I placed the book on my nightstand and turned off the light. I'd had enough reading for one night. Going to sleep sounded more appealing than mulling over my thoughts. Curling up on my side, I was on the verge of dozing off when my cell phone rang and startled me. I reached for my cell and frowned.
"Avery?" I said. She was sniffling into the phone. "What's wrong? Are you crying?"
"I'm just so happy for you. I only want what's best for you, and I feel like you're starting to finally see your worth and what you're capable of. I'm so happy you're my best friend."
I nestled the phone closer to my face and smiled. "You're so corny. I love you."
"I know. I just had to say it. Wherever you end up, it's where you're supposed to be. Even if you are hundreds of miles away from me," she added. I could hear the smile on her face. "I can't wait to see you soon."
We both hung up and I drifted off to sleep, feeling much more optimistic and truly fortunate that I had a friend who’d stuck by me through all the shit I'd been through.
Twenty-Nine
Kova kept to himself as the clouds passed by. His blank stare was reflected in the glass, a look I couldn't recall ever seeing in his eyes. He seemed lost. Usually there was a feeling in his eyes, or an emotion he was trying to hide that I could typically see through.
This time there was nothing. That's what worried me the most, because he was the same exact way when we flew to the training camp a couple of weeks ago.
When we had first arrived at the Olympic training camp, I thought Kova's distance was due to us keeping everything strictly professional. We hardly spoke during then, not that we had time to. It'd been more intense than the last time I was there.
I wanted so badly to reach out and take his hand and just ask what's wrong. He didn't look at me very much, and when I did actually catch his eyes on me, he'd quickly look in the other direction. It bothered me to see him hide his emotions from me when he rarely ever held back before.
I knew it was the last thing I should've been concerned about, but before life had flipped upside down, we were in a really good place. I wanted to go back to that time. To when Kova had picked me up from the training camps and took care of me. I'd been in rough shape, probably having flare ups if I could remember properly. Funny thing, though, the camp I attended this year made Nationals feel like a walk in the park. Located in a secluded area of woods with hardly any cell phone reception, the coaching had been borderline emotionally and physically abusive. Food had been carefully calculated and washed down with laxatives once again. I'd forgotten how much I hated that part with a passion until my stomach had cramped in the middle of training from the pills. We had been weighed every day. I knew nothing about my new teammates except for the injuries they'd hidden and been forced to train on. Not one girl was in working order, each one of us brought something more painful to the table. One gymnast had trained on a foot that had broken bones. Another girl had landed wrong and fractured her back, resulting in an alternate taking her spot. Still, we hadn’t complained as our bodies were manipulated during the day and therapy was applied at night. We were brand new come morning.
Those two weeks were probably the most intense weeks of my life and I hadn’t even realized it at the time. Not only had I trained with a whole new team, but I’d been nervous about my medical file. The tests had come back clean like I knew they would, but I’d started to harbor animosity from the constant interrogation into me regardless. Each time I was interviewed, the anticipation mounted inside of me. I kept thinking the next question would be about Kova.
The doctors couldn't comprehend how I was training like the others who were relatively healthy, let alone hid my illnesses the way I had. Kova had reassured them it was under control. I’d told them I trained like I always had because I didn't know any other way, and Kova added that I actually challenged him as a coach while he was training me to see how far I could go. They’d seemed to like that and told me they could recall only three other athletes with health issues similar to mine who persevered against the odds. That gave me hope. But the two weeks after we arrived until now, was where things really started to shift.
It was crazy to me that I could be sitting right next to Kova yet feel miles and miles apart from him. Even crazier was it happened in the course of a month where we worked so near each other. The change in his demeanor left me confused. He was here, but he wasn't. Detached. He stood in front of me, but I couldn't feel his essence surround me like I usually did. Kova was never rude. On the outside he looked normal, like every other coach here. But when he looked at me and our gazes actually had the chance to meet, Kova appeared depressed for that brief moment. I tried to tell myself that we both were in the zone and he probably didn't even realize it. I had no real reason yet to believe otherwise since we hadn't talked.
My heart could only believe so many lies until it started to weep for the truth.
Reaching for the bag near my feet, I rummaged through and pulled out the notebook I got just for documenting my life once I had made the team. I'd done a little writing here and there, just not as much as I had hoped. Now I had time to kill.
I flipped open the notebook and ruffled some pages. I hoped the sound of the papers would make him curious to see what I was doing. At least initiate a conversation. But it didn't. Kova just stared ahead at the clouds, stuck in his thoughts. The look in his dead eyes made my stomach clench. This would've been the perfect opportunity to push him like he’d once begged me to, if only we weren't on a private plane filled with Olympic officials and athletes.
I wrote for a little while. Mostly things about Kova, and the feelings I was dealing with inside. How I fell for his flaws, my fears of the future and what I was up against. Where we would end up—yes, we. There was no fooling myself—I knew in my heart I would be wherever he was.
Closing the journal, I put it away safely hidden and took out the book Sophia gave me. I didn't want to be lost inside of my head anymore, and lately these words were an escapism for me. They gave me cause and a drive to be a better me.
I read for a little while then started to nod off. Kova still hadn't looked over at me, so I put the book away and shut my bag.
I couldn’t stand another second of seeing his head pressed against the glass any longer. Lifting the divider between us, I pushed it between the seats then pulled my legs up under me to get comfy. Without asking him, I leaned against his arm to rest my head on him.
That got his attention really quick.
Startled, Kova sat up straighter and immediately looked above my head. The tension in his shoulders loosened as he glanced around. I took that as a hint and nestled closer to him. Kova's gaze fell on me. Seconds ago, his eyes were vacant, now they were overflowing with turmoil.
I held my breath hoping he wouldn’t shake his head or push me away. Kova slouched at an angle in his black dress pants and stretched his legs out. His crisp, white long-sleeved shirt that'd been rolled up at the sleeves was wrinkled from sitting in the same position for so long. A few buttons were left undone and the collar bunched around his jaw. Muscular thighs filled out the material of his pants, and I couldn't help but notice his bulge when he shifted again. His length strained against his pants and it left nothing to my imagination. I stared longer, picturing how his cock looked bare and how it looked right then. My cheeks flamed and I clenched my eyes shut. I felt like I'd looked too long.