“Scarlet.” Finny’s eyes were worried and full of pity. It made me feel horrible. “I knew there was something limiting your eyes when we first met, so I didn’t want to send you away. But can you really only shift into one gender?”
They’d seen my eyes didn’t change.
Is that why Finny invited my back? Pity?
“It’s not a big deal.” I was laughing to try and curb the hurt gripping my chest. “There are plenty of male characters I can be.”
“That explains the loud dresses,” Sam provided. “I would reach for feminine designs if I was stuck as one gender all the time.” Their shudder at the thought of being like me nearly made me slap them.
“Finny, I know you have a soft spot for lost puppies, but we don’t have room in this play for charity. We’re not going to act around a cripple.” Ashley stood with their weight on one leg and crossed their arms.
“We’re not turning away a crippled Mimic.” Finny shook their finger at Ashley, proud they were sticking up for the weak one.
“I’m not a fucking cripple!” My voice was shrill, and I hated it. “Stop fucking saying that.”
“If you can only shift into one gender, then you’re kind of broken,” Lyn explained, speaking slowly, like I was a small child. “It’s sad.”
My world was starting to get shaky as tears threatened.
“Scarlet, we’ll find a place for you,” Finny promised, taking my hand and patting it like I was a grief-stricken widow. It wasn’t far from how I felt. My dream was starting to die. “Don’t you worry. We’ll give you a spot.”
They didn’t let me continue running through the play anymore. They asked me to change and go rest. I was told to come back in a week for dress rehearsal.
No, I didn’t need to come to the theater before then.
Just dress rehearsal.
“Don’t strain yourself,” they said.
I hadn’t amazed them. I’d embarrassed them. They pitied me.
Because I was crippled. I was less than.
I was broken.
In one morning onstage, my foundation had cracked. The person I had built myself up to be was crumbling.
I was broken. Momma had been wrong.
For the first time since my mother died, I felt small and lost. I was unsure and scared.
And I didn’t know what to do.
Chapter Eight
I couldn’t face Danny.
I knew I was being stupid, but I was so completely ashamed. Tears had ruined my makeup, and I felt like the world was staring at me as I made the walk of shame back home. There was terror in my bones that I could run into him, and he’d see me as this defeated fraud limping back to my cramped apartment.
I had lied to him, to everyone, by pretending to be something I wasn’t. I played the role of a confident Mimic, a man with the world in his hands, but I was clearly delusional. I had never seen the disgusting pity that was radiating in Finny’s eyes or had words cut as deeply as theirs had. Being insulted and called all sorts of things as a prostitute was cake. I was used to being called a whore, dirty, and all that went with using one’s body for money.
But being called broken by the only people who could possibly understand who you were, people who were supposed to be your kind, your tribe, shattered me. Maybe I was crippled and I had been living this fake life held together by my dead mother’s words for years.
She had always told me there was nothing wrong with me, that I was fine. But she’d been wrong. Those Mimics weren’t picking on me or being vicious. They felt sorry for me, like I was some kicked puppy in the dirt.
Was I really that horrible?
I didn’t know who I was anymore. What I should be.
I was lost.
I knew I should have gone to Danny that night, but I couldn’t pull myself from my bed. I cried, I let my heart ache, and I went to sleep wondering what the hell I was going to do next. They had a “spot” for me in the play, but I wasn’t sure how I could face them again. How could I possibly face them after how small they’d made me feel?
But what choice did I have? That was why I had given up my home, my family. I had walked away from it all so I could be onstage.
And I got my wish.
Going back to work was nearly impossible, but I needed to work. I needed the money. Two days after having my soul torn apart, Danny finally came looking for me. I hadn’t gone to see him, and I’d stood him up for our date.
I felt horrible, but I couldn’t handle seeing the disappointment in his beautiful eyes. I didn’t have it in me to see it on his face. It would kill me. I tried hiding, but Trisha sold me out. She told him where I was tucked away, trying to decompress in our smoking spot.
“Scarlet,” Danny’s voice was laced with unease, hurt, and a little hope. My heart was aching, and I didn’t meet his eyes. “You changed your hair. Wanted to be blond for a while?”
I absently ran my hand over the back of my short hair. “I need to get back to work, Danny.”
“Did I do something?”
I could hear the sorrow in his voice, and it made my eyes sting with tears. “No. I just...need to be alone for a while.”
“Did something happen at the audition? You never came to tell me about it.”
“I got a spot,” I barely managed to say it without sobbing. My spot. Whatever a pitiful thing like that was.
“That’s great. Let’s go celebrate. We can go singing--”
“Danny,” I pleaded quickly. The thought of us singing together, masking myself as this beautiful thing next to this perfect man made me feel horribly embarrassed. I could feel myself shrinking. I had no right to be on his arm.
Broken.
Crippled.
I didn’t want those things associated with my sweet Danny. I remembered his kiss. Remembered his firefly eyes.
“Please leave me alone. I need to be alone,” I whispered, trying and failing to stop the tears from falling. He hesitated a long moment, and I knew that if I had been able to pull my eyes open to look at him, I would have seen hurt. I would have seen heartache.
But I couldn’t bear to handle anything else right now. Not now. I was trying to piece myself together and didn’t know how to do that with another person.
“Alright, gorgeous,” he whispered, and my heart fell to pieces. “You know where to find me.”
He left.
And I sobbed.
True to his word, Danny left me alone. He didn’t come back looking for me after that. From my sadness came a numbed state of existence. It was hard to find a reason to move most of the time and even harder to care. My tips at work suffered, and I was low on money. Each time I tried to wear one of my dresses to feel better, I felt silly. Stupid.
These weren’t made for you.
That explains the loud dresses...I would reach for feminine designs if I was stuck as one gender all the time.
Instead of wearing them, I held them in my lap and missed Danny. I missed him. I missed home. I missed being happy.
I didn’t sleep much, or I slept too much. Either way, my brain was foggy, and my body was sluggish.
So when the Baron came for me, I wasn’t ready for him.
I was walking home when he found me, wearing my work clothing still smelling like sauce. My arm was twisted behind me, and I was jerked off my feet. Before I could register the pain or what was happening, I found myself pressed to the slick bricks of a building. Something cold snapped around my wrist, and I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. It stank like brandy, and the cologne smell radiating from him was suffocating.