The one thing he felt guilty about was the distance he was also putting between himself and his family. Freddie realised that he needed time out from them, and that they probably needed time out from him, so aside from quick messages to his parents to assure them that he was fine and that they didn’t need to worry, there had been no communication. No apologies. David hadn’t been in touch at all. Stella had tried many times, but Freddie hadn’t been ready. He wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be ready again. It was possible that his relationship with his brother could never be repaired. It was also just as possible that David’s pride would get the better of him and that he’d pretend the punch had never happened. It was still too soon to tell.
He wondered if the university building in Bloomsbury would feel different now. There was a moment just before he stepped into the room when he wondered what he would do if Kate was there. But he also knew that she wouldn’t be. That he probably shouldn’t be here either.
‘Hey Freddie,’ Andy said happily, once he had taken his seat. ‘How is everything going?’
‘Fine. I mean, quite good really. Considering.’
Hattie looked up at him suspiciously. She was wearing a dozen or so bangles on her wrists, which rattled as she moved. Freddie was aware that this was the most optimistic he’d ever sounded in this room, and that it might garner some attention.
When the door opened again, he was surprised at how suddenly charged he felt, but settled quickly again when it was just Cathryn and Mike.
‘Hello Freddie, we didn’t see you last meeting. Is everything good with you?’ Cathryn asked warmly.
‘I’m good,’ Freddie replied, smiling.
‘Ahh, that’s lovely then!’ Cathryn beamed as she sat down.
The first part of the meeting was taken up by Mike, who was angry that a friend of his had jokingly called him an incel, not realising how close to home the term struck.
‘It just makes me so angry,’ Mike said. ‘Because dictionary-definition-wise, that’s what I am. But I don’t want to be. Because that’s such an ugly word, and people who are proud of that are sick.’
‘I did a deep dive into an incel forum once,’ Hattie said solemnly. ‘Not a fun place.’
‘How do I make sure I don’t become like them?’ Mike asked.
‘What’s an incel, again?’ Cathryn asked.
‘It’s short for “involuntary celibate”,’ Andy explained. ‘Someone who wants to have sex, but isn’t.’
‘Aren’t I an incel then?’ she asked.
‘The term’s become associated with a specific type of man, who’s basically misogynist, who thinks he deserves sex, and that women are withholding it from him for crazy reasons. It’s a whole thing,’ said Hattie, rolling her eyes.
‘I don’t want to be like that,’ said Mike sadly. ‘I don’t want to be angry like them, I don’t want to be bitter like them. But I also want to have sex. I want my life to be different. I hate what I have now.’
Freddie felt awkward. He realised that he was the only one in the room who wasn’t a virgin, and wondered if they’d chuck him out if they found out.
‘You can change it,’ Freddie revealed, speaking softly.
‘Sorry, I couldn’t hear you there. What did you say?’ Cathryn asked.
‘I said that you can change it. That Mike can change it, if he wants to. It’s possible.’
‘Do tell us,’ said Hattie, her arms folded across her chest.
‘I think the trick is to not care so much about the sex,’ Freddie said.
‘Why do you think we’re all here?’ Mike returned.
‘I mean it might be possible that the lack of sex isn’t the problem. That it might be a symptom of another, bigger problem. I think my problem wasn’t that I was a virgin. I thought it was my virginity holding me back, but it wasn’t. It never was. It was other stuff. And maybe, by tackling the other stuff, you’ll find that better stuff happens.’
‘That’s great advice Freddie,’ Andy said warmly.
‘What’s my problem then?’ Mike challenged.
‘You’re angry, for starters,’ said Hattie boldly.
‘I think that maybe it’s worth Mike figuring all that out by himself,’ Andy said. ‘Maybe come back to the next meeting with whatever it is you need to work through? But we’re not going to psychoanalyse you here.’
‘I just want to be happy,’ Mike said.
Cathryn leaned across and gave him the most nun-like face Freddie had seen from her yet: ‘You can be happy. But none of us can tell you how to do it, or why you’re not. You’ve got to figure it out yourself.’
Mike slouched down in his seat in resignation.
Just as Andy was about to lead them on, there was a light knock on the door, causing Freddie another shock of worry. This time it was Lizzie who peeked her face around shyly before coming all the way in.
‘Hello everyone,’ she said in a tiny voice.
‘How are you doing this week, Lizzie?’ Andy asked.
‘Oh you know, ticking along.’ She paused, looking nervous, and wet her lips before continuing: ‘Steve wanted me to pass on that he doesn’t want to come to these meetings any more.’
‘Oh really?’ Andy asked.
Hattie sat forward, intrigued.
‘We had a little conversation, outside of the group. And I thought he was very sweet, as I’ve always said, but he really does have the wrong picture about him and me, you know, and I told him so. So he said that he’s very sorry to everyone, but he’s probably not going to be coming by again.’
‘That’s very sad,’ said Andy.
‘I know it’s sad, but it’s how I feel, and I’m happy that he respects that.’
Andy said that they would drop Steve an email to see how he was doing, and Freddie made a mental note to ask whether Andy could pass on his email address too. It would be a good thing, he decided, to check in on Steve and see if he could be a friend. Especially if he was trying to get over someone. It was something they had in common after all.
‘Well, I went on another date,’ Cathryn said, after it was clear that she had room to talk.
‘How did it go?’ Hattie asked.
‘As well as could be expected. She was called Amy, a publisher. Something to do with science and textbooks, I think? All went a bit over my head. She was very serious.’
‘Did you like her?’ Andy asked.
‘Well, I thought she was very cold, you know, but some people are a bit like that, aren’t they. So we went to dinner after meeting for drinks first, and you know what, I just wasn’t feeling it. I kept waiting for her to warm up, to smile. It all felt a bit business-like. But the weird thing was that she seemed to like me. Kept insisting that I stay longer, just have another drink.’
‘Did you?’ Hattie asked, interested.
‘No, I just wanted to get home and catch up on this series I’m watching. That one about the serial killer. I do like a good serial killer story. Amy seemed a little disappointed, though. Isn’t that funny? It’s the first time a woman seems genuinely interested in me, and I’m not interested in her back.’