Freddie couldn’t.
‘So he says that he never actually imagined ending up with someone like me, even though his friends and family loved me; he just imagined being with someone different. He spends tons of time on Instagram, looking at “thirst pics” of girls with big arses at the gym. So he figured out that I wasn’t what he wanted, and had to cut things off before they went too far.’
‘Wasn’t three years already too far?’ Freddie asked.
‘Well, exactly! He goes and he says all this – we were in public, if you can believe it, at a restaurant right around the corner from here. One of my favourites, which means that obviously I can never go to it ever again. Tosser. So this date-a-week thing was an idea of one of my other friends, to stop me getting depressed and to meet someone new really quickly.’
‘It’s certainly quite the idea . . .’
‘I know,’ she rolled her eyes. ‘Sorry for wasting your time.’
Maybe it was because she had been so open with him, and because it was now absolutely clear that any chance of romance or sex was off the table, but Freddie relaxed. The pressure was off. He sat back in his chair and noticed that his hands had stopped shaking.
‘You’re not wasting my time. You’re really not.’
‘How long have you been single?’ Mia asked.
‘A long time,’ Freddie replied with a sigh, and no intention of going into specifics.
‘And this is your first online date?’
‘It is.’
‘How come?’
Freddie looked back at her, not sure that he understood the question.
‘How come you haven’t done online dating?’ she tried again. ‘It’s refreshing to meet someone new to all of this, but trust me, it’s rare too.’
‘Oh,’ Freddie said, before carefully adding, ‘I have issues with anxiety.’
‘That’s OK,’ Mia replied warmly. ‘My sister has OCD.’
‘She does?’ Freddie was sceptical. He knew a lot of people liked to say they had OCD without really knowing what it meant.
‘It’s pretty mild, but she sees a therapist about it. I think she gets these obsessive bursts, like everything will be fine for ages, and then she’ll be fixated on this one thing, and won’t be able to stop until it’s sorted. One time she stayed up all night taking apart a bookcase and then putting it all back together, because she couldn’t get it out of her head that one of the shelves wasn’t perfectly straight. Couldn’t sleep until it was sorted out.’
‘Actually,’ Freddie took a pause, wondering when had been the last time he’d told someone new about all of this. ‘I have OCD too. Mine’s not like your sister’s though.’
‘Are you the washing hands and light switches type?’
‘Never light switches for me, but hands, yeah. And germs in general. Teeth brushing. I used to have this thing about even numbers. When I was really bad, I counted my footsteps, and if I got anywhere I was going on an odd number of steps, I had to go back and start all over again. Got to the point where I couldn’t even leave the house.’
‘That sounds pretty intense.’
‘I was hospitalised for it five years ago.’
‘Oh my god, wow,’ Mia said, using both hands to clasp on to her latte, staring at him in fascination.
‘My dentist once had to tell me to stop brushing my teeth, if you can believe it. I was brushing too much and causing what he called “substantial gum damage”. But I’m a lot better now. It’s still there, but really, really far away in the background. Like a tiny, quiet voice I can usually ignore. Most of the time. It doesn’t get in the way much any more.’
Wow, it felt good to talk. It felt good to not have that hot, pinched feeling between his shoulder-blades any more. It would come back, he was sure of it, but for the moment, it was gone.
‘I should put you in touch with my sister. You’d have a lot to talk about.’
‘Is she single?’ Freddie joked, but even as he said it, cringed and felt terrible for it.
‘She’s married,’ Mia said gently, with a kind smile. ‘But honestly, should two people with OCD be together? Can you imagine?’
‘Probably not a good idea, you’re right.’
The silence hung for an awkward moment.
‘So you’ve been single since then? Five years. Wow,’ Mia ruminated. Freddie didn’t correct her. There was no point, she didn’t need to know. ‘But if you’re better now, then why has it taken you so long to get out there?’
‘I don’t know,’ Freddie admitted. ‘I guess, when I have a routine, I like sticking to it. I don’t like to change things up much.’
‘But you’re trying now? You’ve been challenged to go on dates?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Well, I think all this is awesome. You should totally write about it or something, get one of those websites to do a thing. Or go on This Morning. You’d have a million girls falling at your feet in moments.’
‘I don’t know about that . . .’ Just the mere thought of having any of this made public forced his fingers into tense fists.
‘Why? Bet there are hundreds of girls who’d love a man like you.’ He gave her a look in response. ‘What’s that actor – there’s one you remind me of; he’s lanky as well. Oh, I’ll remember it once we’re done here, I promise you.’
Then a hopeful thought, something that felt safe to say: ‘We could hang out again maybe? Not like a date, but just to hang out?’
‘Just friends?’
‘Sure, why not?’
He hated himself after he said it, suddenly feeling like he was being too needy and strange.
‘You’re really nice Freddie . . .’ Mia started.
‘You’re really nice too,’ he said back.
‘But that’s not what I do this for. I don’t think that’s what you should be doing this for either.’
‘Right.’
‘You’re sweet, but this is dating. For dates. Not for friends. You know?’
‘Yeah. I know.’
‘But thanks. And don’t feel bad about asking. It was cool that you asked. You’ll find the right girl, I’m certain of it.’ She placed a hand on his arm, and held it there in a reassuring way.
‘You shouldn’t be letting yourself stay stuck on that other guy. He’s an idiot,’ Freddie said.
‘You can’t help who you love, even if they’re deranged arseholes who think they deserve to be dating someone with a bum like a Kardashian,’ she replied sadly. ‘Speaking of which, you don’t mind if we take a selfie together, do you? I won’t tag you or anything, but I’m sort of blogging these dates on my Insta. He still follows me and I want him to see them. I promise to keep you anonymous?’
Somewhat startled, Freddie obliged, and then, once Mia had applied whatever filters she deemed necessary and written a comment about drinking the best coffee in London with a new friend, wink emoji, she said it was time to go. Freddie stood up with her and they battled through the awkward-hug thing. Then she put on her purple bobble hat and disappeared into the icy February air.