But one day the boy found himself in a forest just outside the village. Alone once more, with little to no heart left to give. Blue was able to speak again, in the quietness of the woods. ‘You need to go back and rest. No one wants that little heart you have left. Let’s go back to bed.’
The boy started becoming Blue, as he had no more strength to go on, or to go back to the wizard. So, he sat under a tree and started crying. Nothing could console him, and Red’s voice became fainter and fainter.
I never pictured myself as a writer of a children’s book. There was no way I could relive the filthy and disgusting acts I had to do in the previous months. I felt like the little boy. I was sitting under the tree by myself, crying, with nowhere to go. Squall was sitting next to me on the sofa. His head was close to me. I could feel his warmth. I wondered how Sara was. I wondered if her dad started feeling better. I wondered if we’d ever be friends again.
I wondered if she’d go on her trip in Ibiza and have an amazing time without me.
Of course, she would. I wondered how better her life had become without me to constantly worry about. The tiny fragment of heart I had left within me was in pain.
As cheesy as that sounded.
I eventually ran out of booze, so I had to go to the nearest off-licence to stock up. I left Squall at home with Andrew. He had a day off. In a different reality and timeline, he would have taken me to the airport to have an incredible time with Sara and the others. Instead, I was carrying two bottles of wine in a paper bag, about to grab my keys and open the front door, when a voice got my attention.
‘Hey.’
I turned around as fast as I could. She was standing next to a car with the engine still on.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked.
‘Get in the car,’ Sara said, coldly.
I couldn’t quite figure out what was happening.
I obliged. I got into the car without asking any questions.
Maybe she wanted to kill me. Hopefully.
CHAPTER 23
£3013.29
‘How’s your dad?’ I asked.
She hesitated to answer, as if we were no longer used to speaking to each other.
‘He is better. He’s still recovering, but he got to go home. So we all look after him now.’
‘Oh, that’s amazing.’
‘Yeah.’
The silence that followed felt like it lasted forever. I couldn’t recognise where we were going. The driver was quiet as well. It was the middle of the afternoon and raindrops started hitting the windshield. No music was playing; all I could hear was my own heartbeat going crazy and my own breathing, which felt shallow. I hadn’t drunk enough that day, and I was wishing I did. I wasn’t ready for a round two with Sara. Mostly because that whole time we didn’t speak, all I felt was guilt. I wasn’t angry at her. I never was.
Maybe we were going to the airport.
I wasn’t in the mood for a party or showered enough.
‘Where are we going?’ I asked, all of a sudden.
‘We are nearly there,’ she said, with a small, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it hint of a smile.
We parked by a building I had never been to before. It sort of looked like a school, but there were no children screaming or having fun.
We got out of the car and the driver went his way.
‘I’m confused,’ I said. ‘Am I seeing people? Because I look disgusting.’
‘You’ll be fine, come with me.’
I followed her inside the building. It felt like there was no one inside. I felt like a video game character thrown into a haunted place. Sara knew where she was going; her pace was quick, while I could barely keep up. We got into a classroom of sorts. People were sitting in a circle. They were already talking to each other but stopped as soon as they saw us.
‘Hi!’ Sara said.
‘Did you take me to the AA?!’ I asked.
‘No, you stupid. But along those lines.’
She grabbed a seat and invited me to do the same next to her.
‘Welcome!’ A big, bald, black guy with a folder in his hand smiled at us.
He looked like he was running the thing.
People around us of all ages were staring at us. My whole body was shaking. I was not one to do well in group situations.
‘My name is Robert. Nice for you to join us,’ he said while looking at Sara. ‘Would you like to introduce yourselves?’
‘Sure.’ She stood up. ‘My name is Sara, and this is Leo.’
‘Hello to you. We have already spoken via e-mail but allow me to explain what we do. All the people around you suffer from mental illness or are close to someone that does. It’s a safe space. We speak to each other and get to discuss ways of making our lives better, by getting to know everyone’s everyday realities.’
I gave Sara a terrorised face.
‘You are not under any obligation to share anything. You’re more than free to sit and listen or leave whenever you please. But we are here for you.’
‘I’d like to share something,’ Sara said, while raising her hand.
What was she up to?
‘Sure, go ahead,’ Robert said, with a big smile on his face.
The room was cold, badly heated. It smelled of school. Really took me back. People around us looked normal. I wondered what their lives were like, if any of them felt like me. I wondered if they’d run away if they knew what I had done.
‘I don’t struggle with mental health, but I often have difficulty dealing with someone who I love very much. They suffer from bipolar and they often break down because of it.’
She looked at me every once in a while, with glossy eyes.
‘I got engaged a few months ago and, while I thought this was great news for me, I got so wrapped up in my own drama, that I didn’t notice my best friend was sinking more and more. I had noticed different behaviours—they were drinking more, and they weren’t in contact with me much. I was so busy with finding the right dress, the venue and organising stupidly expensive parties that I didn’t notice them being in a crisis. Then my father had health issues, and instead of welcoming their comfort and a shoulder to cry on, I got angry at them. I lashed out and said things I didn’t mean. Truth is, I can’t live without my best friend, and to see their light dim right before my eyes is extremely painful. Because when they hurt, I hurt too.’
I could barely see her through my tears…I couldn’t control them.
‘They’re my best man, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. And I’d like to apologise for what has happened. I will do whatever I can to make sure they’re okay and happy again. I was just scared and so worried about myself, I couldn’t see them. But I do now. And I’m sorry.’
I smiled at her, while tears were falling down my face.
‘Thank you, Sara. I’m sure they’ll appreciate that.’
Sara wiped her own tears. She was shaking. She was a good public speaker, but I had never seen her be so fragile.
I took a deep breath. I looked around the room and took courage. I needed to do this.
‘I’d like to go next,’ I said, timidly. ‘If that’s okay.’
‘Of course,’ he said.
‘I haven’t had the greatest year. My marriage came to an end, and I had to move out of the flat where we had lived together for years. I left a dog I absolutely adored and a job that was comfortable. I started working for a job I despised with all my heart and moved in with a friend. Then my best friend gave me some wonderful news. She was going to get married to the love of her life, and I couldn’t be happy for her. All I could think of was how she was about to start this life without me, and something clicked in my head. I had to make sure we would have as much fun as possible at every event leading up to the wedding. Because after that, things would change. I knew I couldn’t afford to go around the globe with her, so I realised I needed more money.’