"He won't care."
"That's what you think."
I thought back to how he acted over her while I was home. Fat chance she was doing anything without him. Xavier could deny all he wanted that he was done with Avery, but after speaking to her and him, they were both so totally head over heels for each other still. It was too bad they were hiding their pain and not dealing with it together.
"You're so crazy."
"And you love me for it."
"True." I smiled to myself as I walked into the bathroom to place my toiletries into a separate bag. "So, I had to see my doctor today before I could board the plane tomorrow."
"And?" she responded quickly, her voice tight. "What's wrong?"
Now it was my turn to laugh. "Nothing is wrong. He did a thorough body check." I paused, swallowing hard for what I was about to say. "He wanted to plan the surgery after the Games—"
"Let's do it!" I frowned, caught off guard by her response. "Tell me when and where and I'm yours."
"I told him I would start dialysis instead."
She groaned under her breath. "You know, if you were in front of me right now, I would shake you. Why did you do that?"
I walked back into my room holding the little Louis bag. "You'd have to take time off from school your freshman year of college. I'm not doing that to you, and he said I could probably get by two more years with dialysis. Maybe even four. I figured if it all goes well, that's what we'd do."
Avery made a sound under her breath. "I don't understand you. I'm willing and ready now. You are well past ready and needed a damn kidney a week ago. What's the hold up? Are you scared your body is going to reject it? Because I'm not. I think it's going to be a success."
I sat on the edge of my bed and slid down until I was on the floor, and pulled up my knees. My lip rolled between my teeth. I picked at the carpet, feeling that gloomy sense of despair swirl around my chest again. I hated when I got down and out like this. It was hard to breathe, hard to focus, hard to just think because of the guilt I was dealing with inside. Avery would have to give up a lot for me. She'd have to alter her life for a while for mine. I really felt like I needed to let my body cool down from all the intense training before jumping straight into surgery. They all seemed to say otherwise.
"I'm not going to take away your first year of college like that. The recovery time is long. Plus," I said, hesitating, "it would have to be well planned and more organized since I won't be here. I don't even know which doctor will be doing it. It's not that easy."
Was I trying to convince her, or me?
"What do you mean you won't be here? Where are you going, and why am I just now hearing about it?"
"You're going to need months off. A summer would be ideal."
"Aid," she said. "What do you mean you won't be here? Where are you going?"
Exhaling a strained breath, I told her about the offers I received from the colleges and broke it down for her. "They couldn’t have come at a better time," I added. I truly believed that.
"Hold the phone. Florida wants you, and you're going to say no? Are you serious? But that's where I'll be going, and we always planned to go to college together." She mock whined. I swear I heard her stomp her foot.
My shoulders slumped forward. "I don't know. I feel like I know, but I don't. I’m really so torn."
"Ugh. You'd rather live with tornados or earthquakes?"
I paused, unblinking, trying to figure out what she was saying when it dawned on me. A small laugh rolled off my lips.
"Well, when you put it like that, neither. Seeing as my gym future is so uncertain, I have to think about where I'd want to go to school if I don't end up doing gymnastics. Where I'd be happy living and possibly one day having a life there. The plan is to have a place on the team, but there's a good chance I won't be able to handle it in the end."
She was quiet. "Yeah," she said softly, agreeing with me. "What about Kova?"
My eyes closed. Her question was a straight shot to my gut. I tried not to think about him when I thought about my offers, but the truth was, I did. He was very much sewn into the layers of my heart. He always would be, and I'd be lying if I said living near him wasn't high on my list.
"You're going to leave him? I find that hard to believe."
"I can't walk away from him."
"Then what will you do?"
I contemplated my answer. I had a feeling that what I wanted to do, was not what I would do.
"How do you walk away from someone you love?" My jaw began to tremble at the thought of leaving that I had to stop talking for a second. "It's impossible."
"What?" Avery yelled, though she'd pulled the phone away. She gasped. "Be right there! Can I call you back in a few, Aid? My dad literally just said my ass is grass, so I have to go run and hide now."
A slow smile curved my lips. "Ave," I said. "What did you do?"
She snickered into the phone, which made me laugh in return. "My brothers were pissing me off. They got what they deserved."
I shook my head. "Which was what?"
"I put that temporary hair dye that's all the rage in their shampoo. Now Connor has electric blue hair, and Michael’s is corn yellow. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, they deserved it."
I covered my mouth. Xavier would straight up murder me if I did that to him. He was all about the hair right now, which was probably why her brothers were too.
"Text me later," I said, then we hung up.
Rising to my feet, I finished packing everything except for a few things I'd add in the morning. It wasn't late, but the flight departed very early, so I figured I'd just go to sleep since I didn't have anything else to do. I was always tired anyway.
Lifting my suitcase off the bed, I spotted the book Sophia gave me. I reached for it. I gazed down with the sudden need to flip through it, wondering if this was a sign too.
I climbed into bed and pulled the blanket over me. I read countless passages about stepping forward into growth and that I was to trust in myself to see my true beauty. How I had to train my mind and heart to be stronger than my emotions or I’d risk losing myself. That I needed to prove myself to me, because I mattered most to me. Then there were the reminders that I'd been given this life because I was strong enough to live it.
Sometimes I didn't feel like I was strong enough to live it.
There were so many motivating pages that I connected with. Who knew words could breathe inspiration into me like this, like maybe I was strong enough to handle anything.
It wasn't until I read the last page of a chapter that it really hit close to home.
When you change within yourself, the world around you will follow suit.
I had to close the book otherwise I would cry. The words rang with too much truth. Somewhere along the way I'd felt the change and had been trying to fight the pull, not accept that it was okay like the book suggested I do. I was a different person, and that meant I would have to let go of who I was comfortable with to find the new me. Accepting this also meant there would be a domino effect of change coming into my life. Was I ready for that?