‘Hello, come in!’ someone called, a boyish girl or a girlish boy, it was hard for Freddie to tell. This only added to his anxiety as he didn’t want to say the wrong thing and offend anyone unintentionally. ‘Sorry about the heat. Last time it was freezing in here, so we asked maintenance to sort it out, and I guess they hate us or something because this time it’s far too hot. We can open a window if people get too uncomfortable?’
He found himself in a steaming room (a radiator was on full blast) with high ceilings, wide windows and a circle of chairs arranged right in the middle. There were six other people in the room, apart from the one who was welcoming him in, and one of them was the girl from the lift. Freddie glanced at her for a moment, feeling that glimmer of recognition again, but she was clearly embarrassed herself and was staring down at her clasped hands.
‘I’m Andy, by the way,’ the host continued.
‘Freddie,’ Freddie muttered back.
‘Ah Freddie, from the emails. Hi, take a seat, get comfy.’
Freddie resisted sitting next to the girl from the lift because for some reason he was scared that she hated him, so he took the seat almost directly opposite her in the circle instead. As he took his rucksack and coat off, he looked around at the rest of the assembled motley crew: a gentle-seeming middle-aged lady, another with the demeanour of a scared kitten, a gruff-looking guy who was barely out of his teens, and another woman about Freddie’s age, with deep black skin, very stern eyebrows and long braids woven through with bright pink. Finally, there was a slightly older guy sitting just to his right, not in an anorak exactly, but definitely a coat that was waterproof, and with a face shape and hair colour that reminded him faintly of himself.
Freddie wasn’t sure what to make of Andy. They had a girl’s voice, and a thin, faintly curvy shape, but they weren’t exactly feminine either. From their baggy shirt, buttoned up right through the collar, to their cropped, fair head shorn at the back and sides, Freddie wasn’t convinced that he knew how to talk to them, or that he could talk to them without saying the wrong thing. Was Andy a girl? Or were they a boy? It shouldn’t have mattered, Freddie realised, except that it was only adding to his war of nerves.
Aware of the silence, Andy spoke up again. ‘So, most of you have met me before, although we have a couple of new faces this evening. For you two,’ they looked at Freddie and the girl from the lift, ‘let me introduce myself properly. I’m Andy and I’m a PhD student here at the university, studying sociology, and more specifically gender roles and gender discrimination. This group is a little project of mine that sprang up from some of my research last year, although I want to reassure you that nothing you say or do here will be documented in any way, and everything is strictly confidential. You don’t have to disclose any personal details if you don’t want to. Whatever you say in this room, stays in this room, understand?’
There were mumbled agreements from everyone.
‘I also would like to make clear that this is a safe space, and that we should all feel free to express ourselves, to be ourselves, however we feel is necessary and right for us. I for one identify as a non-binary individual and my personal pronouns are they or them. If any of you have something similar you’d like to express, then please don’t be shy about it. Let’s be kind to each other, OK?’
Freddie had never met someone who identified as non-binary before, and felt the pressure grow even heavier, worried he was going to put his foot in it somehow.
‘I would also like to get the ball rolling tonight, and maybe ease some of the tension, by being the first to say that I’m a virgin. Well, to be honest, I kind of have problems with the word virgin and what it means, and we can talk about that later if we like, but in the spirit of why we’re all here, and in accordance with societal norms, then yes, I am a virgin. Perhaps one of the other regulars would like to introduce themselves next?’
Andy looked specifically over to the middle-aged lady, who had a kind face and eyes that seemed to be smiling even when the rest of her face wasn’t quite there yet.
‘Hello everyone,’ she started. ‘I’m Cathryn, and I met Andy through a survey they were doing here at the university, and they haven’t really been able to shake me off since.’
She paused, readying herself, then continued: ‘I was a nun until relatively recently. About three years ago, in fact. Never wore a habit or anything, not one of those nuns. But, as I started getting older, I realised it wasn’t working any more. But that’s a long, complicated story, for another time. So here I am. In my fifties, and no longer a nun. Everything’s a bit of a mystery to me, you might say. Oh, and I’m also definitely gay.’
Something about the way she said it, so casually, but also as if she was remarking on something totally unimportant, like the weather, might have made Freddie chuckle if he hadn’t been so tense with nerves.
‘I never got to say stuff like that before, when I was younger, and doing all those nun things. I say it a fair bit now, to make up for lost time, if you will.’
‘Thank you, Cathryn!’ Andy said warmly. ‘Lizzie? Want to go next?’
The woman next to Cathryn was perhaps the same age, maybe older, and seemed just as frightened as Freddie felt. She was small, and looked smaller still with her arms and legs folded in on herself.
‘I’m Lizzie,’ she offered a weak wave to the group. ‘I’ve been coming here for a couple of months now, making friends. Getting out of the house. I’m an assistant at a veterinary clinic, which is nice because I really like the animals. Is there anything else you need me to say?’
‘No, that’s brilliant Lizzie, thank you,’ Andy replied.
‘Guess it’s me next then, said the gruff-looking man.’ He wasn’t a kid; Freddie figured he was almost certainly in his early twenties, but there was something about him that made Freddie think of him as a kid anyway. Something about the way he was speaking now, about the angry tension that was surrounding him. ‘I’m Mike. I’m a virgin. And I don’t want to be, as soon as possible.’
‘Is that all you want to say?’ Andy asked, after it was clear he wasn’t going to go any further.
‘Oh, there’s lots I’d like to say, but I’m trying to be on my best behaviour.’ He emphasised the last couple of words by using his fingers to make air speech marks, before adding, a little guiltily: ‘I don’t want to upset anyone.’
‘Why don’t you introduce yourself next?’ Andy was looking at the girl from the lift, who was playing with a long strand of fair hair, twisting it up and around her fingers, but then went to sit on her hands the moment she realised she was being looked at.
‘Oh, OK. Um . . .’ She swallowed, and Freddie wondered if she was about to cry. ‘I’m Kate.’
‘It’s really nice to meet you Kate. We’re glad you could be here. Anything else you’d like to share right now?’ Andy asked.
‘I guess we all know why I’m here,’ Kate offered, with a nervous laugh. ‘Do I really have to say it out loud?’
‘Not if you don’t want to,’ Andy reassured.
‘Well. Um, I suppose I’m just scared that life is passing me by, you know. Things haven’t gone all that well for me lately. And I feel like, as I get older, it’s all becoming a lot scarier.’