“These are the moments when I ask myself what the hell I’m doing with my life,” Francesco told me quietly with a smile. I appreciated how he always stayed behind to explain things to me when the others spoke Italian.
“What’s the problem?” I asked.
“Rob is saying they were supposed to bring two spotlights to illuminate both the groom and the balcony. Davide says to just point the spotlight on the balcony and Vincenzo says that it makes much more sense to point the light on Davide, since he’ll be singing.”
I chuckled. “And what do you think?” I asked Fra.
“That I don’t give a shit either way.”
“Are all Italian weddings like this?”
“Good God, no. Only in the south. I wouldn’t survive this madness all year round.”
Suddenly, Jenn’s voice coming from a room on the third floor of the building captured my attention. “James, are you guys ready? The girls are done with the manicure, they’re coming to the living room. Hurry up with this fucking serenade already!”
Fra and I exchanged a look. “Talk about spontaneity,” he said.
Francesco said something to the others and put an end to the argument. They decided to discard the spotlight in the end, and the show started. The guitars started playing a sort of tarantella which Davide sang in their local dialect. Claudia and her friends came to the balcony right away. She was laughing and her friends clapped their hands and whistled to the rhythm of the music. Soon I realized other people were watching us from their house windows and when the three songs were over, they all clapped their hands and screamed “bravo!” and “viva gli sposi!”
After a round of applause worthy of a rock concert, Claudia’s mom came to the balcony and invited us all upstairs. The house was clean and elegantly decorated. In the living room, a buffet of appetizers and wine was waiting for us. Just looking at the sandwiches, pizza, snacks, salami, cheese and bread lying on the table made my stomach growl. Jenn and I filled a plate and drank a glass of red wine each, as she told me that the next day she and two other cousins were going to go to Claudia and Davide’s new house to “prepare” their bed.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“Basically it’s something the young girls of the family have to do. We have to make their bed with super fancy silk sheets and stuff some money into the pillows, I guess. It’s a dumb tradition,” she explained.
“Don’t call it dumb. All these traditions are kind of fascinating to me,” I said.
Rob laughed from behind me and handed me another glass of wine. “This one is stupid, though. The tradition is not about the ‘young girls’ of the family. It’s about the ‘virgins’ of the family.”
I was slightly confused. “How can you tell?”
“That’s why it’s dumb,” Jenn said. “If you aren’t married, you’re expected to be a virgin.”
“Welcome to the 17th century,” Francesco commented with a straight face.
“Anyway,” Rob said, watching his aunt come into the living room with a giant tray in her hands, “looks like the spaghetti is ready. Who wants some?”
Jenn and Francesco immediately handed their plates to him. Rob looked at me expectantly.
“That wasn’t really a question, was it?” I said.
“Oh, no,” he confirmed, “you’re not allowed to go home until you try it.”
ROBERTO
I knew I should probably wake James up, but he was so lovely as he slept quietly with his head on my chest that I couldn’t bring myself to. I grinned, remembering his embarrassed face when I told him he was right about being great at blowjobs.
Pinned down by the weight of James’ body, I tried not to move and to keep my breath steady. I dropped my head back onto the couch pillow and looked at the ceiling, enjoying the silence surrounding us. The house was so quiet that I could only hear the clock ticking in the kitchen, and James’ breath. If I closed my eyes, other than hearing it, I could also feel it, a thousand times stronger. I could feel the air filling his lungs and his chest moving regularly, pressed tightly against me. Suddenly I realized that I was going to miss this as much as his mouth on me, and something ached desperately inside of me. In a couple of weeks, I would be back in Milan, sleeping alone in a new apartment somewhere in that gray city, and James would be so far away from me, on the other side of the world.
Soon, he would meet someone new. In a few months, someone else might be holding him like I was holding him now. In a few years, he might forget everything about me.
And I? I had never experienced such powerful emotions before James, and deep inside of me I knew I could never share this again with another person. Because there was no one in the world like him.
Don’t leave me.
What would he do if I told him that? What would he do if I showed him the desperation I had inside at the bare thought of being away from him? I had never felt so weak before. I couldn’t put the weight of my weakness on James. I had sworn to myself I would support him; I didn’t want to become a burden to him.
The lock of the front door clicked, and Marco came in. He walked in the dark and threw his jacket on the armchair right next to the couch.
“Is this the time to come back home?” I said quietly.
I had done my best not to startle him, but I could feel him jump back anyway.
“What the–” he started, but stopped himself as he took a look at the couch and saw me gesturing to keep quiet. Despite the commotion, James was still sound asleep.
Marco heaved a sigh and let himself fall into the armchair. “Seriously, find a way to sneak him into your room. I’m starting to pity you.”
“That’s hitting a new low for me,” I replied, and I wasn’t even kidding.
“Where have you been tonight?” Marco asked.
“Davide’s serenade.”
He chuckled. “Lame.”
“Tell me again in a few years, when you’ll be the one getting married.”
Marco just stared at me for a while. “I don’t think I’ll ever want to get married.”
I tentatively smiled at him. “One of us will have to do it, or our parents will be heartbroken.”
“That’s totally gonna be you.” He exhaled. “Just, don’t marry a guy you don’t even want only to make our parents happy.”
My eyes naturally turned to James. “It’s ironic, isn’t it?” My words burned in my mouth as they came out. “I’ve finally found someone I truly want, and I’m going to lose him just like that… In a week, he’ll be gone. No matter how tightly I can hold him now, he…”
“Why don’t you tell him? You look pretty pathetic already, so why don’t you just get on your knees and beg him to stay?”
I smiled bitterly. “That’d be nice. I don’t have the confidence to do that.”
Marco’s mouth fell open. “You don’t have the confidence? Who are you and what did you do to my brother?”
“James deserves someone who’ll make him happy. I’m not sure I can do that long-term. My past relationships taught me what a terrible lover I am.”