I sighed as I settled back, trying to feel calm but without much success. I needed to know why she was here and when she was going to leave. But I knew barking these questions at her was not going to make Mom—or Sadie—happy. So I held my breath and counted down.
Perhaps we needed to start somewhere less exposing. My family seemed like a great place.
“I remember the year Dad bought this place,” I said slowly with a cadence that I hoped proved to her I wasn’t her worst case. We could solve this in an afternoon. I was determined.
“Yeah? How old were you?” She didn’t look at me.
What did that mean? Was she taking mental notes?
I settled my nerves and forced myself to be calm even though I felt like someone was jabbing me with a hot poker. At least when the focus was on my family, I could converse with ease. “Twelve. Lottie was so little we didn’t dare let her out of the house without someone to watch her.”
She smiled and fell silent again. The more we sat in silence, the more I began to realize that it might kill me. With a conversation, I could make tactical choices and maneuvers. In the silence, I had no way to plan what was going to happen.
“Is this how you fix me?” I turned my full gaze on her, daring her to tell me how broken I was.
She drew in a deep breath. “Oh, it’s not my intention to fix you. I don’t think you’re broken.”
“Oh.” I let that digest for a moment. For so long, I’d thought I had a problem. Feeling confused, I furrowed my brow and asked, “Why are you here, then?”
She shrugged, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she picked up a rock at her feet and tossed it into the water. “I’m here to listen.”
I scoffed. “Listen? That’s all?” Didn’t she know that Sadie was waiting for me to be better? We didn’t have time to just listen. Now was the time for action. “No thanks. I don’t have time for sharing feelings.”
She turned her big blue eyes on me. She could have been an officer with eyes like that. They didn’t back down. “What is it you want, Mason? I mean, besides all this…solitude.” She waved her hand to indicate the lake and the pier, the trees and the blue sky. “What do you want from life?”
I scraped my thumb across my bottom lip and figured, what the heck? “I want to be a family with Sadie and Parker.”
She narrowed her eyes as she studied me. I could tell she was sizing up my sincerity, and I met her gaze head on. “You can do that. But we’ve got to get you off that battlefield. A marriage is not a tactical mission. In some ways, it is. You need a cool head and determination to succeed. But you also need to step back, to listen. To breathe.”
I started shaking my head, but just as she said the word breathe, I found myself responding. I exhaled, and as I did, the stress from my chest, heart, and mind left with it.
“It’s not so much about fixing your brain as it is retraining it. You’re not a soldier anymore. You’re a civilian.” She held up her finger. “There’s a difference.”
I pictured Sadie’s beautiful face with her barely there dimple. I closed my eyes and grabbed the memory of kissing her, of her body molding to mine and the two of us getting lost in each other. I pictured her soft hand in mine and the peace that came with just being hers.
I valued that woman. More than I valued the air I breathed. She had a wit that could put me in my place so fast and a softness that made me melt.
I shook my head, unable to voice the emptiness that kept me from reaching for Sadie. “What if I can never be a civilian again?” I asked, my voice breaking from the emotions I felt.
Heather offered me a hopeful smile. “What if you can? What if you could be free from the guilt, the shame and the darkness that comes over you? What if you were in control again and a loud noise didn’t send you to the floor.”
I stared at her. I knew she knew—she had a brother like me. But it was different to hear her say it out loud. Like there was no shame in talking about it.
Heather shook her head. “It happens to warriors who suffer from PTSD, Mason. You’re not alone.” She sighed, and I saw tears cling to her lashes. “It happened to Connor.”
“And you helped him?”
She smiled and reached down into her purse. With her phone in hand, she swiped on her screen and held it up for me to see. “Connor, Tabatha, and Trinity.” On her screen was a picturesque family. Connor had Trinity up on his shoulders while Tabatha stood next to them, laughing and clutching her swollen belly.
I glanced up at Heather as if to ask her if that was real. She nodded.
“His night terrors. His lashing out. He’s managed to find coping mechanisms to help with all of that. Now, they are one big happy family. ”
The weight of my world lifted for a moment as the realization that I wasn’t alone washed over me. The words—that picture—were like a lifeline, and all I wanted to do was reach for it. Whatever tricks she had to shrink my head, I was game. One hundred percent. “What do I have to do?”
“For starters, we have a weeklong camp that starts tomorrow. You’ll get a sponsor, learn how to reset your mind, and get a crash course in EFT and tapping.”
I wasn’t familiar with those phrases. “I don’t know what that is.”
“It’s healing.” She smiled softly.
“And at the end of this week, I’ll be able to face Sadie?”
She laughed. “Slow down, pistol. At the end of the week, we can visit the idea of Sadie. Really, it’s up to you. If you think she’ll be an asset to your healing—”
“She will.” I didn’t even have to think about it. I knew she was mine and I was hers.
Heather smiled. “Then I guess it depends on how hard you work.”
I pushed to my feet and fought the urge to salute. Even though saluting was the sign of respect I was used to, I was a civilian now. So I extended my hand. “I think I have enough motivation to succeed.”
“Just make sure you do it for you as well.” She leaned in. “Helps it stick long-term.”
I nodded.
She watched me for a moment before she asked, “Is Sadie your girlfriend?”
My heart swelled with love for Sadie. ”She’s my hope.”
Heather chuckled. “Man, that’s what I need.”
When I gave her a confused look, she just shrugged. “Never mind. I’ll get going.” She pulled out a notebook and pen. Then she jotted something down before ripping off the piece of paper and handing it over. “Tomorrow, seven a.m. sharp.”
I took the paper from her and nodded. “Seven.”
“And…maybe shower.”
I grinned and promised her I would. As I watched her walk away, a sense of hope settled around me. For the first time, I could see myself as healed. For the first time, I could see a future with Sadie. For the first time, the clouds of pain that had hung over me for so long seemed to be breaking.
Suddenly my future was there, right in front of me. It was bright and full of love, and I couldn’t wait for it to start.
Chapter 20
Sadie
I waited just outside the classroom door, smiling at people as they streamed past me even though I was ready to dig my nails into Camden. Adrenaline pumped through me. It wasn’t until now that I realized why a mother can lift a car off their child. When moms are threatened…heaven help the person on the receiving end.