‘Oh, for God’s sake.’ She tuts as she turns her fork over and then looks at Jason.
‘You still love Gemma, don’t you?’
He puts the card down and starts playing with his fork. Then he looks up at her and raises his eyebrows. ‘Is it that obvious?’ he asks quietly. ‘I do. I really miss her. Thank God I can see her on telly every day, so I know she’s OK. I feel terrible for doing this to her, you know. I honestly thought it would be good for her. To have a break. Not from me, but from that bloody phone of hers. Someone told me about doing a digital detox the other day, and I kind of felt this would be the same thing. Plus, I really wanted her to have some proper thinking time about what she’s been like these last few months, with her following taking off. I love her so much, I think she’s amazing and I couldn’t be prouder of all her hard work. But I just think she needs balance. And I’m not the only one. I talked to her ma and pa about it, too. They were all for me putting her on the show. It’s like … what do you call those things? An intervention. I just hope she can forgive me.’
As he says this, looking at his plate, Amy sees Gemma glance over in his direction again.
‘I think she probably can, Jason.’
‘Has she said anything? You know, off camera?’ he asks, with a look of desperation.
‘Yeah, she talks about you all the time,’ Amy fibs.
His face lights up with a broad smile and he blushes.
The moment is interrupted by a burst of laughter from Jackie’s table. Deano has one of those infectious laughs that spread like wildfire. Both of their faces are crumpled in giggles and tears are streaming from their eyes, and Jackie actually folds out of her chair and onto her knees, holding her stomach.
‘I’m sorry, this is just so stupid!’ she manages to get out in between breaths. ‘He just told me that I have to store my caviar in a champagne flute!’ She cracks up again.
Their hysterics start to reach across the garden, and, in a few seconds, everyone else is crying with laughter, shoulders shaking all round. It’s impossible not to catch it in such a formal setting. When Amy turns her head towards Flick, she’s happy to see she’s caught the bug, too. Even the skull is having a jolly old time, bouncing up and down with its mouth hanging open.
The housemates are sitting in a row on the sofa, watching stony-faced Ms Prim and Ms Proper staring at Adam with arms folded and mouths turned down.
‘Good evening, girls! I’m hoping everyone has recovered from this afternoon’s tea party hysteria? Did anyone learn anything? Does anyone feel more polite or refined? Ms Prim, Ms Proper, what’s your verdict?’
‘Adam, no one really took this challenge seriously at all, so it’s going to be extremely difficult for us to judge. But we made a commitment, and we’re here.’
‘And what a delight it is to have you with us,’ he says with a hint of sarcasm. ‘Shall we recap what happened today?’
The screen cuts to a montage that includes slow-motion footage of the scone hitting Meredith in the face; the housemates parading around in their outfits; Gemma cutting her dress in half; Hattie sitting in silence opposite @bicepsandberries and Jackie falling on the floor, laughing. It ends on Jason and Amy’s conversation.
‘I love her so much, I think she’s amazing and I couldn’t be prouder of all her hard work.’
‘Ah, Gem, that’s lovely,’ says Hattie. ‘Reckon you two will make up?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll see.’ Gemma smiles, shrugs and rubs her lips with balm.
‘Jason, stop, you’re making us well up!’ Adam winks. ‘Now, moving swiftly on to our judging panel. Prim, Proper, what have you got to say about it all?’
‘Well, even though she let us down by laughing at The Jackie Show,’ Jemima replies, ‘the award for exquisite elegance, excellent hosting skills and knowledge of etiquette is Flick. Congratulations, Flick! She is the loveliest by far. For her efforts, she wins a three-course meal for two tomorrow evening, prepared by a Michelin-starred chef.’
The audience cheer.
‘We haven’t finished yet,’ shouts Meredith. ‘There’s still the booby prize to be awarded. And that prize, for worst contestant, has to go to Jackie, who has shown nothing but contempt for this challenge. From her ghastly outfit to her revolting menu, to her outlandish behaviour that would see her get thrown out of any decent establishment. Really, I think there’s no hope for Jackie. I don’t know how she’s still on the show.’
The audience start booing the more offensive Meredith becomes, and she looks nervous that she might become a target again, with her hands resting in mid-air.
Unexpectedly, Flick stands up.
‘I have a question,’ she states. Not loudly enough, as Adam continues talking. ‘Hello, I have a question! Hello!’ she shouts, and waves her arms.
Adam finally notices her and hushes his guests. ‘Let her speak, ladies and gentlemen! Our winner has something she’d like to say, I think. Flick, what’s your question?’
‘Can I take anyone to the three-course dinner by the Michelin-starred chef?’
‘Yes, of course! We’ll see if Simon is free.’
‘I don’t want to tame Simon, I want to take Jackie.’
‘Ah, isn’t that lovely, audience?’ Adam interrupts the moment. ‘I feel like releasing a flock of doves. But sadly, folks, it’s not a flock of doves that I’ll be releasing tonight.’
The audience ooh as Adam walks up to the camera and the housemates look at each other nervously.
‘No, ladies and gentlemen. Because tonight, I’m releasing a housemate.’
Twenty-Nine
Adam is standing at the back of the stage. Behind him is a giant screen with their five names on a bar chart: Flick, Hattie, Amy, Jackie, Gemma. The bars are level at the bottom of the chart.
‘That’s right, everybody, tonight it’s up to our studio audience to buzz in their votes from the buttons in front of their seats. So, who will it be? She might be the hostess with the mostest, but is Flick the housemate with the mostest? Or will it be Chatty Hattie with her pork meat patties? Gemma the Gym Queen? Or Jack Attack? Finally, who could forget our girl-next-door Amy? Some say she’s too boring, but maybe Miss Wright will be Miss All Right in this round. Wait, is it Miss or Ms? Ms sounds a bit miserable now, doesn’t it? But you know what they say, folks, if the cap fits … Studio audience, only you have the power to save your fave. It’s time to get those fingers on the five buttons in front of you. You have thirty seconds to decide which housemate you want to remain in the house. ARE. YOU. READY?’
The housemates inch towards each other on the sofa and hold hands. This has all happened so quickly, they’ve barely had time to gather their thoughts, or stress about who will be the next to leave. The Tracker is all they have to go on, and Hattie is coming last. But Amy’s seen that turn at the last minute, so there’s nothing stopping it from turning now.
‘Voting starts … now!’
A countdown clock starts as the bars begin to grow.
Flick, Gemma and Amy’s bars start rocketing up the graph. Amy’s slows after five seconds. Followed by Gemma’s. Followed by Flick’s, which eventually reaches the top. Hattie and Jackie’s are moving, but crawling compared to the rest.