Then I knew. ‘We have reason to believe…’ echoed through my ears. I wasn’t sure who was talking. I wasn’t sure how long I was there for.
A customer had seen me going inside a fitting room and leaving with a suit on.
A customer.
I thought I had hit my all-time low but being blasted for shop lifting was rock-bottom. Again, something that was completely my fault.
It had to be Marc.
Marc was the fucking snake who meddled in crap that didn’t concern him.
Of course.
It wasn’t enough to take my husband, my flat, my dog, my best friend and even the guy I thought I could be with. He had to take my job away too.
I was escorted outside the building by security. The same guy I had looked straight in the face and lied to. I was suspended for a month.
I was going to miss Dominic’s last day at work, and I’d have all the time in the world to revel in my own fucked up mistakes at home. Alone.
As soon as I stepped outside, I got caught in the worst rainstorm I had ever experienced. Typical.
I grabbed two bottles of bourbon on my way home. That’s all I could do. I deleted all hook-up apps from my phone, all social media. I had no friends. I just wanted to get in bed and sleep all day.
That’s exactly what I ended up doing for the following two days.
I was wrapped in my duvet, lying on my side, staring at the wall in my room. I heard a knock. Andrew walked in.
‘Hey,’ he said in a worried voice. ‘I came as soon as possible. How are you?’
I couldn’t respond. My eyes were just an unstoppable flow of tears. I didn’t have the strength to get up, eat, shower or anything at all. I just wanted to be left alone, with my thoughts. I longed for my pills, the ones that would put me to sleep. I didn’t want to see Doctor Grey, though. I’d have to admit how much I had fucked up. She’d judge me. Everyone judged me.
Andrew knelt next to me and caressed my hair, most likely greasy and disgusting.
‘I heard about work, and Sara,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I messed up so badly, Andrew.’
‘It’s okay. I’m here.’
‘…for now.’
‘For as long as it’s needed. I’ll go get some food.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘Well, make yourself hungry, because you’re eating soon.’
‘Don’t bother.’
‘I’m serious, Leo.’
‘Don’t bother with me. I’ll just go to sleep,’ I said, while putting the duvet over my head.
Eventually, I managed to get up. I had to wait for Jake to come over. He’d bring Squall for me to look after, while he’d fuck off to Japan with Satan’s spawn himself. One more thing he had taken from me. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about Japan. I didn’t care about Marc opening his big whore mouth and making me lose my job.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted Squall with me. He was an energetic dog, and that meant taking him outside for walks. I hadn’t been outside in days. I hadn’t been in contact with anyone in days.
I was glad I had deleted all social media. I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle seeing Jake going to all the places I had imagined seeing with him or seeing how Sara’s posse would be having the greatest time at her hen do.
Squall knew I was depressed. He only required a short walk per day. He didn’t hold that against me. I was grateful. I could tell he understood. As soon as I’d start crying, he’d try to get me up. He’d lick me; he’d give me small bites.
I talked to him sometimes. I told him what a great friend he had been to me. I told him it wasn’t his fault things between Jake and I didn’t work. I told him I never intended to abandon him. I ran my hand through his thick fur and gave him cuddles.
I grabbed my laptop. I needed to look for a new job. There was no way I’d be able to go back to my old one. Once the suspension would be over, I’d be sacked, and I’d be sitting on the pavement, begging for attention and pennies.
It’s what I’d do best, clearly.
I opened a few websites. I had no strength. I couldn’t write a convincing cover letter. I couldn’t convince anyone to give me a chance. I looked a wreck and felt even worse. Imagine that at a job interview.
Instead I opened Word. I needed to channel the darkness I was feeling inside. And words started writing themselves.
Once upon a time, there was a village where all its inhabitants lived happily and in harmony with each other. The villagers worked together and would sing happy songs all day, every day. No one would ever cry, because their hearts were stored safely inside them, and there was no way anyone could get their hands on them.
But there was one boy living at the edge of the village. His heart was not inside him. He’d have to hold it with his hands, exposing it to the outside elements. The boy was not like the other villagers. He wouldn’t sing happy songs or become friends with the others. The boy had two entities inside him that would fight constantly to take control of his heart. One entity was called Blue, and if it took over the boy’s heart, he’d be sad all the time. The other entity was called Red, and if it took over the boy’s heart, he’d get to have energy all the time, but he’d be completely uncontrollable. The boy would stay indoors, as he didn’t want the other villagers to notice he wasn’t like them. He didn’t want Blue or Red to control him. He just wanted to have his heart inside him, like everyone else.
So, he embarked on a quest to meet a wizard who could help him make Red and Blue work together, so he too could be as happy as the rest of the villagers.
The wizard, however, wouldn’t be cheap, and he required a payment. The little boy didn’t have any gold coins on him.
‘What can I do?’ he asked, desperately.
The wizard pointed him to the next village over, where people didn’t have hearts, but they each owned plenty of gold.
So the little boy walked and walked, with his heart in his hands, fighting Blue’s urge to go back and stay in bed, and Red’s voice who’d tell him to run and steal all the gold from the villagers.
After an arduous walk, the boy found himself in the village, but he noticed that no one was as happy as the villagers he knew growing up. They looked malicious.
One of them came over to the boy and offered him gold for a small piece of his heart.
The boy agreed and received a few coins for a piece of his heart. More and more evil villagers found out about the heart and took pieces for themselves and filled the boy’s pockets with gold.
‘Brilliant!’ Red thought. ‘We will be rich, and we will be kings of our village!’
Blue’s voice was faint, as it suffered greatly from the boy’s heart being taken piece by piece.
The boy was weaker, but he didn’t realise because Red’s voice urged him to continue. Red’s voice would tell him this was the right thing to do. It told the boy he didn’t need to rest, he needed to keep walking and find more gold. The boy started becoming Red, and he was filled with energy. He could even run, run as fast as possible. He wanted to go to the next village over to see if there was more gold to be had, even though the boy had enough to get back to the wizard and finally be able to have his heart inside, like everyone else.