‘What’s the drama? You get caught getting high?’
‘Freddie’s a lying shit. He lied to me, Stella. He’s been lying to me all this time, the cheating bastard.’
Stella’s eyes narrowed.
‘Of course he’s a liar. Wake up, Dixie. They all are. Even losers like Jake find a way to fuck you over. Newsflash, Dixie. Men lie. Men cheat. What makes you think that you’re so special? Freddie’s hot and rich, and at this stage in life he’s probably the best you’re going to get. Don’t be such a princess! You’re forty and fading. Get real.’
Dixie recoiled. She couldn’t handle this. Stella was sitting up, her chin jutting defiantly. The side of her face was imprinted with the creases from the bed. Her hair a slutty mess. Dixie saw the sadness in her eyes, and she knew this wasn’t about her.
‘Christ Stella, what is it with you? You think that just because you’ve got some hot-shot job at Slop! that you can behave like a drunk slut and get away with it? Get a grip. Poor Jake. What did he do to deserve you?’ She laughed cruelly, knowing she should stop. ‘No wonder he’s a gambler. Guy deserves to win something after years of losing. Look at the state of you, drunk and wearing a see-through top and a neon bra. Newsflash, Grandma, the Nineties are long gone. It’s not funny, and it sure as hell isn’t sexy.’
‘What did you say to me?’ shouted Stella. ‘At least I’m not a whore. Twenty years as PA to Peter and I suppose you never gave any extras. At least I have a career and the balls to look after myself and sort my own shit out. What have you done? Nothing!! And now you are going to run away at the first sign of trouble. Pathetic!’
Dixie felt the rage burning, sharpened and heightened by her grief. She was sobbing as she went for Stella.
‘Peter’s like a father to me! How dare you!’
She had Stella’s thick hair in her hand and was trying to pull her off the bed. She felt Stella’s teeth on her leg, painful even through the denim of her jeans.
‘What are you two doing!?’ Ana was there. She was trying to pull them apart.
‘Will you two STOP! What’s going on?’
‘She started it,’ Dixie hissed.
‘Dixie is running scared again, more fear of commitment. And I’m not the one running around in a designer dress on Long Island pretending I am some kind of A-lister. Wake up, sweetheart, it may all be lies but it doesn’t get any better than this. I have a husband I can’t trust and two kids to worry about. What have you got to worry about? Yourself!’ Stella lunged at Dixie again.
‘Stop it!’ shouted Ana. ‘I’ve done something terrible. I need you! Please…’ Her voice tremored.
‘Oh piss off, Ana. You going to tell us you fucked your ex. Screwed over your baby Dad. Whatever,’ Stella mocked her.
‘I didn’t mean to,’ she cried. ‘It just happened.’
‘You’re 39 years old, Ana,’ snapped Dixie. ‘Things don’t just happen. That’s why I invited Joel. You’ve been living a lie. You needed someone to shock you awake. Now deal with it. You’ve dodged a bullet, and Rex has a get out of jail free card.’
‘I might be pregnant. I can’t just walk away. I’ve got responsibilities. I can’t just be a selfish whore. Is my baby going to grow up without a father? I can’t— I didn’t—’
Stella’s face was red and swollen.
‘I am gonna rip your clichéd little Lara Croft ponytail right off your pea-sized head,’ sneered Stella.
‘It’s not a clip-on!’
‘Oh, I know that.’
‘Don’t you see that you’ve wrecked my life! How am I going to tell Rex what’s happened? I might be carrying his baby. Will he ever forgive me?’
‘Of course he will. You’re as good as it gets for someone like Rex. You were always going to mess it up at the finishing line. You can’t choose a partner on a spreadsheet. You might be able to hold it together for a while, but biology kicks in in the end.’
‘And vanity. A world-famous pop star or a baby-faced accountant. Predictable!’
‘He’s an account director!’
‘Whatever, he’s got tiny hands and a flaccid penis. Joel is a proper man.’
‘And he’s loaded.’
‘Yeah, ride the wave. This might be the last one before the menopause,’ Stella said. ‘And you might want to think about that, Dixie, before you run out on Freddie.’
‘What’s Freddie done?’ asked Ana.
In the drama, Dixie had almost forgotten, and the recollection overwhelmed her. The world seemed to lose all colour and she had to scrunch her eyes closed to prevent herself screaming. She pulled against Ana’s grip on the nape of her neck. The pain made her feel safe.
‘What’s he done?’
‘Cheated or something. Whatever,’ Stella slurred.
‘His wife’s still alive. He’s still married. It’s all a lie.’
Dixie felt Ana’s grip loosen momentarily and took advantage. Ignoring the pain she wrenched herself free and fled the room, not caring where she was going or what was going to happen next. She just had to get away. She’d run to Stella and Ana seeking safety and instead encountered the kind of cruelty that only those closest to us can dish out. She had to find Peter.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Stella
Stella arrived home completely exhausted from the flight. She pressed the door closed behind her as quietly as she could. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. Jake had left the hall light on, she noticed, feeling grateful on the one hand and caged by her predictability. If he could manage the small things, how could he mess up something as big as gambling away their financial security? At least he never cheated on her. Guiltily recalling Dixie’s horrified face as she came to terms with Freddie’s betrayal, Stella wondered at the fact that she’d never questioned Jake’s fidelity. Even, she was exasperated to note, as she cheated on him with Coco. But for some reason Coco didn’t feel like infidelity to her, and she guessed this was because she was another girl, so it felt safe. They had been texting all weekend and Stella enjoyed the banter, but her emotions were hanging by a thread, and she suddenly felt herself feeling needy for Coco, and so she also knew she had to finish it with her to maintain her sanity. Hangovers and fatigue, she recalled, sometimes give us access to uncomfortable truths. Truths, she thought, that we are organised enough to defend ourselves against when we’re bolstered by the everyday. She shook her head and momentarily considered opening a bottle of Pinot Grigio to soften her hard landing. No, she thought, I’ve had my interlude of reality avoidance and the dream had turned into a nightmare. Oh god, she thought. What things had she said to Dixie and Ana? Then she stung with indignation as she recalled the barbs they’d thrown, which had cut deep, close to her heart. Friends make the worst enemies. Even gentle Ana. They’d chosen not to speak other than to complete the functional necessities of travelling home together. When the check-in desk had informed them they couldn’t sit together, Stella was certain she’d heard Ana mutter ‘good’ before she strode off with her boarding pass. She’d only seen the back of her head at passport control. She had no idea how Ana had got herself home to Battersea.