I walked out and got into the accessible toilet. The only one which could be locked. I washed my face with cold water and looked at myself in the mirror. I was incredibly drunk, and I wasn’t too sure I was having fun. I kept thinking about poor Sven at the hospital. I should have been there. My hands and legs were shaking at the thought he could die from a heart attack. I wouldn’t have been able to ever forgive myself.
I dried my face with a paper towel and walked back to the guys. I was feeling a bit dizzy from the heat and the darkness, but I found them eventually. Jimmy was sucking Eddie off. I guess he trusted him more than I did.
‘Welcome back!’ Eddie said. ‘Want to put your mouth on it too? Please?’
I didn’t really want to, so I just pushed Jimmy’s head harder, while I bit Eddie’s bottom lip.
They were surrounded by two other guys pleasuring themselves watching us. That’s when Jimmy stopped with Eddie and started sucking one of those guys, while the other was preparing Jimmy’s arse to get fucked once again.
I watched them while Eddie was jerking me off and licking my neck.
All of a sudden Jimmy was being fucked raw and the other guy was about to cum into his mouth.
Jimmy didn’t know these people. He just gave them his arse. Just like that. How many guys would get to dump their semen into him?
I felt sick to my stomach.
‘I’m heading out,’ I said to Jimmy.
I put my clothes back on and left the room. I had made it to the cloakroom, and I was being handed my jacket when Jimmy ran to me.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked.
‘I just had enough. I need to leave.’
‘Okay, I’ll go with you.’
‘What about Eddie?’
‘Oh, he’s going to stay here for a while.’
‘Cool,’ I said, while making my way to the exit.
The outside freezing air slapping my skin was the perfect sobering method I needed. My blood was rushing through my veins. I was shaking with rage. Part of me couldn’t find words.
How could I have been so fucking stupid? How could I have dropped the ball so damn hard?
Fuck that evening.
‘Are you sure everything is alright?’ Jimmy asked, while trying to catch up with my fast pace.
I couldn’t look at him. But I needed to ask.
‘Is this something you do often?’
‘What?’
‘Getting fucked bare by whomever.’
‘No, of course not.’
I started raising my voice. I could barely control myself.
‘So, was today a special occasion? You’re meaning to tell me that between our meetings, you swear you wear a condom with everyone?’
‘Well…’
I suddenly stopped. I still couldn’t look at him.
‘How can you be so sure you’re clean, if this is what you do?’
‘Okay, I didn’t know how to tell you…’
‘Tell me what, Jimmy?’
Anxiety was taking over my whole body. All of a sudden, my heartbeat was screaming into my ears. I was terrified. I didn’t want him to tell me.
‘I am HIV positive.’
‘You are what?’
Tears started streaming down my cheeks. I couldn’t breathe.
‘I am sorry I didn’t say anything.’
‘You fucking piece of shit!’ I shouted.
‘Wait, wait. Let me explain, please.’
‘I asked you.’ My voice was loud, but stern. I looked at him straight into his pitiful eyes. ‘I asked you, point blank. I asked you if you were clean, and what did you say to me?’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You fucking said yes. Between the three times we saw each other we had unprotected sex over thirty times. You didn’t think you maybe needed to tell me after Paris? You could have said, ‘Sorry I couldn’t tell you before, but please go to a clinic and get PEP.’ But no. You lied straight to my face and told me you were clean.’
‘Look, it’s not how you think. I am on medication.’
I started walking again towards the flat.
‘Do you know how stupid I feel now? Trusting you? I’m a fucking idiot! Is this your thing? You pay guys to convert them so that you don’t feel so alone?’
‘No.’
‘Then what is it, Jimmy?’
‘I’m undetectable; I take my medication every day.’
‘And I am supposed to trust you on that because…?’
‘It would be stupid for me not to do it. I’d feel ill.’
‘How do I know you’re not lying to me right now? Is Eddie’s status disclosed, or should I have this conversation with him as well?’
‘He is also positive.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I put my hands on my head. Everything was so confusing. I felt dizzy, lost and furious. I wanted to scream, cry, punch someone in the face. I turned around and put my hand around his neck. I had learnt how to press hard, having experience with all these dickheads in my life.
‘Leo, stop.’
‘You allowed your fucking moron of a friend to fuck me and you didn’t think of warning me?’
‘I was really drunk; I wasn’t sure what was happening. We were having fun!’
I pushed him. I pushed him hard enough to make him fall on his arse.
‘You have ruined my life. And what really fucking sucks, is that I have no one to blame but myself.’
‘Leo, look. People with HIV live a normal life. It’s far safer for you to have unprotected sex with someone on medication than it is for you to have sex with someone who’s unsure on their status.’
‘I can’t believe what I’m hearing.’
Jimmy got back up. I wanted to spit on his face, but I knew he’d probably enjoy it.
‘My best friend’s father is at the hospital fighting for his life and I couldn’t be there for her. I came on this fucking trip thinking the money I’d get to spend to have fun with her would make it all better. I fucked up so badly.’
I started crying. My emotions were taking over; the alcohol was leaving my body and all I could feel was sadness and anger.
‘I really want you to document yourself, Leo. I am serious.’
My whole face hardened. I was grinding my teeth.
‘Honestly, we can talk at home; I can tell you my experience. I also reacted badly when I first found out. It’s normal, but in some ways, I get to live better now, because I know I already have it. It’s almost liberating.’
I couldn’t hold it anymore. I punched him as hard as I could in his stupid whiny face. He fell, once again.
I had never hit anyone. My fist was in incredible pain. I clutched my hand under my armpit. It hurt so much. My whole body was shaking, and I could barely speak.
‘Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to give me my money, and you’re going to book me on the next flight to London. Book a fucking car, so I can leave right away and wait at the airport until it’s time for me to fucking leave.’
‘I can do that.’
‘Then I’ll get tested, and I swear to god, if you gave me HIV, I’ll take your stupid fucking face to court and get your arse served.’
‘Okay, but really,’ he tapped his lip with his shirt, to dab the blood. ‘I am pretty confident you will be fine.’