I lean forward and grip the table. Drew pushes my chair back, but I don’t sit. My chest burns and my heart rate kicks into overdrive. “My drinking is under control.”
Brandon shakes his head, a look of pity etched across his stupid, smug face. “You think you do, but you don’t. Everyone around you agrees, right Drew?”
I look at him but his eyes are downcast, not making contact with anyone. “I just want what’s best for Levi.”
“So you’re in on this too? Wow, Drew, real cool, man.” I run my hands through my hair and down over my scruffy face. These past few weeks have been hell since the fight.
But I still dragged my ass to every practice, every party, and every gig. Yeah, I may have sat in the corner drinking myself into a pathetic stupor, but I was there. I made effort to go, don’t they see that?
Classes are another story, but I figure as long as I pass, I’m good.
Apparently, everyone else around me doesn’t seem to agree, which only infuriates me more. They don’t give me any credit.
“Don’t pin this on Drew,” Brandon scolds, his tone sharp. “This is your doing, Levi. No one else’s. The offer is what it is. Rehab or quit the band.”
The ultimatum bounces around my head, yet I can’t process it. What in the actual fuck?
Rehab or the band?
I don’t need rehab.
Yeah, maybe some help. Maybe less drinking. But rehab? Thirty days away?
Fuck. That. Noise.
I need to get the fuck out of here. Now.
“Well, then I quit. Peace the fuck out.” I leave, making sure the door slams shut behind me.
Hours later, I stumble home after spending most of the day at the bar. Why not now? My music career is basically over, so what else is there to do besides do what I enjoy?
My head spins as I climb up the stairs to the second floor. Fog clutters my thoughts, my mind stuck on one thing—Raina.
I haven’t seen her since the day of the fight, nor do I plan to. It physically hurts to even think about her, and I can’t risk being mean to her again. Seeing her pain nearly killed me last time.
I’m a miserable asshole.
The apartment is empty, thank God because I’m not really in the mood to see Drew. Instead, I raid the kitchen for snacks and beers, most of it Drew’s, but I don’t give a shit.
Locking my bedroom door behind me, I flip on the TV, put down the goodies, and help myself to a fresh beer.
Fuck love. Fuck music.
Fuck life.
“C’mon, Levi, open up. It’s been days.”
A distant familiar voice rings in my head, the noise piercing my skull. Why is it so loud?
“Seriously, you can’t stay in there forever. Unless you’re starving yourself too, I know you come out when I’m not here, but I doubt it since most of my beer and food are gone.”
Can he shut up already? Fuck, he’s making my head hurt worse.
“So we’re going to continue this game? Real mature, Levi. Grow the fuck up and face your problems. Stop hiding behind your goddamn bedroom door.”
I ignore him, his words falling on deaf ears. Pulling a pillow over my head, I squeeze my eyes shut. All I want to do is sleep.
My head pounds.
Must sleep.
My mouth is dry, my stomach turning.
Must sleep.
“Levi, fuck, man. I cover for you, support you, and now it looks like I feed you and supply your beer habit, which by the way, ends today. Buy your own damn shit.” Drew slams his fist on the door, and I wince.
He needs to fucking leave already. I don’t care what he thinks or anyone else for that matter. I just want to be left alone.
“Alright, fine. Fuck off then. I’m done making excuses and helping you with your bullshit. You’re on our own.” He bangs on the door one more time, a dick move since he knows I’m probably hung over. “Oh, and rent’s due tomorrow. Don’t be late or you can find a new place to live.”
A minute later, the apartment door bangs shut, and I sigh in relief.
Finally. Quiet.
Closing my eyes, I wait for sleep.
But it doesn’t come.
Twenty minutes later, my head pounds worse than ever. My whole body aches as I roll to my side. I barely remember the past few days, but by the looks of my room, it’s not much besides beer and food.
I should try to shower or at least eat something, yet I don’t move. My energy is gone even after sleeping the past ten hours.
What am I doing with myself?
Fuck if I know. It’s been a week since storming out of Brandon’s office, each day the same. Drink, eat, watch TV, ignore the world.
Once, I took a shower and ventured to the store for more beer since Drew wasn’t keeping up with the amount I want. Not like he should but if he keeps refilling the fridge, why complain?
But Drew’s words ring loud and true, no matter how much I deny or hide away. I can’t run from my problems. They’ll still be there anyway.
But how can I face this?
Rehab or no band?
Fuck, I can’t.
Suddenly, a wave of emotion so strong comes over me, pulling me down and pushing me under. It’s as if I’m in a deep hole, water filling up all around me, ready to cut off my oxygen supply at any second.
Raina.
God, I want her so bad. My arms ache to hold her, to feel her against me, making everything better. Like I can deal.
Like I can breathe.
But she isn’t coming back.
I doubt she’s ever coming back, not after what I said to her. Why would she?
Defeats hangs heavy on my shoulders. I succumb to it all, everything I try so hard to ignore until sobs wrack my body.
Will the pain ever end?
Days blur together. Night falls and the sun rises, over and over, bleeding together into one long day and night.
A quick look at my phone lets me know it’s almost October, a week since Drew banged on my door. I haven’t seen or heard from him since.
Good. Exactly what I wanted.
Today, I need to get out of the house and find more food and drinks before I starve. Drew wasn’t kidding when he said he’d no longer keep the kitchen stocked.
I feel better today, less tired, and no headache thanks to some muscle relaxers I scored. Having connections pays off.
After waiting until I hear Drew leave, I take a shower and find some semi-clean clothes. Fuck, I hate laundry, but soon, I won’t have anything to wear.
Life still goes on whether you live it or not.
Grabbing the last of my shit, I leave the apartment, locking the door behind me.
After a quick trip to a sandwich shop and market, I’m home less than an hour later with a forty rack in hand.
This should last me a few days at least. Or I hope anyway. The less people I need to see, the better. The four walls of my room are enough.
I chug the first can, the cold liquid going down smooth. Mmm, refreshing. I crack open another one when my phone beeps on the nightstand next to my bed. Picking it up, I see it’s a notification I haven’t seen before. I click it, and an app opens I haven’t thought about in months. Tik Tok.
Clicking on my profile, I watch as my videos fill the screen, and my heart lurches, threatening to rip my chest in half.
Shit, I forgot we made these.
How could I forget?
Video after video of Raina and I doing different silly dances. Some in the café, some at gigs, some even on our rooftop.