"Don't fret, honey. Sax is my cross to bear, and now that I'm back we're probably going to cross paths. I don't want anyone being uncomfortable with saying his name or talking about him in my presence." I'd already had that same conversation with Raven and Bobbie, and they'd promised to pass it on to the other ladies in the club. "So, how far along do you think you are?"
"Almost three-and-a-half months."
My eyes grew big. "And you haven't told Moody?"
She shook her head. "He's been gone on one of his mysterious jobs," she joked, holding up air quotes. I remember now, she'd already told me that her friend, Emily, was staying with the kids. She and Tommy, the bartender at Moody's bar, Naked Lady, were expecting their first, and Bailey had thought that it would be a good experience for her. "And I'm not going to tell him he's going to be a daddy for the fifth time over the phone."
"I can't believe this is number five," I said in awe. "I guess I'm lucky that I have one." There was a wistful note in my tone. I thanked God every day for giving me Ava. I'd wanted a baby so badly when I'd been with Sax, but he'd been adamant that we not raise any children in the club. It hadn’t mattered to him that his brothers were doing it, and doing it happily.
Bailey reached over and took my hand. "Maybe you and Sax—"
I shook my head before she could finish. "I can't see that happening. The only fighting we ever did was over the subject of having kids. Once he sees Ava that will be all he needs to move on, if he hasn't already."
"Well, then maybe we should work on finding you someone who wants a family."
I returned Bailey's smile. "It's much too soon for that. I'd have to stop loving Sax first, and that's going to take some time." I met the hopefulness in her eyes. "I've loved having you here the last two days, honey. It's been nice catching up."
"It has. Let's do this again soon. Next time you and Ava come to my place. Now that the renovations are done, we have a beautiful, spacious guest room." She and Moody lived in a huge adobe-style house in the desert, but the layout hadn't been conducive to their growing family.
"I'd like that." I sighed heavily. "Do you really have to go in the morning?" I already knew the answer. Of course she did. The woman had four kids and she missed them like crazy.
"Afraid so. Emily has already had to call in reinforcements to help manage." We both laughed. "And you have a welcome home party to go to."
"Yeah." I was looking forward to seeing and catching up with everyone that I hadn't yet had a chance to. Knowing that Sax wouldn't be there had made it an easy decision for me to make. I wasn't sure that I'd ever be ready to face him again.
And if he'd moved on?
I'd have to deal with it.
Chapter 2
Sax
I was ready to return home. I'd been away from my club for far too long. Missed my brothers, missed what was happening. Keeping in touch hadn't been on my agenda when I'd gone nomad. I hadn't wanted to know what was going on, and I sure as hell hadn't wanted any news about Holly. Demon had known that I'd needed to distance myself from shit until I could figure out what the fuck had gone wrong in my life.
And why the woman I loved had torn out my fucking heart.
I still couldn't get her last words to me out of my head. They haunted me even in my sleep. How easily she'd broken it off with me, and then just left. For a long time, I'd blamed what had happened to her, the incident still too raw and fresh on her mind for her to deal with anything else in her life. That she hadn't been able to cope. I'd given her time, been understanding when she'd asked me to move into the guest room. But fuck if it hadn't hurt when she pushed me away.
I'd thought we were stronger than that. The fuckers who'd kidnapped our women and assaulted Holly were dead, but I knew that there was something else that had happened to her, something she'd kept from me that had eventually worn her down. I'd probably never know what that something was. Once she'd taken off for parts unknown it had hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. We were really done. She was gone, and no one knew if she was coming back.
We. Were. Done.
Christ, accepting that hurt like a bitch. I’d spent the last few months just roaming the country, sleeping beneath the stars. Keeping to the back roads to suck in the undeveloped countryside. The kind of peace and quiet where a man could reflect on shit. After a while though, the peace and quiet had become too fucking much, and I'd started hitting the bars. Not looking for companionship, just the familiar sounds of bottles clinking and inaudible conversations that filled the room with so much noise that you couldn't think.
The women who approached me were immediately shot down. I wasn't interested in strange pussy. Holly was the only woman I wanted beneath me. That was made glaringly obvious when a striper at one of the bars that I'd stopped in invited me into the alley in the back of the bar for a quick fuck. I'd blamed my inability to get it up on too much fucking alcohol. Not even her painted mouth had been able to get a rise out of me. Every time I'd looked down at her and seen a face other than Holly’s, it had killed my libido.
The bartender was welcomed, though, and he kept my fucking glass filled. Usually a beer man, somewhere along the way I'd switched to tequila. I drank as much as I could and still handle my bike, and then I'd go find a tree to sleep it off under. Come morning, I'd wake up stiff and sore and with a hangover that lingered all damned day. Still, I'd move on, determined to outride my demons, and the woman's face that haunted me day and night.
During the months that I was on the road I'd had to work my way through a gamut of emotions ranging from hurt and loss to anger, and then, finally, hate. I berated myself for my fucking weakness. I was a one percenter, for Christ's sake, a member of the Desert Rebels; letting my emotions play with me wasn't something I'd ever done before. My brothers and I were strong, fierce warriors, and we ruled our MC that way. I thanked fuck that they weren't around to see me break over a woman.
Over Holly.
My woman.
We'd had a good run, and I sure as shit had never seen the end coming. Hell, we’d only ever fought over the subject of having kids. She couldn't understand why I didn't want any, and, looking back now, I could see where my reasoning had been weak. A lot of my brothers had families. The kids in the club were happy and well-protected. Maybe if I'd been able to tell Holly the truth about what lay behind my decision she would have accepted it better.
Jesus, I should have told her the truth.
Would it have made a difference? I wondered. She hadn't left because I didn't want kids, she'd gone because of what happened to her after she had been abducted. Had she thought that I'd blamed her in some way? Looked at her differently? Had I treated her differently? Fuck. I had. But not for the reasons she probably thought. I was giving her time, time I thought any woman would need after being violated. No man wanted to think of another man touching his woman, and knowing what she'd suffered had fucking destroyed me, but I'd never thought that any of it was her fault.
I'd blamed myself for not keeping her safe, for not protecting her.