“Stop downplaying yourself. What you’ve done for Parker and me…” Her voice cracked and she allowed it to drift off. She studied me with her lips pinched together as if she were trying to figure out what to say. She dropped her gaze, and I watched as her shoulders rose and fell with each deep breath.
“It’s my job,” I said quietly. The last thing I needed was for her to feel like I was somehow acting outside of how a person should act. Making sure they were safe was my number one responsibility.
“Is that it? Are we only a job to you?”
Her words caught me off guard, as did the intensity of her gaze when she brought it back up to study me. I parted my lips as I thought about what she asked. Was she a job to me? As much as I wanted to say yes—because that would mean that I’d kept my promise to Adam—I wanted to equally say no.
She had never been a job for me. Ever. Since the moment I met her, I wanted to be with her. I wanted her smile, the one that exposed the faint dimple on her cheek, to be directed toward me. I wanted to hold her at night and kiss her in the morning.
Sadie had become my everything. And I had never wanted more for her than to see her happy. And I was sure, with how I was now, that I couldn't be the bringer of that happiness. Maybe for a short time, but the slide down after the ups was something I didn’t want to share with her, or have her take on. The more I broke things down in my mind, the more I allowed myself to be honest, the more I was beginning to realize that I was not whole.
My deployment, and my experience there, had broken me.
It didn’t mean I was beyond repair, but it did mean that I needed to fix myself—or at least be on the path toward healing—before I could even imagine being the man that Sadie needed.
“Mason.” Sadie’s whisper sent shivers across my skin. I glanced down to see her step toward me. She reached out, and before I could stop myself, she wrapped her hand around mine.
My breath halted in my chest as I closed my eyes for a moment. It had been so long since someone had touched me so softly—so long since I’d let them. I kept everyone away.
No woman that I’d tried to date could affect me like Sadie. My whole world revolved around her, and if I didn’t step back now, I was fairly certain I wouldn’t be able to in the future. Then where would we be? My demons wouldn’t stay locked up forever—heck, I was barely keeping that black box closed as it was, and she hadn’t even tried to get me to open up.
What if she asked questions? The hard ones.
What if I snapped in front of her? Or at her? I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
This would be the last stand that I would make against her. I needed some time to think and get my head right, then I’d come back to her. I could only pray that she’d still be here, because I didn’t have the right to ask her to wait for me.
“Sadie, I can’t,” I said. The gruffness of my voice exposed the emotions that I was trying to tamp down.
“Why?” she asked.
Never in my life did I expect that one word to mean so much. If I allowed myself to break it down, I knew it meant that she cared. More than I’d ever allowed myself to imagine.
“Is it because of Adam?” Her eyes were wide. I could feel the love she had for me emanating from her gaze. It made my heart sing, and it took all of my strength not to wrap my arms around her and pull her to me. To hold onto her and never let her go.
Not able to speak because of the overflowing of emotions, I just nodded and then slowly shook my head. “Adam. You and me. My mind.” I waved my hand in circles while pointing at my head. I didn’t want her to know how broken I really was. What if that caused her to pull her heart away from me? What if I scared her? What if I was just too much for a single mom to add to her already full plate?
I was a project and a half, and I couldn’t handle rejection from Sadie. Not when I’d loved her my entire life.
She squeezed my hand and stepped even closer. The wind picked up her scent and wafted it around me. I took in a deep breath, revealing in the complete satisfaction I felt from just having her near.
But no matter how much I wanted to keep her close, I knew I needed to step away. If I believed what Sadie was saying or feeling, I needed to walk before I wrapped her up in the mess that was my life.
So I offered a soft smile and then did one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I slipped my hand from hers and stepped back. I watched as her hopeful expression slipped into a frown. I could see her desperation as she moved to step closer to me.
“I can’t, Sadie,” I said quickly.
Not won’t—because I would if I could.
Not don’t want to—because I wanted her more than anything.
I raised my hand as if that was all it would take to fend her off. To get her to turn around and walk away.
Her eyebrows rose and a fire ignited in her gaze. I knew that if I didn’t get out of there soon, she was going to unleash the storm of confusion brewing inside of her.
I pulled out my keys and held them up as I said, “I should go.” Before she could respond, I sidestepped her and hurried to my car, where I climbed inside and started the engine. It took all of my strength not to turn around and head back to her.
I swallowed down my frustration as I paused at a stoplight. I closed my eyes for a moment as I took in a deep breath in a pathetic attempt to calm myself.
You can do this. You can do this, I chanted in my mind. But with each mile I put between Sadie and me, the more I began to doubt my ability to do anything.
I’d been fighting for so long. Fighting the guilt. Fighting my feelings for Sadie. Fighting the fear I’d felt as bullets whizzed around me. Fight. Fight. Fight.
By the time I pulled into the parking lot at the sheriff’s department and turned off the engine, I was a mess. A complete and total basket case. My hands shook, and my breathing was as ragged as a torn tee shirt. Realizing that there was no way I would be any help at work today, I pulled my phone from my pocket and called Potts.
He answered on the second ring. “Potts.”
I sucked in my breath. “Hey, it’s McKnight. I was wondering if I could take a few days for some R&R.” I hated sounding weak, and I hated the fact that I needed help even more. I held my breath as I waited for a response. Part of me expected him to ream me up one side and down the other for taking off without notice. I gripped the steering wheel with one hand and the phone with the other.
I could hear him tapping on his keyboard—something he did when he thought. When the tapping stopped, I waited for his response.
“I think that’s a great idea, McKnight. Take some time, get your head on straight, and then come on back.”
Tears brimmed my lids as I nodded, thanked him, and then hung up. The respect and understanding that everyone seemed to give me was a little more than I could bear. How could so many people love me when I was struggling to love myself?
Didn’t they know I had failed? There were people who’d depended on me, and they were no longer here because I’d let them down.
Not wanting to turn into a blubbering mess in the parking lot at work, I threw my car into reverse and headed back home. I was going to change, grab my fishing gear, and head to my family’s cabin for some solitary fishing and quiet.
By the time I pulled into the long dirt driveway that led up to the cabin, I was feeling more together. There was something about being surrounded by trees and fresh air that calmed the soul. I took in a few cleansing breaths when I pulled open the driver’s door.