‘Is that supposed to make me feel better?’ she asks them, looking over at Harry, who lowers his head.
Sam inches closer. ‘What you’ll learn on The Shelf will do you the world of good. How to be happier. How to be the best version of yourself. How to make smarter choices when it comes to men. And on top of that, there’s a one-million-pound cash prize waiting for the winner at the end of the month. I think you’ve got a really strong chance at being crowned The Keeper.’
‘The Keeper?’
‘You know: “She’s a keeper”. To be crowned The Keeper, you have to prove that you’re union material by completing all your tasks successfully and winning the heart of the public.’
She frowns. ‘Marriage material?’
‘Marriage material. Capable of doing things or behaving in a way that would create a happy union. Are you calm and easy to live with? Are you interested in making a house a home? Are you charming company? Are you good with children?’
Amy stops him with her hand. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, silly me, I didn’t realise the Chat Room is an actual time machine! Are we in 1955? Should I measure my hips to see if I’m ripe for childbearing?
‘Sorry, bad first examples. I promise we’ll apply those to the men, too. If this show is a success, we’re hoping to bring out The Shelf for men later this year!’ Sam says cheerfully, looking at Harry and then back at her.
‘And what will their tasks be – building sheds and scratching their balls?’ she asks.
‘No, I imagine they’ll be like the female challenges. The tasks are meant to prove that you can compromise, make sacrifices, be selfless. To be a better half, whether you’re female or not. Do your best, beat the other girls, and you’ll win over the public.’
‘Women.’
‘Sorry?’
‘We’re women, not girls. For God’s sake, have you been living under a rock?’
‘Yes, women, sorry. All well over eighteen.’
‘And what if I don’t win?’ she asks.
‘Look, Amy.’ Sam sighs. ‘You’ve been dumped either way. Stay on the show, you’ve got ten thousand pounds guaranteed. Stay on the show and win, you’ve got a million pounds and you’re on the cover of OK!. But leave now and you’re on your own with nothing. Seriously, what have you got to lose?’
She raises her eyebrows. ‘My dignity?’
‘No one cares about dignity anymore!’ Sam laughs. ‘My God, have you seen Naked Attraction?’
Harry leans forward again, looking concerned. ‘Amy, we have ten minutes before the next contestant arrives. And there is one clause in this contract that I’m obliged to draw your attention to. During the show, you will receive a number of therapy sessions, which will require you to talk openly about your past, your relationships, your life goals. Therapy sessions, as I’m sure you know, are usually highly confidential. By signing this contract, you agree to waive your rights to this. Session highlights will be broadcast. By signing this contract, you understand and accept this condition.’
Amy stares at him for a few seconds before turning to Sam.
‘Sam, how long has Jamie been planning this?’ she asks, her voice a little softer. She feels exhausted.
‘We ran an ad in the back of LAD a couple of months ago. Jamie submitted a form online, gave us your whole backstory, along with some photos, and he was shortlisted for an interview. He came in and told us all about you, your relationship, your family and your personality type. He even showed us some footage of you so we could see what you were like on camera. We thought you’d be perfect on the show.’
‘What footage?’ she says, immediately worried.
‘A video of you doing the running man in a living room.’
Oh, God.
It was after Beck and Adam’s wedding in Guildford last summer. She and Sarah had worked their way through a magnum of champagne and taken their freshers’ week dance routine back to their Airbnb. Her cheeks turn red; Jamie had promised he wouldn’t show anyone.
She hangs her head. ‘Please don’t put that on TV.’
‘You’re endearing, Amy. You’re real. That’s why we chose you. We think the public will feel the same.’
‘I want to call my mum.’ She sniffs. ‘Can I have my phone now?’
Sam and Harry look at each other.
‘We’ve got your phone,’ says Harry. ‘And we can give it to you now, but you need to sign a non-disclosure agreement that you won’t post about the show on social media. You have five minutes to call whoever you want to explain what’s happening to you. And if you decide to stay, you’ll obviously have to leave your phone behind.’
‘I just want to know what she thinks. Wait, what? I won’t have a phone?’
‘’Course not. We can’t let you take phones in there, love. We’re sealing you lot off from the outside world. No social media for a month. Heaven, if you ask me. Think of it as a digital detox. And tell your mum it’s a boot camp for your mental well-being. It’s scary now, but when you leave in a month you’ll look back on this experience and realise how good it’s been for you. It will put you in a much better position to find real love, Amy. To find the man you’re meant to be with.’
‘Well, maybe he doesn’t exist.’ She sighs.
‘He does! You were just choosing to stay with the wrong guy. And from what I’ve read, you were so fixated on getting married that you couldn’t see he wasn’t right for you. Now, you’ve wasted two years of your life – do you really want to waste another two?’
‘I wasn’t fixated on getting married!’ she snaps, as Sam kneels in front of her.
‘Amy, you have two choices. You can take the leap and change the course of your life for the better. Or you can leave and spend the rest of your life dreaming about what could have been. Imagine who you could become if you stay. You have five minutes left to make your decision,’ Sam says as he stands up.
‘You will need to sign one of these documents,’ Sam continues. ‘The first gives us permission to broadcast you and says you’ll stay on the show for as long as you’re a contestant. The second says you don’t give us permission to broadcast you and you’ll leave through the back door, never to hear from us again. We’re going to wait outside the room while you make your calls and consider your choice. Once you’ve decided, call Harry back in and sign the paperwork. And after, I’ll walk you back to the Chat Room where you can press either the Stay or Go button.’
Sam stands up, opens a filing cabinet in the corner and takes Amy’s phone out, as Harry hands her the non-disclosure agreement. She signs it and then they both leave the room.
It’s suddenly silent apart from Amy’s loud breaths. Her chest is tight and her face is burning. She switches on her phone with shaky hands and feels her throat lump growing again.
She goes to Recents and presses Mum. Knowing her, it’ll be on silent.
Please answer, please answer.
The phone rings out to voicemail. She switches to her dad’s number but the same thing happens. She leaves a message.
‘Mum, Dad,’ her voice wobbles. ‘Something’s happened. Don’t worry, no one is hurt. I don’t have long to explain, but Jamie broke up with me. On a TV show.’