Another audience member interrupts. ‘What if I don’t want a man?’
Meredith and Jemima look at each other like they’ve heard this before.
‘If a woman tells you she’s happily single, she’s lying,’ Jemima replies.
The audience start jeering again and Jemima holds up her hands. ‘We’ve done the research – it’s true. Women don’t talk about it openly because they’re embarrassed they’ll look desperate. But we aren’t afraid to confront uncomfortable truths.’
Amy turns to the group. ‘I can honestly say that I’m happily single right now. And I’m not lying.’
Hattie scoffs. ‘Right now? Try forever.’
‘Boo as much as you like, but when we’re finished with these girls, they’ll be beautiful inside and out,’ says Meredith. ‘We turn them into real ladies and give them a much better chance of finding a gentleman who isn’t going to ditch them for some other floozy when they have a bun in the oven!’
‘Meredith, please,’ Jemima says, embarrassed.
Someone in the audience lobs a scone at Meredith’s head, which knocks her hat off and leaves a blob of cream on her forehead. She gasps and marches off the set, dodging more cakes flying her way.
‘Wait, come back, Meredith!’ shouts Adam, laughing. ‘Audience, please, if you throw things you’ll be thrown out.’
‘I’m not coming back until they calm down!’ Meredith shouts as the camera zooms in on her face, peering out from behind a hedge.
‘OK, well, we’re on a schedule – this is live TV! So we’ll have to carry on without you. Jemima, care to explain to the housemates what today’s challenge is?’
‘Certainly, Adam,’ Jemima says. ‘Today’s challenge is called Isn’t She Lovely? It’s about proving they can leave a lovely lasting impression.’
‘And how does it work?’
‘It’s simple, Adam. Five women, five men, five tea parties. Each housemate will host a ten-minute tea party during which their guest will ask a unique set of questions that puts their etiquette to the test. First, our housemates must choose an appropriate outfit. Second, they must choose an appropriate menu and execute it to perfection. Lastly, they must prove they know how to conduct themselves properly by taking a simple quiz during the tea party. The most exciting part is that we’re gifting the ladies with a brand-new wardrobe, thanks to our friends at Cutie Pie! All the tea party supplies thanks to our friends at Waitrose of course. And we’ve thrown a few curveballs, too, on purpose!’
‘And do you have any style tips for the girls before they start?’ Adam asks.
‘Of course. There are three basic rules I follow. One, wear a skirt or a dress. They’re more elegant, and will accentuate the feminine form men love. Two, less flesh is best – revealing clothing will leave a guest thinking he’s not the only man you want to impress. And thirdly, wear a smile. The international symbol for loveliness, and it’s free!’
‘Are you buying all this, Flick?’ Jackie turns to her.
‘I know it’s hard to hear, but it is true. Men won’t think you’re wife material if you’re running around with your cleavage on parade like you want people to look.’ She sighs. ‘And now here come the insults and death threats …’
‘OK, housemates, you know what you’ve got to do,’ says Adam. ‘Your tea party ingredients and clobber will arrive at the front door at three p.m. No bun fights, ladies – I know what you’re like!’
Twenty-Eight
Dooooong.
At the front door is a carpet of Cutie Pie boxes with notes attached, addressed personally to each contestant.
Dear Amy,
We hope you love your new Cutie Pie collection! Inside this gift box, you’ll find a selection from the new summer season, never seen before by the public. Your task is to choose the perfect outfit to wear on a date to a traditional English garden tea party. And before you panic, our style experts have been watching you since the start of the show and are confident that size 12 will fit you perfectly.
We can’t wait to see what you choose!
Your fans at Cutie Pie xxx
Amy runs into the bedroom, ecstatic. She’s been itching for something new to wear. She listens to the others around her ripping the cardboard with mixed reactions. She opens her box and spots what she wants to wear in two seconds flat.
‘Gem, that’s stunning!’ says Amy, when she returns to the living room and sees Gemma spinning around, looking in the mirror, examining every inch of her look. It’s a maroon dress with a high-necked lace bodice and a pleated skirt that reaches down to her calves, just showing her ankles. The look on her face says she hates it.
‘I look so boring and frumpy,’ she grumbles. ‘I don’t care what Ms Prissy Pants said – it’s not sexy if you don’t show skin!’
‘The last thing a husband wants is for his wife to look sexy at a tea party, Gemma. They want classy, understated and elegant.’ Flick sighs, ignoring Gemma’s glare as she turns to look at herself in the mirror. She’s wearing a high-necked red tea dress with a white butterfly print. ‘I’m not sure this is right. Red is a bit too … bold, I think. Bold isn’t lovely.’
‘Is this lovely?’ Jackie struts into the living room with mile-long legs stretching out from under a bright green playsuit with gold heels that make her five inches taller.
‘Oh my God, you look amazing, babes!’ Gemma cries.
‘Oh, come on.’ Flick stares at her. ‘What’s the point of these challenges if you lot don’t take them seriously? You can’t wear that to a tea party, that’s absurd.’
‘But what’s the point of taking these challenges seriously when they are so absurd?’ Jackie rolls onto the couch and lifts one leg in the air like Victoria Beckham.
‘I bet this is the option I’m supposed to pick,’ Flick says, holding up a long-sleeved white midi-length wrap dress with ruffles at the front. ‘It looks like a wedding dress!’ She smiles and daydreams in the mirror.
Gemma starts rifling through more of her pieces, bringing out bits of lace and velvet. Exhaling sharply, she stomps off to the kitchen.
‘Is this appropriate for a tea party?’ Hattie asks, walking down the corridor stairs and pausing at the bottom, looking hopefully at the housemates for approval. ‘I’ve never been to one.’
She’s wearing a perfectly fitted sky-blue shirt dress with a bright pink belt and matching low wedges.
‘Oh Hat, you look awesome!’ Amy shouts.
Hattie’s cheeks turn as pink as the belt on her dress. ‘It has pockets!’ She shows them, delighted.
‘Hot damn, Hattie!’ Gemma shouts, coming back from the kitchen with a pair of scissors in her hand. ‘Or should we call you Hottie?’
‘Gemma, don’t!’ cries Flick.
Too late. Gemma slices into the fabric at the tops of her thighs and turns a midi into a mini in less than a minute.
‘Ah, that’s more me!’ she says, beaming and twisting her tanned legs in the mirror.
Back in the bedroom, Amy tries on her chosen piece. It’s a white maxi wrap dress with tiny coral flowers and long chiffon sleeves to hide her arms. It’s the perfect fit. Amy’s hoping she can keep this wardrobe when she leaves, because this would also be the perfect dress to wear on a night out in Phuket.