‘Before you say no, Amy, and I’m sure that’s what you’re thinking, please just think about what this could do for us. Well, as individuals, I mean. You could get writing offers and I could get Headplace exposure. Plus, if you play your cards right on the show, you could win a million quid. A million quid, Piglet! That’s life-changing.’
Amy moves closer to the TV screen to stare deep into his eyes. Is this really happening?
‘Amy, I’m actually doing you a huge favour. You’ll probably thank me later. One, we don’t have to have a long drawn-out break-up, which neither of us would want. Two, we get publicity for our projects. And three, instant millionaire! Just remember the good times when you win, Ames. You know I’ve always wanted a Rangie.’
Then he laughs.
He actually bloody laughs.
‘Fuck you, Jamie!’
‘Goodbye, Piglet, good luck and go get ’em.’
Jamie gives her a wink, a grin and a thumbs up, and then the screen turns black, leaving Amy alone in the dark. She sniffs loudly and wipes under her eyes and nose with her sleeve. Then she remembers she’s being watched and hides her face in her hands.
She can’t believe she didn’t see this coming. Well, not this. How could anyone anticipate being dumped on TV? Do her parents know where she is? Can she leave now, or has she been abducted? Whatever this is, it can’t be legal.
A hidden door next to the TV bursts open and light pours into the Chat Room. Amy squints and sees the silhouette of a man in the frame.
‘Jamie?’ she whispers, desperately hoping this has all been a terrible practical joke.
The silhouette walks towards her and holds out a hand.
Four
The silhouette switches on a light and Amy comes face to face with her mystery rescuer. He’s tall and blond with a bushy beard, scruffy overgrown hair, thick-rimmed glasses and soft eyes.
He is not Jamie.
‘Hello Amy, I’m Sam. Executive producer on The Shelf.’
‘Where’s Jamie?’
From behind Sam, a skinny young man with a ponytail slides past them. She turns around and sees the back of the TV screen with wires falling out, a camera in the corner of the room and the armchair. Mr Ponytail starts to switch ribbon cables around. She feels invisible.
‘Jamie’s gone, Amy. I’m sorry.’ Sam puts one hand on her arm and quickly removes it when she scowls at him.
‘Where’s my phone?’ she growls.
‘Look, I know you’re feeling confused right now, but I’m here to help clear things up. It’s really not as bad as it seems. You might even feel excited by the time everything’s revealed. This is big. You’re going to be a star. Come with me and we’ll grab a cup of tea. We have to be quick – the next contestant is on her way and Jack here needs to finish prepping.’
Amy turns behind her to look at Jack. He’s kneeling on the floor, staring at her.
She hates them both.
Sam leads Amy out of the Chat Room and into a giant warehouse, where a swarm of people are running to and fro wearing walkie-talkies. Cameras are being wheeled around, and at one end of the vast room she sees a sign for STUDIO AUDIENCE. As she follows Sam closely across the room, she dodges beeping equipment and rattling trolleys.
‘Sam, the studio audience are expecting some action in thirty, you need to hurry up,’ says a brusque woman as she speeds past, without a glance in Amy’s direction.
They make it to the other side and enter a small room. There’s a sofa and a coffee table with paperwork on it, and a man in a pinstripe suit is standing on the far side of the room, facing away from them.
‘This is Harry. He does the legal stuff.’
‘How do you do?’ he says, turning around stiffly and holding his hand out. When she ignores it, he switches it to a signal for her to sit.
‘I’m here to answer any legal questions you might have about the show.’
Amy glances down at the paperwork and sees her name on both documents. How? When? Of course she doesn’t have any legal questions – she has no idea where she is or what she’s doing. She’d struggle with her name, she’s so confused.
Sam mutters into his walkie-talkie for someone called Polly to bring tea, as Amy sits down.
‘Hey, sugar?’ he asks, and for a horrible second, she thinks that’s what he’s calling her.
‘No.’
‘No sugar, Polly, cheers.’
Sam drops into the seat next to her and spreads his legs. Harry wipes his chair with a handkerchief before sitting down and smiling at her like this is the most normal thing in the world.
‘Amy,’ says Sam, ‘as Jamie mentioned in his break-up video, he’s nominated you to be on a new reality show called The Shelf, which is about to launch on Real TV. Right now, you’re sitting behind a studio in west London.’
Amy buries her head in her knees when she hears Sam say ‘break-up’. She feels sick. And very alone.
A knock on the door interrupts them. Sam stands up to open it and takes a paper cup of tea from a young woman, who gawps at Amy. She doesn’t move as Sam closes the door in her face and continues talking to Amy at the speed of light.
‘I know you’re feeling a bit down in the dumps right now – sorry, horrible turn of phrase – but please, just hear us out. You’re our very first show contestant. Ever! And The Shelf is going to be bigger than Bake Off by a million. You aren’t just going to be famous in the UK, Amy – you’re going to be famous around the world. We’re in talks to run this in the States, Australia and South Africa. You’re going—’
‘Wait, slow down.’ Amy cuts him off and puts her hand up to her face. ‘Are you telling me I haven’t just been dumped in front of hundreds of people, but I’ve just been dumped in front of millions of people?’
Harry the lawyer leans forward.
‘Amy, Amy, Amy.’ He slowly laughs and shakes his head. ‘We haven’t broadcast anything yet. We couldn’t do that without your permission. The break-up was watched by our studio audience, that’s all. There’s three hundred of them. It was a pre-recording run. Now we just need you to stay on the show, and give us the official thumbs up to broadcast what just happened by signing this paperwork.’
‘No. Can I leave now?’ Amy stands up, and Sam grabs her arm, pleading with her to sit down again.
‘Amy, before you decide, just give me another few minutes to explain the concept of the show. It’s an amazing opportunity for you.’
‘You don’t know anything about me!’ Amy hisses.
His walkie-talkie crackles and a voice tells him that they’re starting in twenty minutes.
‘Amy, I know more about you than you think. Our researchers have done their legwork. You’re an excellent writer, and I know you want to start a blog. I don’t know what you want to write about, but I do know blogs need followers to get money. We’re offering you ten thousand pounds just to participate, even if you’re only here for a week. Sure, this seems like a nightmare now, but it could make all your dreams come true. It could be incredible.’
After a long pause, she lowers herself back down and he lets go.
‘OK. Firstly, it’s like I’m A Celeb meets Big Brother, but better. And with an all-female cast. Six women who, like you, thought they were in happy relationships. But weren’t. Our next contestant is about to be dumped, just like you were an hour ago!’ Sam grins.