d have to remember that trick for a better occasion.
Benji hastily disentangled himself from me. “Uh, so, anyway. Let’s pretend that didn’t happen.”
Dre snorted. “Okay, I’m going back to my movie.”
He climbed into his bed with his laptop, and I suddenly felt very awkward. I’d gone too far, crossed too many lines. It could have been the perfect evening if I knew when to make a fucking exit. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed him. It had felt mutual, like we’d both moved at the same time, but I’d obviously read him wrong.
Benji was freaked. Me, on the other hand? I wasn’t freaked over my first kiss with a guy at all. It felt like … coming home.
The expression on Benji’s face? That did freak me.
Stupid, Ace. Assuming he’d be into you without even asking…
My butterflies died of shame.
Benji
Oh, God. I’d kissed Ace. What must he think? One minute everything had been going great, and the next I’d been swaying forward, like a freaking magnet. Because he was magnetic, the jerk. Except he wasn’t a jerk. He was the opposite of a jerk. He was gorgeous and sweet, and he held my hand and shared things with me. What did he expect to happen?!
I’m only human. Only a gay boy vulnerable to romantic attack.
The falling on my ass had been a diversion, thank goodness, but now he was looking at me with … I don’t even know what. Some sort of complex, confused expression. Maybe he was trying to erase the memory of my lips against his. Or trying to understand why I’d done it.
Fuck, he’d know. He’d know how I felt, and it’d ruin everything, and—
“Secret admirer!” I blurted.
Ace’s eyes widened. “What?”
“I know who it is.”
Maybe I could still salvage this friendship. I knew who the secret admirer was, and I could go on a date with him, and Ace would be reassured that I wouldn’t be throwing myself at him anymore.
“You do?”
He sounded wary, but I couldn’t blame him there. He probably expected me to announce it was him like the crazy, infatuated guy who’d just kissed him. Or tried. I wasn’t really sure if we’d kissed. It all happened so fast. There was a fleeting impression of warmth against my lips before my brain caught up to what I was doing and tried to take back my ill-timed swoon.
But fuck if I wasn’t going to secretly count it as my first kiss.
Ace watched me, looking as if he were braced for bad news. Right. Secret admirer. Time to reassure him.
“It’s Jonas,” I said. “Can you believe it?”
“Jonas,” he repeated slowly.
“Yeah. I figured it out because, well—” I picked up the new sketchpad and held it out. Ace took it, flipping it open. He glanced up at me.
“A new sketchpad,” he said.
“Right! He was just looking through my sketches the other day, and now this? It’s obviously him!”
“Everyone knows you’re an artist. It doesn’t mean it’s him.”
“He was pretty flirty too,” I added.
I was sure I had this right. Jonas was into me. And everyone knew I was an artist, but not everyone would know my sketchpad was nearly full.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” Ace muttered. “That’s Jonas’s natural state.”
Well, that wasn’t the reaction I’d expected. Maybe I should have. After all, Ace was first and foremost my guard dog assigned by Jeremy.
I sighed. “Can you please be happy for me? This has been driving me crazy for weeks!”
Ace put down the empty sketchpad, reaching for the other one. I hurriedly put a hand on top of it, trying to appear nonchalant as I leaned in closer. “Focus, Ace.”
His eyes met mine. Magnetic. Again.
Fight the pull, Benji.
I kept arguing my case, anything to distract me from the desire to climb Ace like a tree. Damn. There was a crush, and then there was the desire to crush Ace beneath my body. My hormones were out of control.
“It’s too big of a coincidence. This quote about seeing my art came with it. I mean, he’s practically begging me to figure out it’s him.”
“That’s awesome,” Dre piped up, reminding me he was in the room. “Tell him we want more candy.”
I rolled my eyes. “He’s a secret admirer, not a Pez dispenser.”
“Benji, I don’t want to rain on your parade…” Ace started.
“So don’t.”
He chewed his lip, drawing my eyes. Fuck. He had perfect lips, firm and sculpted, but just plump enough to lick and nibble. You know, if you were going to do that sort of thing. Which I wasn’t.
“Okay, man. I should get going.”
My heart lurched with regret. What was I doing, being rude to nicest guy in the world? I was still amped up on adrenaline and embarrassment, but I owed Ace. Not just for the tutoring in algebra and dating, but for all the times he’d been there with a smile or a text or an offer of ice cream when I most needed it. Without him, I truly would have been alone this year.