‘Steve, what do you think?’ Andy asked.
‘I think . . .’ Steve’s face flushed deep red. ‘I think it’s important to wait for the right person.’
‘All I’m saying is that the right person doesn’t have to be someone you’re deeply in love with. The right person might be a person you can be frank and honest with. A person you can trust, maybe have laugh with. It doesn’t have to be a love thing.’ Hattie’s words resonated with Kate. She’d always felt herself swaying between the romantic ideal of true love, and the more practical desire to just get it done with anyone who was available, the latter always closely related to how much she’d been drinking. She hadn’t considered the other option before, that it didn’t have to be all fairy-tale romance, but it could still be trusting, maybe even a little fun.
‘How do you write that in a dating profile, though?’ Cathryn asked. ‘How do you write “need someone to show me the ropes” without inviting trouble?’
‘Or ridicule,’ Mike added.
‘People are so scared of virgins too,’ Hattie said, this time with a little sadness in her voice. ‘Like we’re not real human beings. The number of times I’ve had to join in on sex jokes and conversations about sex, pretending that it’s a part of my life, just to fit in and seem normal. It’s exhausting.’
Kate thought about Renee’s assumptions about her love life, about how whenever she discussed relationships with Lindsey, it felt like Lindsey was trying to be careful and gentle when talking about sex and romance, for fear of upsetting her. And then she thought about Elise and all the old school friends. Maybe they sensed it. Kate had barely had the courage to open Facebook on her phone in the week or so since discovering she hadn’t been invited to Elise’s hen. Every time her finger hovered over the phone screen, her stomach seemed to plummet, the anxiety rising in her with a hot flush. Did they know? Did they care? But then, even if they did, why did it have to matter so much?
Maybe I’m the one making too much of it, and that’s what they pick up on, Kate thought.
‘But you don’t know though,’ Lizzie said wistfully to Cathryn. ‘If you never had the conversation with her, then how would you know? What if you gave up too easily?’
‘I do wonder about that,’ Cathryn said. ‘I wonder if I was too picky and didn’t give her a chance. But then don’t I get a say too? It’s all very well wondering and hoping that someone likes you, but really, the truth is, I didn’t like her very much to begin with.’
‘There’s always porn,’ Mike said. ‘For learning stuff, I mean.’
‘I don’t think porn is very useful,’ Hattie said with determination. ‘Don’t look at porn, Cathryn.’
‘I wasn’t planning to,’ Cathryn laughed. ‘Wouldn’t even know where to begin!’
‘People say it’s not realistic,’ Mike continued, ‘but if you’ve got nothing to go on, nothing to compare it to, then it’s got to be better than nothing. Right?’
‘I think what Hattie is trying to say,’ Andy said carefully, ‘is that a lot of mainstream porn caters for the male gaze, and male pleasure. It’s not the best place to learn about real sex.’
‘Unless you’re a man?’ Mike offered, causing Steve to chuckle before he stopped abruptly and blushed an even deeper shade of scarlet.
‘But sex isn’t just about the man, about the man getting off. It’s about everybody involved,’ Hattie said emphatically.
‘You don’t even want sex, so what do you know?’ Mike said. Kate thought she saw Hattie’s eyes twitch with the need to retaliate.
‘Remember, let’s all be kind,’ Andy soothed.
‘I was only joking,’ Mike said, a little half-heartedly.
‘So, is porn OK?’ Kate asked tentatively. It was the first time she had spoken in a while, and her voice sounded small and scared. ‘I mean, I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve seen much, but is it bad?’
‘It can be outrageously sexist,’ Hattie replied instantly.
‘It’s dirty stuff, that,’ Lizzie added quietly, arms crossed so tightly over her chest that her hands were tucked under her arms.
‘It’s not for everyone and there’s some pretty dismal stuff out there,’ Andy conceded. ‘But if you know where to look and what you like – and as long as everybody involved has consented – then for many it can be a good option. I’m certainly not anti-pornography.’
‘I’m not a prude, I don’t think,’ Kate said, feeling the need to clarify why she’d asked the question. ‘I want to have sex. I know I do. I just haven’t found anybody to have it with yet. And I don’t know if it’s bad luck, or if . . . it’s just me. If there’s something wrong with me.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with you,’ Andy reassured.
‘If there’s one thing I know, it’s that everybody is on their own course, and it doesn’t help to constantly compare yourself to others,’ Cathryn added.
‘We’ve talked about it a lot in previous meetings,’ Andy continued, ‘so I don’t want to dwell on it too much this time around, but I think it’s worth saying that sex has many forms. Sometimes it’s with another person, sometimes it’s on your own. There are lots of different ways to express sexuality, and to have sex.’
While Andy and Hattie got into a terse conversation about whether you were still a virgin if you masturbated, Kate took the chance to look around the room again. Hattie, Mike and Cathryn were dominating the conversation, and between them were Lizzie, Steve and Freddie, who were all listening (well, to be honest, Kate wasn’t too sure about Lizzie, who at times seemed to be drifting off into her own little world), but seemed too shy or scared to get involved.
‘You’ve been very quiet, Freddie,’ Andy said, after a time.
‘Just listening to everyone,’ he replied carefully. ‘I’m not sure that I have anything to add right now.’
‘Do you go out on dates?’ Cathryn asked.
‘No, but I want to,’ he replied. ‘I think. It’s just hard. The talking thing. And the meeting girls thing. I’m scared I’ve left it too long, that there’s too much stuff that I don’t know about. And then there’s finding someone who’s all right with my inexperience. I guess I’m scared that I’ve left everything too late and it’s all passed me by.’
Kate knew exactly what Freddie was saying, knew exactly where he was coming from. She watched him as he spoke: his eyes were cast down the whole time, his hands warring with themselves as if he were trying to wring water out of them. And then she started to feel some more of that relief, at realising she might not be completely alone after all; that there was at least one other person in the world who felt as lonely as she felt.
‘Well, if it’s too late for you, then there’s no chance for me,’ Cathryn laughed. ‘But seriously though, I know that it’s not exactly worked out for me yet. But you should maybe think about internet dating. Just to desensitise you to the whole “meeting girls” thing, or the talking thing, if that’s the problem. That’s what I’m doing it for, and if I end up meeting someone special, then that’s a bonus!’