‘If this is a surprise party, can you hurry up and surprise me, please,’ she says to anyone who might be watching.
After five minutes, there’s still no reveal. Amy gets up and walks into a room on the other side. It’s a dormitory with eight single beds, a wall made of mirrors and another ceiling camera at one end. When it spots her it starts blinking green.
‘Bit antisocial, Jamie,’ she says loudly. ‘Who wants to sleep in a single bed? While being filmed?’
She wanders between the beds, hunting for any clues. Either Jamie’s flash mob has gone wrong, he’s made a terrible mistake with a hotel booking or he’s bought this place for her, him and their six future children.
Whir. Beep.
The noise is beginning to grate.
She takes a seat on the end of a bed, throws herself back on the mattress and stares at the ceiling. Suddenly, it dawns on her and she sits back up. She knows what this is!
Leaping up, she runs under the camera, jumping up and down and clapping her fingers together like a seal.
‘I’ve worked it out! It’s that fitness boot camp you were talking about last year!’ she shouts. ‘You didn’t have to blindfold me, I would have come if you’d just asked – I’m not that bad.’ She laughs, knowing full well she would have gone straight to the Krispy Kreme counter at Fulham Broadway, just like she did after his gym gift.
‘Amy, please go to the Chat Room.’
Robot voice is back.
Amy hurries through to the living room, pausing briefly in front of three posters she didn’t notice before.
IT’S NEVER TOO LATE
TO BE A SIZE 8!
ARE YOU SELFIE-READY?
SMILE BRIGHT, WITH RIGHT WHITE
BRING BACK YOUR BEAUTY
WITH BULL SEMEN!
Why didn’t she think about the boot camp earlier? It all makes sense now. That’s why she didn’t need a jacket.
There are two doors off the dining room. One is labelled the Chat Room; the other, the Therapy Room. She grabs the Chat Room handle and pushes the heavy door open with all her weight. It’s dark inside, but the light streaming in from the dining room reveals one enormous single armchair that looks like a throne. She fumbles around for a light switch, finds nothing and steps forward, letting go of the door. It slams shut, leaving her alone in the pitch black. Inching further with her arms outstretched, she finds the armchair and quickly sits down, tapping her right leg as she nervously waits for her big boot camp surprise. Now that she knows what this is, she’s finding the whole experience quite exciting. Maybe even fun. Yes, she’s disappointed there will be no proposal with pina coladas on a paradise beach. Yes, she’s embarrassed to admit to Sarah that she was wrong. Again. But whatever this is, Jamie has gone to a lot of effort. She can’t deny that. When Jamie’s determined, nothing stops him.
Whir. Beep.
A small green dot starts to flash in front of her and just as she leans forward to look closer, an explosion of light blinds her. She bends into her lap to shield her eyes. After a few seconds, she slowly sits up to face a screen that’s appeared in front of her. Her heart pounding, she rubs her eyes and blinks.
She breathes out. It’s a photo of her and Jamie, taken at a wedding they went to in Italy last year. It’s her favourite – not just because the downward angle hides her chins, but because they look so happy together. A video begins and soft violin music fills the air. The photo switches to another one of them taken in Devon, their first trip away together. Then another at the Edinburgh Festival. Then another in Norfolk. The lump in Amy’s throat returns, but she laughs it off when she sees him photobombing her on a gondola in Venice.
SCREECH!
Amy jumps out of the seat and slams her hands against her ears as a nails-on-chalkboard noise erupts from the TV. The photo rips in half and big writing fills the screen. With her fingers still in her ears, she reads.
AMY WRIGHT!
You’ve been left …
ON THE SHELF
‘Hello?’ she says quietly.
The TV flickers. And then, there he is. He’s sitting on an identical armchair, wearing the same clothes that he left her in.
‘Is it ready?’ Jamie asks someone behind the camera. ‘Can I talk? Can she see me?’
‘Jamie?’ She starts waving at the screen, wondering if he can see her.
He looks into the camera. There are beads of sweat on his forehead and he starts rubbing his nose and coughing as if he’s preparing to make a speech.
‘JAMIE?’ she shouts.
‘Amy. I can’t see you. I can’t hear you. But that’s going to make this easier for both of us. Well, mainly me, I suppose.’ He laughs awkwardly and looks at the person behind the camera.
‘Make what easier? Hello? Jamie?’ Amy stands up and moves closer to the screen.
Jamie shifts in his chair, looks down at the floor and sweeps his hair back before fixing his eyes on the camera.
‘Amy. Piglet. You must be wondering what’s going on.’
‘No shit, Jamie,’ she whispers.
‘Amy, last month I had an epiphany.’
Oh my God, he is going to propose! ‘Yes, I’ll marry you, Jamie! Stop sounding so nervous! Please, just get me the hell out of here.’
‘I’ve been trying to hide how I feel about you, but I just can’t anymore.’
‘I love you too!’ Amy shouts and throws her hands in the air.
‘We’re over.’ Jamie stares blankly at the camera, through the lens and at her.
That wasn’t what she was expecting. In fact, it couldn’t be further from what she was expecting. Amy’s hands are still in the air. Her jaw is somewhere on the ground.
‘What?’ Amy whispers, suddenly feeling faint.
‘I don’t want to get married.’
‘Oh my God.’ Her breath is shaky.
‘And I don’t want kids.’
Amy tries to gulp for air as she falls onto the chair and puts her fingers back in her ears. She jumps up and grabs the door handle, but it’s locked.
‘Let me out! I want to get out of here. Jamie, we need to talk!’
‘I want to make this as short and painless for you as possible, so this is me ripping the plaster off,’ he carries on coldly.
‘How could you do this to me?’ she cries, as she spins around, trying to find an escape route.
‘And you probably want to know where you are.’
Amy collapses back onto the chair, puffing, and looks up at the screen. How could he just destroy her whole future like that, in seconds?
‘You’re on the set of a new TV show called The Shelf. And we are both being watched by a studio audience in west London.’
The screen flickers to show a huge crowd of people standing in a room, who shout and wave at the cameras when they see they’re on screen.
‘What. The. Fuck,’ Amy whispers.
‘I saw an ad for the show in LAD and I thought we’d be the perfect couple for it. At a crossroads in our relationship – you thought we were going one way, I knew we were going the other.’
‘What crossroads? How could you do this to me in front of hundreds of people? You are such a tosser!’ She knew he could be cruel, but she never thought he would go this far. She folds herself into her lap, hiding her face from the cameras. She needs to get out of here.