‘I completely understand that!’ Cathryn commented loudly. ‘You try being a bride of Christ for more than thirty years and then realising there’s a reason you never wanted to marry the nice chap from the next town who your parents thought was perfect for you. Or any other man, for that matter.’
‘I just need to make a change, you know,’ Kate said, looking at Cathryn with something like hope. ‘But I have no idea what that change is meant to be. Or what I’m meant to do.’
‘I had a man once,’ Lizzie added, ignoring Kate. ‘He was my everything. The perfect man. We were both nineteen when he left, and now there’s nothing left.’
‘Oh no!’ Kate sounded genuinely startled, before Cathryn placed a hand on her shoulder and gently shook her head.
‘I’m Hattie,’ the girl with the braids said. ‘I’m a post-doc here, and also a virgin, obviously, but I’m pretty OK with it because, to be honest, I don’t even really want to have sex.’
Freddie spotted Mike roll his eyes.
‘I just don’t think sex is that important, and that people make too much of sexual attraction. Some of us just don’t feel it, but we’re made to feel bad or imperfect because of it. It’s not fair. I try and talk about this on the outside, on my socials and stuff, but it’s a battle, and everyone just won’t stop going on about how great sex is; how I need to experience it before I know. But I think I know, and besides, turns out I don’t really care. Anyway. I just want to talk about this stuff. Without people thinking I’m mad or something.’
‘Thanks Hattie,’ Andy said, giving her a thumbs up. ‘Steve, you want to go next?’
‘I’m Steve. I’m fifty-four. I’m a virgin. I’m a technical analyst for an engineering firm. I’m just curious about everybody else’s opinions, and the group has really been helping me understand everything. Thank you.’
Freddie got the sense that he was used to being professional and didn’t know how to communicate very well outside a work context. There was something almost robotic about the way he sounded, very careful and deliberate.
But now it was his turn. He’d made all this effort, the time had come.
‘I’m Freddie.’ He paused; his mouth felt parched. ‘I’m a virgin, and I’m scared of what that means. So, yeah. Here I am.’
‘Welcome to the group Freddie,’ Andy said softly.
Freddie didn’t say much during the meeting but he enjoyed listening to everybody else. Cathryn and Hattie seemed so spirited and passionate, and then, at the opposite end of the spectrum, there was Lizzie, who might have been in a world of her own, and Steve, whose expression was oddly blank for most of the session, except for when he decided that he agreed with something, or wanted to write down the name of an author of a book or article that they were talking about. He seemed to be very attentive to Lizzie, but Freddie didn’t know if he was just imagining it. Lizzie seemed so delicate and worried by everything. Mike seemed quietly furious, his leg bobbing in front of him as he got more and more wound up, until Andy moderated and soothed him with some words of kindness. Freddie didn’t feel like an intruder to this space, not exactly, yet he couldn’t figure out how to interact properly either. Despite this, he still felt pleased with himself. He’d announced to a group of strangers that he was a virgin and the world hadn’t come to an end immediately afterwards.
There was a point in the evening when his eyes fell on Kate. He wondered if she was as anxious as he was, whether she also felt the same vague thrill of relief after finally being able to say out loud what they’d been embarrassed about for so long. And then suddenly she was looking up and straight back at him, brow furrowed in thought, like she was trying to figure something out. Freddie smiled at her, a tense, quick smile, thinking that she’d catch herself staring and look away, but instead, he was surprised to find that she just smiled right back.
Chapter 6
Well. This was turning out to be positively all right. Kate was relieved, and while not exactly relaxed, she had definitely eased into the situation.
‘The thing is, as you get older, you learn to make peace with the anxiety of life passing you by too quickly,’ Cathryn told her, referring back to what Kate had said when she had first introduced herself. ‘Granted I’ve had a long time to think and get used to it all, but if you spend your time getting stressed about it, you end up missing out on the nice stuff that’s out there in the world. Like getting to the bus stop at just the right time so that you’re barely waiting a minute before the bus comes around the corner. Or watching Alexander Armstrong on Pointless. Because he’s very nice.’
‘Oh, he is nice!’ Lizzie said, suddenly animated. ‘He opened my cousin’s village fete. They got a selfie together.’
‘There we go then. Village fetes and wholesome TV presenters. Just remember that you can still allow yourself to be happy, even though things aren’t necessarily going the way you want them to.’
Kate nodded appreciatively, trying and struggling to think of anything that had made her happy lately, before Andy chimed in, asking Cathryn how her dating adventures were going.
‘Well, you know how last time I was showing you all the things I could do on my phone with those romance applications? Well, last week I actually went on a date!’
Kate turned to look around the room and saw Hattie’s eyes widen with a distinct mix of admiration and horror. She liked Hattie instantly. She was the kind of person who seemed to wear every single emotion right there on her face for everyone else to see.
‘It didn’t work out or anything, but it was completely fascinating. She was one of the butch types, you know? Very stocky with short hair, but very pleasant nonetheless,’ Cathryn continued, and Kate sensed Andy wincing at Cathryn’s less than politically correct assessment of her date’s aesthetic. ‘And we talked about television, and politics, which was lovely. And then we talked about what it was like coming out. She’d been out for ever, but I could tell that she wasn’t too impressed with me. I’m not out yet, you see,’ she announced to Kate and Freddie. ‘I mean, I’m out to you lot obviously, but I haven’t told the wider world or anything. I figure the people at work just think I’m a merry divorcee or something similar – they don’t even know I used to be a nun!
‘So anyway, I’m on this date, and she’s making a point of telling me that all her previous girlfriends had been out and proud, and that she didn’t have too much patience for grown women still in the closet. Which is fair, I suppose, if you’re at that stage of your life. But it put a dampener on things, so to speak. We didn’t have much to talk about after that.’
‘Did you tell her about your lack of experience? I’ve been scared to, in case it just shuts everything down,’ Mike said.
‘If it’s the right person, then wouldn’t they understand?’ Hattie countered.
‘I’d hope so, but how can you tell? I just imagine every girl laughing in my face when they find out. People expect so much of you, and it makes me angry. And I hate it. It’s like there’s no way out.’
‘People think there’s this magical spell thing when it comes to losing your virginity. Like that one experience is suddenly the most important experience you’ll ever have,’ Hattie added.