Not until I found a way to get over my crush.
I should just text Jonas, find a way to ask him out.
“Can I ask you a question not related to math?”
Tracy looked up from her notebook, covered in equations in pink and turquoise pen. It was like math meeting up with the movie Clueless. Her professor must love her work. At least it was a break from the pencil chicken scratching and vicious eraser marks most of us turned in. Tracy had to write out her problems on a separate piece of paper, get them perfect, then rewrite them onto her assignment for class. It seemed like a lot of extra work just for appearance’s sake, but I had to admit her paper looked more presentable than mine.
“What’s up?”
“You ever ask out a guy?”
She pushed her book away, leaning in a little over her crossed legs. We’d spread our books out on the bed since my desk was only big enough for one and I obviously couldn’t go to the library.
“This should be good. Do you have a guy you want to ask out?” She grinned. “It’s not your secret admirer, is it?”
“Maybe…”
“You figured out who it was? How?” She bounced a little. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I just figured it out recently, and um…” I didn’t want to get into my embarrassing downward spiral after Ace had left Friday night. The moment the door had closed behind him, I’d thrown myself onto my bed and tried to smother myself with my pillow.
Dre, being the sympathetic roommate that he was, had laughed. “Dude, what was that train wreck? Are you high on something?”
“No,” I’d mumbled into my pillow. “I’m low. So fucking low.”
Since then, I’d done my best to avoid encounters with Ace. He often dropped by my room for lunch, so I made sure to be elsewhere. I answered his texts just enough to pretend everything was fine. But I couldn’t keep doing that indefinitely.
Which was why I needed to ask out Jonas. Once I was dating someone else, my feelings for Ace would simmer down to a manageable level. Then, maybe, I could find a way to be the friend he thought I was.
“So?” Tracy prompted. “Who is it?”
“Jonas.”
She nodded, looking thoughtful. “He’s one of the frat boys, right?”
“Yeah. I tried what you said, did some flirting.”
“Yeah, and he told you?”
“Not exactly.” I filled her in on showing him my sketches, then the sketchpad appearing with the note about art. “So, it seems pretty obvious. He flirted back. He asked for my number. And then I got the gift, so…”
“What now?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. How do I…? I can’t just walk up and say, ‘Hey, I have a secret admirer and I think it’s you.’ But I’ve never asked anyone out.”
“Oh, so you’ve always been the pursued, huh?” she teased with a grin. “Lucky boy.”
I snorted. “Not really. Unless you count Kaleb, who stood me up, or Ace, but—” I stopped abruptly.
“Ace?”
“That wasn’t a real date,” I said hurriedly.
“So, you had a not-real date with Ace,” she mused. “Interesting.”
I sighed theatrically. “Do you have any advice or are you just gonna push my buttons all night?”
She smiled. “You’re so easy to tease, but I suppose I do have one piece of advice.”
“I’m listening.”
“When I want to ask a guy out…”
“Yeah?” I leaned forward as she drew out the pause.
“I find it helpful to ask.”
“Ask.”
“Yep.” She grinned as if she wasn’t the most annoying person on the planet. “Just man up and ask, Benji. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Uh, he’ll say no, and I’ll feel like an idiot?”
“Exactly! You’re not in love with Jonas, are you?”
I sputtered. “No, of course not!”
“Your life won’t fall apart without him?”
I scoffed. “I barely know him.”
“Well, there you have it. If he says no, you’ll move on without much difficulty.”
My stomach squirmed with nerves. “I guess that’s true.”
“And he might say yes,” Tracy added. “Since he flirted, asked for your number, and might very well be your secret admirer, I’d say the odds are good.”
I wasn’t sure what prospect made me more nervous: that Jonas would say no, or that he’d say yes. But I needed to make a move, if only to dull the ache I had for Ace.
“So, are you going to do it?” Tracy asked.
Taking a deep breath, I picked up my phone. “Yeah. Yeah, what have I got to lose?”
She smiled. “That’s the spirit.”
I shot off a quick text before I could overthink it.
Want to hang out this weekend?
With any luck, Jonas would sweep me off my feet, and Ace and I could pretend like that travesty of a kiss never happened.
Ace
On my work break Thursday night, I painstakingly browsed a selection of threads at the craft store down the block. I’d decided to make Benji a friendship bracelet — if my big, clumsy hands would cooperate.
And if I could get up the nerve to come clean with him.
Once he found this bracelet, after so recently commenting on the one I still wore, he’d finally realize I was the real secret admirer. The thought alone was enough to raise my blood pressure. What if he hated the idea of me thinking of him that way? What if I just made everything worse?
After Benji blew off our tutoring session, I’d cornered Jonas in the hopes of figuring out how much I needed to worry. It hadn’t exactly gone to plan.
When I asked if they’d been in contact, he’d seemed puzzled that I cared. Then, when I continued to press for details, he’d only clammed up further.
“We’ve texted, so?”
“Just texting?” I’d asked. “Like as friends, or something else?”
“Why are you so interested? You’re not his keeper.”
When I started to protest, he’d added, “Or his boyfriend.”
My jaw had snapped shut. I had no comeback to that one, and he knew it. The way he looked at me, it was almost as if he suspected … but there was no reason anyone in the house would think I was into Benji. They’d all seen me hook up with girls in the past.
It was much more likely that they’d think I was looking out for Benji, like a good friend or a brotherly figure. And hell, Benji saw me that way anyway, didn’t he?
Benji’s words returned to needle at me.
With Jeremy gone, you’re like my surrogate big brother.
I hated that he saw me that way, but if I was going to be stuck with the label…
“He’s Jeremy’s little brother,” I reminded Jonas. “He might not be around, but I am.”
Jonas had looked at me, his gaze speculative before brightening to a teasing gleam.
“Right, well, don’t worry.” He’d clapped me on the shoulder and grinned. “Benji’s a big boy, and I always make sure my dates leave happy.”