Duncan’s face scrunched up. His eyes were still gentle.
‘Leo—’
‘I’m going to go now. Again, I am so sorry about this.’
I left in a rush. I felt like shit.
As I left his flat, I was surrounded by other drunk, drugged up Londoners all around me. All laughing, all still having fun, while I felt like a poor excuse of a human being. The roads were wet; the wind was cooling my skin, still damp and raw. My eyes were burning, and all I wanted was to disappear. I put my hands in my jacket pocket and found the cash Stefan had put in there, all scrunched up, like I was some sort of gross vending machine.
Duncan should have just left me there.
He deserved better.
What the fuck was I becoming?
CHAPTER 20
£2165.90
It had been a few days into the new year, and so far I wasn’t particularly impressed. It rained every single day, and I refrained from speaking to any of my friends. I still felt like a joke of a human being, and all I wanted to do was to be by myself. I was sitting at the gate of my flight to Prague, tired and restless. I didn’t want to go. I was over this charade of me pretending to control men for my gain. I was the puppet, the one being controlled, the one being used. They had nothing to lose. They just wanted to have a little fun, pay for it and toss me aside.
I was one of the last people in the queue to get onto the plane. I wasn’t feeling very festive; I wasn’t feeling very whore-y either. I had my passport in my hand, and I wanted to shred it to pieces. I could have just left and gone home. I could change my telephone number and forget about all these people that would book me, like I was an object.
Instead I queued.
I presented my boarding pass.
I showed my passport.
I said thank you.
I walked towards the entrance of the plane. I said hi to the flight crew. They were all smiling, showing teeth. They were trained in pretending genuine joy. I wished I knew how to do that. I worked in customer service and couldn’t fake it the way they did.
I walked all the way until the end of the aisle. I was seated at the very back end of the plane. No one was sitting next to me. I sat by the window and looked at the wet tarmac, watching the drops falling onto the glass, right next to my face. I was tired. I wanted to sleep, but I knew I couldn’t sleep on a plane. I physically couldn’t.
We were about to depart. The crew members were doing their thing.
I took my phone out to put it on airplane mode, and there were multiple texts from Sara. I thought she wanted to check up on me, but it seemed a lot more serious.
She’d never ask me to ‘call her.’ She hated speaking on the phone. And yet, I had three missed calls, all from a few minutes earlier.
I called her back. I was worried. She said it was an emergency.
What the fuck?
It rang for a few seconds.
‘Hey,’ I said.
‘Leo, where the fuck have you been?!’ she shouted. Her breath sounded shallow. Her voice was raised as if she was distressed, or panicking.
‘I had my phone on silent. What’s going on?’
She was sobbing, loudly.
‘Sara, what’s happening?’
‘My dad!’ she paused, she sobbed. ‘He had a heart attack. I’m at the hospital. My sister isn’t here yet. Alfie is at work. I am so fucking scared!’
‘Oh my god.’ I was speechless.
Then a flight attendant came over.
‘I am sorry sir, but you really ought to turn your phone off now.’
‘Where are you?’ she asked, still sounding confused and upset.
‘I am sorry, I have to go now, but I will call you super soon.’ I turned my phone off.
What the hell was I doing?
My best friend needed me, and I completely checked out. I was going on a fucking holiday.
Fuck.
I was an arsehole.
The plane started its departure, and I had never felt worse.
The journey wasn’t particularly long, although I had managed to drink a few small bottles of wine and write a few thoughts down on paper. Once I arrived at the destination, I turned my phone on. There were no messages from Sara. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to call her, but I wouldn’t have known what to say. I couldn’t be there for her, physically. I wished she called me earlier. I wouldn’t have boarded the flight. I wished I never started travelling for those men. I wished I didn’t need that money. Just as I was about to call Sara, my phone battery died. A sign, I thought. Maybe I would have upset her even more.
I looked around the airport for Jimmy, but he wasn’t there. I started getting nervous, as I couldn’t use my phone to contact him.
I looked around some more, and then I finally saw a man in a suit holding a sign with my name.
Thank fuck. He had sent a car to pick me up.
So far, I hadn’t loved anything about that day. The air felt cold on my face. My jaw was clenched. I wasn’t wearing gloves or a beanie. My jacket wasn’t even thick enough for that weather. I immediately jumped into the backseat of the car and enjoyed whatever song was playing on the radio. I was only going to be there for two-and-a-half days. I was doing this for Sara. I was doing it to make her day special.
The trip to the Airbnb was under twenty minutes. I got out of the car with my weekender bag and looked around. All the buildings were a shade of grey and beige. They all looked the same, with imposing main gates. I vaguely remembered the flat was number six. Luckily the main door was already open, so I just made my way upstairs. The staircase smelled of tomato sauce and garlic. It was pungent. I could smell basil too. Someone was getting ready for some delicious lunch. I knocked on the door and waited a minute. I was worried they had gone out. Maybe they texted me, but I was never able to see it. I knocked again, then heard a noise inside. Someone was definitely there.
The door was opened by a tall, lanky fella. Dark skin, curly hair, buzzed around the sides, bushy eyebrows and big brown eyes.
‘Hi, you must be Leo?’ he asked. His accent was English, southern maybe.
‘Yes, hi. You must be Jimmy’s friend?’
‘Yeah, I’m Eddie. Come in!’
I walked in, and the flat was huge. Spacious living room with marble tiles, a rustic, wooden kitchen and a large sofa. I placed my bag on it.
‘Is Jimmy here?’ I asked, looking around.
‘I’m here, I’m here,’ he said, while coming out of the bathroom. ‘So good to see you, Leo.’ He went for a kiss on the cheek.
‘Is that all?’ Eddie asked. ‘Thought I’d see more passion!’
‘Maybe later,’ Jimmy said.
Weird thing to say, but I wasn’t really in the mood for much anyway.
‘Shall we have a drink before we go out and explore the city?’ Eddie proposed.
‘I’d love one,’ I said. ‘Also, if I could find a plug to charge my phone?’
‘Yeah, absolutely. There’s one right next to the sofa,’ said Jimmy.
‘What would you like to drink, Leo? We have beer, cider, wine, and a bottle of scotch,’ Eddie said while scouting the inside of the massive grey fridge.
‘Scotch is fine.’
‘Oh, a scotch man. That’s sexy,’ he said, while taking the bottle out and pouring it into glasses.