“Jude…” His voice sounds pained as he squeezes his eyes shut.
“What?”
His hand rests on my chest as though he’s putting a barrier between us. “I don’t want to get carried away, especially when we’ve been drinking. We shouldn’t do anything that could hurt our friendship.”
“Nothing ever could.”
“Crossing lines we aren’t ready for could.”
I nod, finally understanding what I didn’t see before. Briar’s not into me like this. It’s an act for him. A game, as he called it. I need to play my part and then let it go. Wash away the memories of what he feels like in my arms, his mouth on mine, what his eyes look like when I get close.
“Got it.”
“Come on, Jude.”
I look away from his gorgeous face and roll off him. “It’s cool, Bri.”
“Jude…” His voice cracks and pulls my attention back to his face. “Honestly, if you were gay, nothing could stop me. It’s just that you’re not into guys. Not really. Maybe you’re caught up in the fun of this. The novelty of it.” He nods as if trying to convince himself. “But when we get back from the wedding, it’s just us again.”
“Right.”
“I don’t want you to regret anything. We’ve already done…a lot.”
I clench my jaw. “Yeah.”
“Um, I guess I’ll go to my room now.”
“Okay.” I want him to stay. I want to hold him. My heart hurts. What the fuck is happening right now?
Briar slides out of my bed, offering me a melancholy smile. “You good?”
“Totally. Night, Briar.”
“Goodnight, Jude.”
As I close my eyes and try to sleep, I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do about Briar walking away from me.
Am I good? Abso-fucking-lutely not.
Sitting at my station at work, I find myself staring at a blank notebook waiting for inspiration to strike. When my thoughts are muddled, drawing usually helps. But I can’t focus enough. All I can do is think about Briar and what he said last night.
He was quiet over coffee this morning, clearly as deep in thought as I am. The morning closeness, the hugs, and the playful kisses are all gone. I fucked it up, and I have no idea what to do to fix things.
“What’s up, boss?”
I look up, slightly startled to find another human in the shop. Casper is standing in the doorway of my office with raised eyebrows and his hands on his hips.
“What?”
“Why are you here on Sunday?”
“Oh.” I rub my forehead. “How did you know you were bi?”
His eyes widen. “Whoa. Where did that come from?”
I shake my head. “Sorry. That’s probably personal.”
“No, I don’t mind talking about it. It’s just you’ve never asked me anything personal before. What’s going on in your head?”
I think it over for a second. I like to keep a wall between the personal and professional with my team, striking a balance between being friendly but keeping a lot of my life private. But I need advice, and Casper might be the right person to give it to me.
“Do you have time to talk?”
“Yeah.” Casper nods. “Want to go grab a coffee? It’s not really private here if people come in.”
“Please.”
We walk outside and down the sidewalk to our favorite Cuban coffee shop. After getting our drinks, we find a table on the patio in the shade.
Casper sips his coffee. “Do you want me to start? Would that help?”
“I think it would. Yeah.”
“Okay. Growing up, I didn’t question my sexuality at all. I just assumed I was straight because I liked girls. I wanted to kiss them and touch them like all boys my age did.”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Then years later, I was friends with this guy who was…” He shakes his head and chuckles. “He was a force of nature. He was loud and vibrant and took risks. He invited me out with his friends, and we would party and have a good time. It didn’t take me long to see that sometimes his dates were women and sometimes they were men.”
I sip coffee. “‘Okay…”
“Along the way, I started to catch feelings for the guy. Deeper than friendship feelings. We were out one night, and feeling good, and I asked him if he would kiss me. He said sure and he did.”
“And you liked it?”
“I did. I wanted to explore things and just see if there was more than what I knew. That’s when I realized even though I never considered dating a guy, I would often admire a guy’s build or find that I really wanted to be around a certain guy. This was like growing up, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“So, me and my friend, we did shit. He taught me. Then he encouraged me to date a few more guys.”
“Oh. You weren’t boyfriends?”
“No.” Casper shakes his head. “Couldn’t tie a guy like him down.” He sips his drink, but I notice there is sadness in his eyes. “But we were hookup buddies for a year. I dated other guys too. I found it easy and comfortable to focus more on attraction and compatibility rather than gender. About three years in, I accepted I was bisexual.”
“Oh.”
“Now to you. Why are you asking me about my sexuality?”
“It’s Briar and this whole fake fiancé thing.”
Casper nods. “Tell me more.”
“Well, you know we’ve been doing a lot of things to prepare so it will seem authentic.”
“Yeah.”
“We’ve cuddled and hugged a lot. Held hands. Kissed. That kind of shit.”
“Okay.”
“One time it was more than that, and I initiated it.”
“Did you have sex?”
“We, um, did some rubbing.” I must be desperate to disclose all this to him.
He nods. “Got it.”
“Then last night after we got home from the club, he was helping me get undressed and into bed, and I kissed him. I wanted to do a lot more than that. Then I suggested we fuck.” Saying that out loud hits me hard.
“Does it bother you?”
“It’s confusing.” I stare down at my cup. “I’ve never felt things like that for a guy. Actually…” I pause, dealing with the thoughts in my head.
“Take your time.”
Nodding, I exhale. “When we kiss it feels different than other kisses.”
“Different how, Jude?”
“Deeper, I guess. Better.”
“Because you have feelings for him. You’re friends.”
“Yeah, but I think my feelings have shifted from friendship to more than that.”
“Okay. Have you talked to him about it?”
“No. He shut me down last night. I was really drunk.”
“How did he shut you down?”
“He told me the touching and stuff adds realism to our fake relationship, but we needed to be careful not to cross any lines that would hurt our friendship. He called it a game. I think he doesn’t like me the same way I like him.”
A smile pulls at Casper’s lips. “Can I ask a few questions?”