Michael turns in my direction looking like he’s been awake all night. His expression doesn’t change, but his eyes shift to Patrick who simply nods. I want to keep my distance, but Ron and Chelsea are between them, so Jude and I walk over, hands locked together.
“Morning, newlyweds,” I greet. Ron and Chelsea greet us with hugs, and we all take our seats.
As we eat, Jude and I are probably sickening as we make eyes and share bites all morning. My best friend, the greatest guy ever, is in love with me. I’ve never felt so full. The years Michael spent tearing me down left me bereft, believing I didn’t deserve more and couldn’t have more. Then I hit the jackpot with the gorgeous man beside me. When Jude catches me staring, he leans in and kisses my cheek.
“Get ready, baby,” he whispers. “You’re the top today.”
“Fuck.”
After brunch, we say our goodbyes to the happy couple, and Jude and I make our way through the ballroom. As we approach the exit, we’re stopped by Patrick.
“Would you have a few minutes to speak?”
“Me?”
“Please. Jude is welcome. Michael has something to say to you.”
I turn to see a sheepish Michael standing nearby. “I don’t really want to be involved, Patrick. My interaction with Michael last night was plenty. I’m really sorry.”
“Please. It’s the only chance I have of saving this.”
“You’re staying with him?”
A flash of sadness washes over Patrick’s face. “I’m not sure yet, but after talking last night, he told me some things I think might help. You need to hear some of it.”
“He’s over what happened,” Jude interjects. “Digging up the past is shitty.”
Patrick nods. “I respect that, but I do think it would be helpful for all of us.”
“Bri?” Jude says. “I fully support you if you want to talk to him. We talked about closure. Maybe this is what that looks like.”
Exhaling slowly, I nod. “I’m only doing this because you’re asking, Patrick. If he asked, I would leave.”
“Completely fair. Last night I learned I was in love with a person I didn’t completely know. He lied to me about what happened with you. I guess you know that.”
“Yep.”
“I was ready to take my losses and move on, but he… Well, you should hear it for yourself.”
“Why should I believe anything he says? Why should you?”
“Because I believe in love and transformation. I believe that things happen to us sometimes that make us do bad things, and if someone loves us enough to show us something different, to help us see that we can be better, then we can be better. I’ve never had a bad moment with him until last night. I believe he’s a good person underneath the bullshit he’s been hiding behind.”
“And my presence triggered it. Great.”
Patrick smiles through his heartache. “It is great actually. It’s Michael’s chance for transformation, and maybe my chance to save a relationship that means everything to me.” He grips my shoulder as Michael shuffles his feet nearby. “I understand why you wouldn’t want to help, and hell, you don’t even know me, but I really do think it could help you too. I wouldn’t ask you to do this otherwise.”
“You’re a good person, Patrick. I’m not sure Michael deserves you, but only you can decide that. Let’s talk, but Jude is coming too.”
“Thank you.”
Patrick motions for Michael to join us, and he does, his eyes downcast. After a painful minute of waiting, Michael clears his throat.
“First, I’d like to apologize for my behavior last night.” His eyes meet Jude’s. “To you as well.”
Jude nods with a tense expression as Michael continues.
“I don’t expect either of you to accept it, but I’m disappointed in myself. I acted out for reasons I’m willing to expose now if you’ll listen.”
“Because Patrick asked me to. It was big of him to even speak to me, so I’m listening.”
Michael nods. “There are things about my past I never told you, Briar. Things I was too ashamed to tell you. I hadn’t told Patrick either until I was forced to decide if I wanted to lose something special. Again.”
I study his face, finding vulnerability there I’ve never seen. Jude rubs my lower back while Patrick watches with concern on his face.
“Could we sit for a few minutes?” Michael asks.
We move to the small cluster of seats near the bar away from the wedding group. Michael rubs his hands together.
“When I was twenty,” Michael starts. “I fell in love for the first time. That man was my world, and we were together for five years.”
He never told me about this.
“I didn’t know it, but he had some demons he couldn’t push back. We partied a lot, but everyone did at that age. I didn’t notice how self-destructive he was. He, um…” Michael clears his throat to stop the shaking in his voice. I can tell Patrick wants to comfort him, but he resists. “He decided one day that I would be better off without him. I could do more in life if I weren’t held back by him.”
My heart hurts. “Oh no,” I whisper.
“He took his life, and I-I found him in our bathroom.”
“Jesus,” Jude murmurs.
“I didn’t process it well, obviously. I didn’t go to therapy or deal with it at all. I just decided that I couldn’t—” His voice breaks with emotion. “I’m sorry. I need a second.” He puts his hands over his face, taking a few deep breaths before continuing. Sniffling, he nods. “I had decided that my love wasn’t good enough. I believed that love was bad. Sometimes I would become aware of how I hurt people. I would make them fall for me and then do something to make them leave. It was a pattern that felt comfortable to me. It felt like what I deserved because I couldn’t save him.”
“Oh my god.” I look at Jude who gives me a sad look.
“I did that to you, Briar,” Michael continues. “I wanted you to love me so much. You were so good and sweet and kind. You treated me like I was better than I was. I didn’t know how to accept that and work through it in a healthy way. I just kept imagining the day you would leave me because you found out I was dead inside. So, I did bad things to hurt you. I wanted you to know I wasn’t worthy of your love. I’m not worthy of anybody’s love.”
My throat hurts with emotion. “Fuck, Michael.”
“I did it again to Patrick last night. Seeing you in love with someone dug it all up. It made me feel bad and sick and reminded me of the person I was trying to bury. Instead of talking to Patrick or admitting I needed help, I did what I’ve always done and tried to ruin the best thing I’ve found since you left me. I knew Patrick could walk around that corner at any minute and then he too would know what a piece of shit I am.”
“Don’t say that,” Patrick whispers.
“I knew you wouldn’t do it,” Michael goes on. “I knew you were in love with Jude and hated me, and you wouldn’t do it. I guess maybe I just wanted to see if”—he stops and bites his bottom lip—“you would make a scene. If you would tell Patrick and I would be left alone again. Because I deserved that.”