She swallows her lump and tries to sound positive, so they won’t worry if she decides to stay.
‘It’s called The Shelf! It’s like Big Brother. I’m at the studio now and they want me to stay here for a month. If I stay, I could win a million pounds! Anyway, I don’t quite know what to do and I’m still in shock. I was just giving you a quick call to see what you think. And if I stay, I won’t have access to my phone for a while, so it’s also a goodbye for now. Please don’t worry, I’ll be fine! You’ll either see me later, or … on TV, I suppose! Ha, weird!’ She fake-laughs. ‘OK, bye. Love you.’
She hangs up, sighs and carries on scrolling through Recents. Seeing Jamie’s name makes her feel sick and angry. She hovers over Sarah’s number for a few seconds and decides against pressing. Sarah won’t answer when she’s at work. And if she does, she will spend Amy’s remaining two minutes shouting about why she should leave immediately. And Amy isn’t sure she wants to hear that. She needs to weigh up her options alone and make her own choices.
On the plus side, she could win a million pounds. Freedom. Experiences. A first-class ticket to Asia. Time to start her blog. And she has been on an eat-sleep-work conveyor belt for the last six months. It’s not like she has a job to go to tomorrow. And she’s been wanting to take a proper break from freelancing for ages. Being here means no more narcissistic creative directors and dickhead clients for a whole month. This could be the trigger she needs to do something more with her life. It is exciting.
Something to tell the grandkids she’ll probably never have.
And then the anxiety hits. She is all alone. Single at thirty-two. What will her friends think of her? Sarah will be disappointed. Jane will think she’s a tragedy. What will the other contestants think of her? What will the public think of her?
She’s furious with Jamie. But she’s angrier at herself for sticking her head in the sand when she saw the signs. What would she do if she left now? She could break into Jamie’s, pour her foundation all over his bedsheets, get arrested, thrown in jail, take drugs, turn to the streets, lose all her teeth.
Calm down.
A chance to win a million pounds.
A chance to change my life.
A chance to start again.
A chance to show everyone I can be someone.
A chance to be me.
She closes her eyes, exhales and feels her nerves morph into excitement.
What have I got to lose?
Harry breaks the silence by opening the door, creeping in and sitting opposite her. Without saying a word, Amy takes the pen, signs the paperwork and seals her fate.
‘Ready to go back in?’ he says.
Sam hurries Amy back along the studio floor and guides her into the Chat Room. When she reaches the armchair, she turns to face him one final time.
‘I really hope you’ve made the right choice, Amy.’
The lights go off, the TV turns on and a countdown timer starts on the screen. When it reaches one, her face flickers onto the screen. She sweeps her hair back through her fingers, wishing she’d been to the bathroom. She looks like a sunburnt hamster.
‘Hello, Amy. Welcome. You’ve got an important decision to make.’
A piercing siren sounds and two big signs appear on the screen. One says STAY and the other says GO.
‘Amy. Please make your choice.’
Amy draws a deep breath, closes her eyes and states her decision.
KAPOW!
Firework graphics fill the screen and pop music roars through the air as the STAY sign lights up in neon and the cameras turn to the studio audience, who are going wild. The Chat Room lights up and confetti pours onto Amy from a bucket on the ceiling. She covers her head and can’t help but laugh as she looks at herself on the screen through the paper shreds and glitter.
Back in the studio, the cameras zoom in on Adam Andrews, former tween star of soap West London Free and reality show fail The Comeback Kid. The show had stopped airing after three episodes in which he failed every audition he attended, including one to play himself in a documentary remake of the soap. He never made it on TV again, apart from a D-list celebrity appearance. But he did make it online. His memes from the reality show are so popular that he has his own keyboard extension.
Pinch yourself. Adam Andrews knows who you are, even if he is a digital D-lister.
‘Amy is a stayer, but will she be The Keeper?’ he shouts into the mic. ‘Stay tuned for our next contestant: Jackie!’
The room turns black and the door beside her automatically unlocks.
‘Amy. Please return to the studio house and make yourself at home.’
She takes a deep breath and stands up.
Five
All Amy’s packed is a week’s worth of holiday clothes and a straw hat the size of a picnic rug. She fiddles with the lock on her suitcase, which was magically sitting in the hallway when she returned.
‘No coats required.’ She remembers him grinning.
Twat.
She debates who’s a bigger twat, her or him, as she drops onto the sofa, curls up into the cushions and strategically hugs a silver pillow to hide her belly rolls from the camera. She cringes as it dawns on her that she could be spending the next month in a bikini in front of millions. Of course, things would be different if she was the size 8 she’d planned to be at the start of the year. And every year since she was sixteen, for that matter. At least she’s wearing her trusty flight outfit. Skinny black jeans and an oversized jumper. Thank God for this season’s baggy trend. Who cares that Jamie hates it.
With no social media to fill these long minutes and occupy her thumb, Amy chews nervously at her broken nail. She abruptly stops and lowers her hand, remembering when Jamie told her she was filthy for doing it. He must be watching her. Picking at the cushion threads, she wonders if he feels guilty. Perhaps he’ll rush through the front door any second now with a thousand apologies tumbling from his mouth.
Oh, shut up, Amy, scolds her inner voice. Jamie doesn’t say sorry. He’s an arsehole. An arsehole she was prepared to spend the rest of her life with. An arsehole who’s ripped up her playbook and left her alone at thirty-two with no prospects of marriage or kids.
If Sarah was here, she’d drill some sense into her. She’ll be furious when she discovers what’s happened. Maybe more furious with Amy when she finds out she’s been choosing to stay with an arsehole over being single at her age. For confirming what she’s suspected all along.
‘Have you ever looked at this age concern from a different angle?’ Sarah once said to Amy. ‘Do you ever worry: Oh no, time’s running out to travel the world, watch what I like, eat my lunch without sharing and enjoy the simple and silent pleasure of being alone? Do you ever stop and think about what you’re giving up?’
Sarah’s jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend since they graduated and was always adamant that she’d ‘never settle’, even if it meant sacrificing having a family.
Amy had broached the subject of loneliness once. Did Sarah never feel lonely being single? Sarah had snorted half a gin sour out her nose. ‘How could I ever feel lonely, Ames? My life is full of people. Friends, family and, most important of all, me. For a guy to be with me, they have to be happy to fit into my life. I’m not selfish, I’m selfirst. Every boyfriend has expected me to fit in with their lives, and they didn’t like it when I expected the same. Obviously, not all guys are like that. Jamie isn’t like that, is he?’