This time there was no taking turns, one person testing the other, daring the other to go further. They were working together, gently at first, and then with a fierceness Freddie had no idea was in him. The bag of peas lay discarded on the table. His shirt was being unbuttoned, her dress lifted off and thrown to the floor – the sudden separation as he helped her do this was nearly unbearable – and then, without him even really understanding what was happening, they moved to the bedroom.
His body seemed to be doing all the talking that evening. He asked a question with his fingers and she would respond in turn. He heard what she needed just from the way she shifted and moved around him, and he replied. The ease and the instinct powered him to find new sensations with her, sweet and hot all at once, and when he heard her moan, louder than she had the first time they’d done this, he was moved to moan too.
Afterwards, he collapsed back on the bed, emotionally exhausted and sleepy.
When he woke not long after, Kate was getting ready to leave.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked, propping himself up.
‘I live on the other side of London now. My parents will be wondering where I am,’ she replied. ‘I really do sound like a teenager, don’t I? So embarrassing.’
‘You don’t have to go. You can stay.’
‘I don’t think so, Freddie.’
‘Why not?’
She was struggling to do up the zipper on the back of her dress and looked as if she was going to cry.
‘I don’t know . . . I feel stupid.’
‘Don’t feel stupid.’
Freddie got up and hastily wrapped a blanket around himself, feeling embarrassed by his nudity when Kate was nearly fully dressed in front of him. Once sorted, he went up behind her, and helped her with the zipper. It was more intimate than he wanted it to be, being so close to her back, to the nape of her neck, only visible because Kate was holding her long hair out of the way.
‘I’m scared we’re going to get confused about things,’ she admitted. ‘That was nice, what happened just then. But . . . I just don’t know what it means.’
‘I don’t either,’ Freddie said. He thought he was being helpful, sympathetic, but it turned out that wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship,’ she said sadly.
‘Same here.’
‘In which case, I’m just going to go. This wasn’t meant to happen. I just think maybe we need a bit of space until we figure everything out?’
‘OK.’
He sat on his bed, still and naked, for a long time after Kate left him. The light outside the window dimmed into dusk. Someone tried to ring (he guessed it was probably his mum, or maybe even Stella, anxious after how he’d left things with David earlier on), but he didn’t even want to look at his phone. What was the point? It had been an absolute disaster and he couldn’t handle any reminders of it. He felt bruised; not just his fist, but the whole of him. Almost as if he had been the one beaten up, not the one inflicting the damage.
Why couldn’t I say anything? he thought. He loved the way they fitted together, so why hadn’t he just told her that?
His stomach hurt with the intensity of his feelings. Watching her with his family, that rage he had felt when David had said what he had said, feeling her move with him for the second time – there was just so much to make sense of. Too much.
‘Hey, is now a good time?’
Freddie had decided to call Baz while he waited for one of Damien’s tiny espresso pods to turn into a cup of coffee. He’d never used the machine before (had never dared), but he’d seen his flatmate do it often enough. It was right there in the kitchen, in their shared kitchen, taking up all that room and looking so sleek and mighty, and Freddie had wanted a coffee.
He didn’t know if it was the sex – which had really been quite something – or the inner coil of rage that was still there from his ‘chat’ with David earlier, but Freddie was feeling compulsive in a brand-new way. He wasn’t thinking about germs, about needing to protect things by keeping himself clean, about counting things until numbers lost all meaning. Instead he was thinking about fixing things, about doing things, about making things happen. He wasn’t angry at Damien or his coffee machine, but he was angry that he had never worked up the guts to use it. It might have been precious to Damien, he understood that, but it was just a cup of coffee. He could contribute to buy new pods. He could be trusted to use it regardless. He could be respected enough to share it.
‘Hey pal,’ Baz replied, ‘everything OK with you?’
‘I never slept with Camellia,’ Freddie blurted.
‘Right . . . Freddie, mate, is now really the best time for this? Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘That night at the Leavers’ Ball? I thought we were going to hook up, but I caught her with another guy. She was all over him. Camellia was never interested in me. I never even talked to her about it. I just presumed, and then got lost in my stupid head.’
‘Freddie, pal, you’re sounding kinda worked up there.’
‘I told you I had slept with her because I was embarrassed. I felt foolish, and I feel like I’ve been chasing that stupid lie ever since. I never slept with Camellia. I never even talked to her at that stupid party.’
‘Freddie—’
‘I needed to tell you. I’m sick of not saying anything, of pretending everything is all right, of bottling everything in. I feel like I’ve never actually done anything in my life. I feel like life just keeps passing me by because I’m standing on the sidelines. I don’t want to be on the sidelines any more. I want to do something. I want things to happen.’
‘Well, this is quite the revelation.’
‘Sorry for saying it like that. For shouting or anything.’
‘Don’t say sorry now, mate, you’re on a roll!’
‘All these years, you thought I had slept with Camellia, but I never did. I’ve been a virgin this entire time, and I’ve been so embarrassed about it.’
‘Freddie,’ he heard Baz take in a deep breath on the other end of the phone line, ‘I knew all along. Not the specifics, I wasn’t sure, but I knew you were lying that night. I knew nothing had happened.’
‘You never said.’
‘I didn’t want you to feel bad. I knew you were sensitive about it. I thought it was better that way.’
‘Right, OK. Well now I feel even more embarrassed.’
‘No, Freddie. Don’t feel embarrassed. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about!’
‘I needed to tell you. To get it off my chest.’
‘And I’m thrilled you did. I’m relieved you did. I’ve been worried about you.’
‘You have?’
‘I know we don’t talk about our feelings much, and when we get together, Wayne seems to lower the tone somewhat, but we can talk about these kinds of things. We should talk about these kinds of things. You’re my friend. And I’m yours. And I’m sorry that you felt you could never tell me the truth about everything.’
Freddie considered the tiny cup of coffee now in his hands. It all seemed a bit silly now.