‘I’m fine,’ Kate lied. ‘But I haven’t had a chance to catch up with you in ages. Tell me about Claude. What’s happening with you two?’
‘Claude is amazing, but . . .’ Renee eyed Kate carefully over the rim of her teacup, and Kate got the sense that her friend knew she was purposely diverting the conversation and had decided to let it slide. ‘He told me he loved me last night.’
‘What? Why didn’t you lead with that? This is huge!’
‘Is it?’ Renee sighed.
‘Isn’t it?’ Kate returned, baffled.
‘I told him that I thought it was a lovely sentiment, but that I couldn’t return it,’ said Renee.
‘I thought you guys were perfect together.’
‘I thought so too, but then he said it. And I couldn’t say it back, not like he wanted me to.’
‘You’ve only been going out with him for what, about two months? It’s been really fast. Perhaps you’ll feel the same way about him in time?’
‘Oh Kate . . .’ Renee sighed. ‘He’s always been more passionate about me than I have about him. And the passion is great – it’s really fun – but it’s not the same as love. Plus sometimes, he does these things. Stupid, little things. But they are, you know, annoying.’
‘Like what?’
‘He cleans up after me too much. If I leave an empty glass on a side table it’s swooped away within moments. He makes the bed seconds after I’ve just left it. Oh, and he describes food in ridiculously weird ways. Chip shop chips? The really greasy kind? They “inspire” him, he loves their “wanton abandon of sophistication”. He described a Pret sandwich the other day as the “Platonic ideal of all sandwiches that have come before and will come after”.’
‘Well, at least he’s tidy—’
‘There’s one more thing . . .’
‘Go on?’
‘The other night, after we did it, he whimpered.’
‘Whimpered?’
‘Like, I think he wanted to cry, but he must have known that I’d beat him up with a pillow if he did, so he just held it in. Except it came out anyway, in this really pathetic little whimper. A lone tear trailing down his cheek.’
‘Did you say anything about it?’
‘I didn’t, but he must have seen my face. It wasn’t a good face.’
‘I really did think he was perfect,’ Kate reflected.
‘I know you did. But sometimes the thing you think is perfect at the beginning turns out to be nothing. And then, the thing you presume is just going to be nothing turns out to be the big thing. Life sucks like that.’
Kate thought about Freddie. Thought about how big her feelings had become and how unexpected they were.
‘You’re thinking about that guy, aren’t you? You’re thinking about Freddie,’ Renee said. ‘That’s why you’re being all weird and mopey.’
‘What? No, I’m not.’
‘Did you break up too?’
‘We were never together.’
‘Are you sure about that?’
‘I’m sure. We were only meant to be just friends.’
‘And yet . . .’
‘Renee, I’m not talking about it. It was nothing. Freddie is history.’
They sat in silence for a spell, Kate prodding her chocolate cake with her tiny fork, her appetite suddenly gone.
‘Whatever it was, I’ve ruined it anyway,’ Kate finally mumbled.
‘Ruined how? You didn’t whimper or anything, did you?’
‘Oh gosh, nothing that embarrassing.’
‘What was it then?’
‘I just kind of . . . walked away.’
‘You did what?’
‘It’s was over a week ago, and we were together – I actually went to this fancy family party with him, if you can believe it – and then I went back to his, and it was great. It was actually phenomenally great, but then I got up and I walked away.’
‘I’m sorry, but I don’t understand.’
‘Neither do I.’
Kate pushed her plate of chocolate cake out in front of her and let her forehead fall to the table.
‘I really like him,’ she moaned into the Formica.
‘Damn,’ Renee replied.
‘And I should have told him, but I got scared. And he’s not the most communicative guy either, so now I think I’ve ruined it.’
‘You could still tell him.’
‘But if he felt the same way, don’t you think he would have told me? I feel so alone here, and I’m so rubbish at all of this.’
‘Oh Kate, no wonder you’ve been blue.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want to think about any of this. I should be happy. I might end up with a new job. One that I like. My parents are supporting me, and so far that particular decision doesn’t seem to be a total disaster, and I’ve had more action in the last month than I’ve had in the rest of my life. I feel like I should be grateful.’
‘You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to have complicated feelings.’
Kate sat back up in her seat, picked up her perfect china teacup, and sipped the last of her oolong, savouring the honey-like taste.
‘I’m sorry you and Claude didn’t work out. I liked him,’ she said sadly.
‘He was hot, but he was also pretentious, and thought I was a different person than I really am,’ Renee sighed.
‘You’ll find the right one,’ Kate encouraged.
‘I don’t know if I want to find just one,’ Renee admitted. ‘It seems so weirdly limited, to focus all your energy on finding just one person, and that person being for ever. Sure, I’d like someone, but only for right now, and only for as long as that lasts. Does that make sense?’
‘You don’t think there’s a perfect person out there for you?’
‘I think we’re more adaptable than that. I think there are lots of people you can be perfect with.’
‘I like that idea,’ Kate said. And she did, for Renee. For herself, there was only one person she wanted.
‘You could still message Freddie?’ Renee suggested.
‘I could.’
‘But it’s hard?’
‘But it’s hard. I don’t know what to say. Don’t know if I should be apologising or baring my soul, or what. Maybe it’s easier to just let it go?’
‘Just because something’s easier, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do,’ Renee warned.
Kate tried to smile and looked down at her chocolate cake crumbs. She knew Renee was right, but still wasn’t sure what she was meant to do about it, what was appropriate and what was fair.
‘I’ve got to go,’ Renee said.
‘I think I’m going to stay here for a bit,’ Kate replied.
‘Maybe, with your big new fancy job upstairs, we should make this a weekly thing. Next time on me?’
‘I’d like that.’
Kate stood up to hug Renee before she left and then sat back down. It was time to look at the email. The first line was visible on the mail app, the ellipses at the end teasing her to click and find out more: