Was I supposed to tell him that I had fallen back in love with him like a moron? No. That wasn’t what he wanted. And that was fine. Great.
“You didn’t do anything,” I told him, exhaling, telling myself I might as well do this now before I lost my confidence. “I didn’t mean to give you that impression, Zac.”
He took a step closer, his jaw tight, looking intent and worried and focused. He knew I was full of it. “I can’t fix it if I don’t know what happened.”
“Nothing. You didn’t do anything. All you’ve done is be a good friend, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”
He was the one wrinkling his nose then. Those eyebrows knitting together even more.
So I barreled on. “Please don’t think I’m not grateful for everything.”
“What are you doin’?” he asked, standing up straight.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I think since you’re not going to be here for Thanksgiving, I’m going to leave early to head to see my sister and the kids. I’m going to take a look around at some apartments in Killeen, some in Austin—”
His “What?” sounded breathless, and there were so many lines crossing his forehead, it would have taken me too long to count them.
“I don’t want to impose on you and Trev anymore, and it makes sense. I might as well take advantage of going up there.” It didn’t make sense. At least not total sense. I didn’t love Killeen. I really didn’t. And Boogie was about to get married and have his first baby, and I wanted to be there for him, but how much could I really intrude on his brand-new family? I guess if I was going to be anywhere, it might as well be closer to my sister. “I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I’m going to stay with Connie.”
“Stay with me. If you don’t wanna be alone for Thanksgiving, fly up to New York. I’ll get your ticket. We can get room service.”
That felt like a punch straight to the heart that I hadn’t even been a little prepared for. “No, you’ve done more than enough, Zac. CJ told me how the team does its thing for Thanksgiving when you play away games.”
“Stay with me after that. That’s what I meant too.”
Oh man. “I can’t stay here forever. You know that. I was only supposed to stay a little while.”
Those soft blue eyes, all baby blue and more pastel than vibrant, were totally and completely levelled on me. His shoulders were down, his mouth was tight… and it was breaking my heart telling him all of this.
But I knew I had to. I didn’t have a choice.
“What are you doin’? You said yourself you didn’t even like Killeen that much not too long ago. I’m not kickin’ you out. Neither is Trev. If you don’t wanna live here a little longer… I can have Trev find us an apartment.”
Us?
And then what? He’d go on his off-season vacation and party it up, and I’d sit around and work and see his pictures online? See him bring girls back? Wait around for him to come back? He wanted us to be… roommates?
A little part of me died inside at just imagining it. I couldn’t see it in person. No way. I knew I had already gotten lucky that I hadn’t witnessed it happen, but I’d blamed it on him being tired and stressed after every practice and not wanting to go out again. Again.
There was only so much my spirit could handle. “No. You don’t need to do any of that. I’ve got it. I’m not your responsibility.”
He took a step forward and lifted his arm to palm the back of his neck. “You kinda are,” he told me softly.
Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to be such a good friend? “No, I’m not, but I love you for thinking that.” I tried to give him a smile. “You’ve done enough. I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
“Advantage?” He was standing so still. “Of me?”
I nodded, not trusting my words.
“Bianca,” he said, frowning and brooding in the blink of an eye. “What the hell are you talkin’ about? I thought you liked bein’ around me. Little Texas and Big Texas reunited.”
That was the problem. “I do, Zac. I love being around you. I love you. So much. Forever. But I can’t stay here for the rest of my life. I can’t… live with you. You have a life. You have things you like to do that you probably can’t do with me around.”
His head jerked back. “Like what?”
“I don’t know.” That sounded weak even to my ears. “Going out. I don’t know, stuff that doesn’t include... me. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I don’t want to step on your toes. I don’t want to take advantage of your great, big heart.”
“Bianca, what do you do to inconvenience me?” he demanded, dropping his hand so that it dangled at his side. “When have I ever given you the impression I don’t want you around? I invite you to go do everything with me.”
The reminder of the picture gave me a papercut right along the seams of my fingers, shallow but painful. And it took everything in me to keep my voice almost level, to keep from probably crying, honestly. “Never. You never have, and I love and appreciate it so much. You’re one of my favorite people in the whole world, but you don’t owe me anything. You never have. You don’t have to feel guilty about how we lost touch or feel like you owe me shit because of that dumb snake thing when we were kids and try to make it up to me now by being so great.”
Those blue eyes bore into mine, and I’d swear he almost went pale. “You think that’s what I’m tryin’ to do?”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not.”
Oh man, I wanted to scrub my face off. “Zac, I’ll come back, okay? We aren’t going to lose touch. We aren’t going to go our separate ways and not see each other again for ten more years. I cross my heart, old man. I’m just going up there for Thanksgiving, and I’m going to stay a while after that to look at places and stuff.”
He wasn’t listening, or if he was, he wasn’t paying attention because he said, “Why are you tryin’ to leave so fast?”
“I’m not.”
“Tell me what I did then. Tell me why you wanna go. You said you’d stay, and you never go back on your word, so I wanna know why you’re tryin’ to do it now.”
Go back on my word?
“Tell me on Mama Lupe’s soul,” he demanded.
That time, I couldn’t hold my hands back from rubbing my face. I wanted to cry. “Because there’s no point in me staying here. There’s no difference between me leaving now or in a few weeks.”
“Why do you have to leave in a few weeks? Why can’t you stay here?”
“I already told you why I moved to Houston in the first place. There’s no reason for me to still be here.”
His throat bobbed again. “I want you here, kiddo. Is that a good enough reason? I like havin’ you here. You think your sister or Boog like havin’ you around more than me? ’Cause they don’t. I’m sure they don’t.”
I held my breath as my nose burned. There was no getting out of this. I knew there wasn’t. I had done this. It was my fault. “Oh, Zac, please don’t make me do this. I told you I’ll come back. We’ll always be friends. I’ll see you as much as I can, as much as you have time for, even if we live in different places.”