‘I can do that.’
I wrote my notes down, and then a text message came in.
‘It’s the clinic,’ I said. My hands were shaking.
‘Okay. Do you want me to read it for you?’ she asked.
‘Yes, please.’
‘Fine.’
I gave her my phone. I was on the verge of crying.
‘Just remember we will tackle whatever this is,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t matter what this text says.’
‘Okay.’
She looked down at the text. I felt like time had stopped. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I’d pass out, right in front of her.
She gave me the phone back.
‘Look at it yourself,’ she said with the biggest smile.
I sighed in relief. Even without looking at it.
CHAPTER 24
£2977.25
The boy cried and cried and cried. He sobbed all night. All he could see was Blue, everything was blue. The trees, the grass, the dirt. He thought he was completely alone. Then he heard a voice. It was a little girl. She shone bright. She didn’t look blue. She was golden.
‘Why are you crying?’ she asked, with a big bright smile.
‘I am lost and sad,’ he responded.
She sat next to him, with her bright light keeping him warm.
‘Why are you shining so bright?’ he asked.
She didn’t know what to say. Where she came from, everyone would shine bright. She was born that way.
‘Your heart must be safe inside you,’ he said. ‘I only have a tiny piece left.’
‘Let me keep it safe for you,’ she offered. ‘I will take good care of it.’
The boy trusted her with the remainder of his heart. She held it tight and kept it safe for him.
‘Let’s find your home!’ she said, holding the boy’s hand.
Her light lit up a path, and after walking and walking, they finally reached the wizard’s house.
‘I gathered enough gold now,’ the boy said.
The wizard looked at him carefully.
‘Where’s your heart?’ he asked.
‘It’s here,’ the little girl said, while pulling out a big, whole, bright heart.
‘That’s not my heart,’ the boy said.
‘I gave you part of mine, so you wouldn’t be sad anymore. We can keep it safe together!’
The boy didn’t know what to say and hugged the little girl.
Her light made him light up as well. He was now shining bright just like she was, with a whole heart inside him.
‘You found the gold, little boy.’
The boy and the girl were shining bright, like pure gold. A light so intense, the boy could no longer hear Blue or Red.
‘I don’t understand. I thought this was the gold,’ he said, showing the gold coins he had earned during his journey.
‘That’s not gold!’ he said. ‘Nothing is worth more than a pure friendship. That’s the real gold. Now shine bright, my child!’
The boy took the little girl’s hand and together they reached the boy’s village. Everyone was happy to see the boy. Finally, he was happy like the rest of them!
‘Please stay in my village,’ said the little boy.
‘I have to share my light with other children like you. They also need help,’ she said. ‘But I will always be part of you, part of your heart.’
The boy smiled and bid farewell to the little girl.
His light shone the brightest in the village, and from that moment on, his heart would be kept safe. The golden girl’s heart was the most precious thing the boy could have, and for the first time, he never felt richer.
I threw the words together, like they just flowed out of me onto the keyboard. I had never thought I’d write a children’s story, especially considering how disgusting my behaviour had been. But I wanted to do something good. I wanted to shed light on what living with bipolar meant. I’d often be subjected to Blue or Red. Neither one of them did me good. But my friends were the ones who made it all better.
‘It’s nice you’re pouring yourself into some writing,’ Doctor Grey said.
‘I’ve messed up so much,’ I said, while placing my shaking hands under my legs.
‘It happens. We’ll start you on the medication again. Just be mindful it will take some time for it to work.’
‘It’s fine. I just want to get better.’
‘You sound better already,’ she said. ‘People underestimate what a network of trusted people can do to their health.’
‘I also forgot that.’
‘Leo, you’re always going to live with this condition. There will be times where you feel invincible and times you feel like life is not worth pursuing. Try to chase the real things that make you happy. Your friends, your writing, even the guy you seem to have a crush on. It’s all things that help you feel good.’
She was right. Only a few days before I was done. I was standing at a train station, looking at the trains going past. I only needed to take one step, and it would be all over. I only needed an extra glass of wine, and maybe I would have stopped being scared of jumping. Just like when I was inside the bathtub, underwater, playing with the idea to never come up for air.
My chase for easy money was stupid. I was not for rent.
I could shine bright. My heart was being kept safe now.
It was a mild evening. I was wearing a cosy hoodie, and I was walking Squall. He’d pull me forward and make me walk faster. He was probably excited to go home and see his other daddy. The trees around my old road were bare. How I loved them in autumn, with all their colourful leaves all over the lane. I’d sit on the sofa, next to Squall. He’d fall asleep on my lap, and I’d stare at the outside trees, changing with the seasons. That felt like an entirely different life. I knocked on Jake’s door.
‘I will miss you, my boy,’ I said, while looking at a sitting, panting Squall.
Jake opened the door, slightly flustered. His hair was untidy, greasy.
‘Is this a bad time?’
‘No, sorry. I lost track of time. Come in,’ he said.
The flat looked different once again. Gone were the Indian photographs, the cushions and the dreamcatchers.
‘What happened here?’ I asked, confused.
‘I’m just getting rid of stuff.’
His stubble was longer than usual. The flat was a mess. There was something he was hiding.
‘How was your trip?’ I asked.
‘I actually didn’t stay the whole time. I flew earlier.’
‘What? Why?’
He poured dog food in Squall’s bowl and gave him a cuddle.
‘Marc and I broke up,’ he said in a cold tone.
I wanted to burst into a laugh, but I decided it wouldn’t have been appropriate.
‘Oh no, I’m so sorry!’ I tried to say it in the sincerest way possible, but probably failed.
‘Oh, save it, Leo. It’s all good,’ he said, heading to sit on the sofa.
‘I mean, I am sorry. What happened?’
‘It wasn’t right. He is a very selfish person and can only think about himself.’
‘You just realised that?’