This was not a goodnight kiss like she would give me. It was… it was open-mouthed and filed with tongue.
It was fuckin’ hot.
And then… then Adam kissed her back.
He put both hands on her cheeks and kissed her like she was the love of his life. He kissed her like he was about to rip her clothes off and fuck her up against the front door.
He kissed her like Donovan and I weren’t even there.
And that’s the day I knew… Indie wasn’t the only one with secrets.
We all had them, didn’t we?
Indie Anna Accorsi had played a starring role in our fantasies since she was ten years old, but up until now they’d all been dress rehearsals.
That day of her twentieth birthday?
That was opening night.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO - INDIE
If I had to choose between them, I would die. There is just no way I could only choose one.
I need them all.
I don’t even care if that’s selfish. I want them all.
And if I thought I could have Nathan St. James, then I would. I would have him too. I would keep all four of them because they are each different, and unique, and give me something I can’t get from anyone else.
Every single way they fill me up has been written in this journal. So if it’s not clear by now, there is nothing left to be said. There are simply no words to describe my need.
But I am afraid that you will see this and you won’t understand. And I don’t care if you are Nathan, or McKay, or Adam, or Donovan. I need you to understand.
How many other ways are there to describe Nathan St. James? He is my boy next door. He is my best friend. He is the firefly-catcher, and the treehouse-builder, and the swamp-charmer.
Oh, I know what Adam would say. “He was running around on you back in high school.” Yes, Adam. He told me all about what he did. He told me that you caught him. He told me what you said to him. And I get it. If Nathan loved me best, he would be more careful with my heart. He’d be like McKay.
McKay is so very, very careful with me. McKay is my soul. He is my trainer. He is the dinner-maker, and the hair-washer, and the nightmare-chaser.
But McKay will never admit he has always loved me. That I am his first, and only, one true love.
So I have Donovan. Donovan is careful too. He is my mind-reader. My note-taker. He is the light in the dark, he is the filler of holes, he is the voice in my head that keeps me calm during my stormy nights of insanity.
But he’s part-time. We all know it. He will never take me with him to LA and I wouldn’t want to go. This is my home. Right here. This is where I belong.
And that’s where Adam comes in. Adam. My owner. My knight. My protector. He is my partner in crime. The fixer of mistakes, the leader of us all, the untouchable one.
He is like a mean old dog who will bite anyone who gets too close.
Everyone but me.
He lets me get close.
But will he share?
Will any of them share?
Only if I make them.
So this is how I made them…
I kissed Adam in the hallway. Nathan St. James wasn’t even down the driveway yet with our daughter when I rose up on my tiptoes and put my mouth right on Adam’s. When he placed his hands on my face and leaned into it.
McKay was just two feet away. Shifting his feet, and his gaze, and wondering if he should make me stop. But what would that mean?
He didn’t know. Or he did, and couldn’t admit it.
I was looking right at Donovan when I kissed Adam. He would be the easiest to turn because he was the least invested in what happened tomorrow.
But would he come back for more?
I didn’t know.
I didn’t have any idea why they were still here with me.
When I pulled away from Adam his eyes were closed. And they didn’t open right away. It was like he was still there. Still lingering in the moment when our lips touched.
When his eyes finally did open, I could see myself in them. A distorted shadow of a girl. Something black and not altogether whole. She scared me. She still scares me. Every time I see myself in a window, or a mirror, or a drinking glass, I am afraid of the monster looking back.
But his gaze held me captive. Forced me to see the girl I’ve been trying to outrun my whole life.
I went still. And then I made another executive decision. Just like that time Johnny Boston captured me and held me prisoner on that yacht.
I let that girl in.
Or maybe I should say… I let her out.
It was time.
McKay broke the silence when he said, “What the fuck was that?”
Adam brought the back of his hand up to his mouth and made a fist. He held it there against his lips like he was coming to terms with something. And he would not look away from me. So I kept looking at that shadow girl reflected in his eyes. I could not unsee her now.
Donovan let out a long sigh. I figured this was the moment when Donovan walked out for good. Cut his losses and said goodbye. Or maybe just left without saying anything. Because he is smart. And he knows about the lovely darkness hiding inside me. He sees my gorgeous misery.
But he didn’t move. Just stayed right where he was.
Adam looked away first and broke the spell the shadow girl had over me. At least for a moment.
“Adam?” McKay was still asking his question.
But Adam just looked at me, then at McKay, and said, “I don’t know.”
Then someone said, “You know,” and I realized it was me saying that. Or some part of me, at least. And she kept talking. “You all know. We all know what’s going on here. Why do we have to keep pretending? Why can’t we just… accept it? And be who we are?”
“What are you… talking about?” Donovan was confused. I understood that. He was not a cold man. Not really. He was fun, and he smiled, and he helped me through lots of things. But he was like me in a lot of ways.
Detached and far away.
Then McKay walked across the foyer, opened up the door, and walked out.
I panicked. Because McKay was not the one who was supposed to walk out.
Donovan was. I could deal with Donovan. I could lure him back with the promise of secrets.
But I never had control of McKay like that.
I looked at Adam and said, “Stop him. You have to stop him.”
Adam looked at the door, which McKay didn’t even bother to slam behind him, and then back at me. “What am I supposed to tell him, Indie? What exactly do you see happening here?”
I looked at Donovan for help. But he was shaking his head at me.
So I looked back to Adam and said, “I don’t care what you tell him, Adam. Just make him stay. Don’t let him walk away. This will not work without him.”
Donovan walked across the foyer and grabbed me by the arm. He jerked it, angrily. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
But I was still looking at Adam.
Still seeing that dark shadow of a girl in his eyes.
And I said the only thing left to say. “It’s the only way to save me from myself.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE - DONOVAN
PRESENT DAY
It’s an awkward dinner of spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread, and wine. We’ve had this same meal, minus the wine, in Indie’s case, dozens of times in the past. Maybe even hundreds. McKay used to make it a lot because back when Indie was small, she was a very picky eater. McKay worked hard on expanding her palate because he would eat anything. Food was an adventure in his mind. So he was always trying introduce new vegetables, or some kind of fish, or whatever at dinner time. And dinner, like church, was a constant in Indie’s life. She had to be home every night at seven o’clock to eat with McKay—and sometimes Adam and I, if we were around— or she would be in a lot of trouble.