“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be an asshole. If you have something to say…”
Ace shook his head. “Just be careful,” he said after a pause. “Jonas gets around.”
I frowned. “Well, he’s gone to a lot of trouble with these gifts and notes. That’s not the work of a player.”
“No, it’s not.”
I could read between the lines. Ace didn’t think it was Jonas. But I needed to be right about this. I couldn’t continue to obsess about Ace, drawing pictures, fantasizing, trying to kiss him. It was either make a move with Jonas or start avoiding Ace.
I laughed at myself, shaking my head. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. TMI, right? I’m sorry.”
“I’m glad you did,” Ace said. “We’re friends.”
Friends. Just a few days ago, I’d been happy to believe myself his friend. But now, after that pretend date that felt all kinds of real? It felt more like an awful, soul-destroying label for rejection.
“Right.” I forced the words past the lump rising in my throat. I knew Ace wasn’t for me, I knew, and yet a tiny part of me had still hoped. “And with Jeremy gone, you’re like my surrogate big brother.”
We smiled at one another awkwardly, and I knew: There was no saving this friendship. Because it had never been one. Just a lonely gay boy crushing on his brother’s best friend.
I was officially pathetic.
Ace
My phone buzzed, and my heart lurched. Benji had been dodging me since the stupid, stupid move I’d made. All this time, I thought getting discovered as the secret admirer would ruin everything. But no, I’d managed that all on my own.
Today was Tuesday, though, the day of the week we usually met up to study at the library. So, surely he wouldn’t…
Yep. He totally blew me off. I ground my teeth as I read the text, furious with myself. If Benji’s grade suffered because I was an idiot…
Sorry, can’t make it this week.
I stared at the words. Why did breathing suddenly feel like such a chore? I sucked in oxygen, struggling to fill my heavy lungs as I responded.
We can reschedule. Studying is important.
Studying is important. Wow. I sounded like his dad, instead of his… What the fuck was I again? I didn’t even know anymore. Secret admirer was the best label I had. I wasn’t his friend, not really. Not until I could box up and lock down these fucking feelings I had. Feelings that had me wanting to track him down, confess everything, and pin him to a wall.
I couldn’t do that. Benji’s reaction to the last kiss attempt was less than favorable. I’d never had someone leap out of my arms so fast. I’d never made a move on someone who wasn’t receptive. It was an uncomfortable feeling. Guilt and shame and unfulfilled desire swirled inside me.
I wanted him, but I didn’t want to want him because he didn’t want me.
Benji texted a reply: Next week, okay? I’ll be fine.
Next week. Ugh. A week spent feeling like this, unsettled and unsure if we could recapture our easy rapport, felt like torture. But it was better than never.
Unless he blows you off again next week, and the next, and the next, my mind whispered.
“Fuck,” I muttered, slamming my phone on the counter.
A loud crunching caught my attention and I looked up. Cooper eyed me over a bag of potato chips. “Bad day?”
“Bad week.”
He nodded, tipping the bag toward me. “Chip?”
I sighed. “Why the fuck not?” Reaching in, I grabbed a handful of greasy Lays potato chips and then turned to the fridge to grab a beer. I reached for my wallet, but Cooper stepped forward, dropping a couple of bucks into our expense jar.
“I got it, man. You look like you could use a drink.”
The frat house dues only paid for so much, and with a bunch of college guys, food and beer could disappear overnight, so we all chipped in whenever we ate or drank. It was the only way to manage the expenses and keep the house stocked. We also kept a schedule of household chores. Not all the brothers lived in the house; it wasn’t big enough. But they all contributed to cleaning and maintaining the property.
“You seen Jonas?” I asked.
If Benji was so sure he was the secret admirer, it was only a matter of time before something happened. I had to either come clean with Benji or make damn sure that Jonas had good intentions. I didn’t know if I could stomach standing by, watching someone else date Benji, but I sure as hell couldn’t stand by and let Benji be used. That just wasn’t happening.
I’d confess everything, consequences be damned, if that’s what it took. But first, I needed to talk to Jonas, feel out the situation, and come up with a plan.
“He went out,” Cooper said with a shrug.
“Out?” I said sharply. “Like a date?”
I glanced back at my phone. Could it be that Benji wasn’t ghosting me but had better plans with a certain gay frat boy? I hoped I wasn’t too late.
“Nah,” Cooper said. “He was meeting up with that Frisbee golf league. Wanted me to go along.”
My heart rate slowed, and I breathed out. “Oh, right, yeah. Forgot he was into that.”
“Something up with you guys?”
“Hmm? No. Nope.” I didn’t sound suspicious at all. Luckily Cooper just wasn’t that curious of a guy. He wandered to the sofa, bag of chips in hand, and I followed because wallowing with junk food suited my mood. Tipping back my beer, I took a long swallow of bitter brew and tried to get my brain to stop its chaotic swirling.
Get it together, Ace. This isn’t like you.
I’d never felt so twisted up, turned inside-out by a person before. Benji was just a guy. Just … a pretty, green-eyed, sweet, innocent guy.
All the more reason to stay away.
But how to convince Jonas to do the same?
Benji
“Wait, how did you get that answer?”
“Um, let’s see…” Tracy turned her notebook toward me. “I multiplied these two numbers, then I did this operation first because of the parentheses, and … oh, wait, did I do that operation first? I did. Yeah. Didn’t I?”
“This is like the blind leading the blind.”
Tracy huffed. “I got a B on my last algebra quiz. What did you get?”
“C-minus,” I grumbled.
We were in different classes, with different books, but we were working on similar lessons. I thought. Math all looked Greek to me, and Tracy was not the Greek god that Ace was. Gorgeous and great at math … how was it even possible? He was defying the natural order of the universe.
I should be meeting him at the library right now, getting clarity, at least on how to perform algebraic operations. Instead I was with Tracy, getting confused enough I was starting to lose confidence in what I thought I knew.
“So just the partially blind leading the blind, then.”
Tracy laugh and smacked my arm. “You’re the one who wanted to work together.”
“Yeah, I know, sorry.” I shook my head. “I hate math sooooo much.”
She snickered. “Never would have guessed.”
I sighed, glancing down at my phone. Guilt knotted up my stomach. It was dumb to avoid Ace. He’d been my lifeline since I arrived on campus, but I just couldn’t face him.