“What?” he asked me, and only then I realized I had been staring at him.
“I remember someone reminding me that drinking age in the US is twenty-one,” I said with a sly smile.
He got a refill and offered me his glass. “Be my partner in crime?” he said, looking at me from under his eyelashes.
I took the glass –of course I did– and then whispered, “Yes, you’re totally a menace.”
Marco finally joined us, saying, “I checked the table, we’ll be sitting super close to them. We’re at the cousins’ table. Francesco too.”
“What about Jenn?” James asked. I was pleasantly surprised that he had understood what Marco said. He might have a great talent for languages.
“Jenn will be at the family table with her parents and Davide’s family,” I explained. “Don’t worry, that’s very close to us.” I had to hold back kissing James’ pout off his lips.
At our table, I introduced James to the cousins he still hadn’t met. I could still see people at the other tables looking at us and whispering behind our backs, and I fucking hated it. Luckily, James seemed not to notice. When he lifted his beautiful, blue eyes to look at me and made a comment about the menu of the day being apparently endless, I couldn’t stop myself and brought my hand to his face, caressing it softly. I wasn’t expecting silence to fall on the table so quickly. James averted his gaze and took my hand away.
Shit.
Francesco immediately resumed talking with our cousins, and everything went back to usual, but James wouldn’t look back into my eyes.
“Why did you do that?” he whispered to me.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to embarrass you,” I said.
James shook his head. “No, Rob, I mean… why?”
I opened my mouth and closed it again, unable to say anything. I didn’t know what he meant. I felt agitated and confused, and I had no idea why.
I moved my gaze away and met my brother’s eyes. His face seemed to be saying to me, “Seriously?!”
Marco heaved a sigh and left the table for a while.
The lunch, which was slowly turning into dinner, went on smoothly. James and I talked as usual with the others, but we didn’t touch each other at all. He seemed to be avoiding me. Between the two fish seconds, after the slow dances and the surprise video, the band that was playing asked if anyone wanted to sing. Two people went on stage to dedicate a song either to their significant other or to the couple, and after that I was called on stage by the singer.
She spoke as though I had volunteered to go singing, which I obviously hadn’t. I was about to explain there must be some kind of misunderstanding, when Jenn and Marco started cheering my name, followed by the other cousins. I looked over at my brother and from the annoyed glare he shot me, I understood he had been the one who had volunteered me when he disappeared from the table a while back. When even Claudia started looking at me expectantly, I realized I really had no choice.
I walked to the stage and asked the singer, “Err… what am I supposed to sing again?”
She showed me the screen of her computer where the lyrics were displayed, and I was tempted to go strangle Marco in front of everyone. My brother couldn’t have chosen a more embarrassing song to play in front of our entire family. I cleared my throat and my eyes found James. I could tell he was looking forward to hearing me sing.
Fuck everything. If I can make James happy, I’m going to rock this song until the last note.
The song started, and I sang the first verse, staring into James’ eyes. For a moment, I wished the lyrics were in English. He was a romantic, and he would have loved it. I took a mental note to translate it for him later, but right now, I hoped my voice would be enough.
As I sang one of the most romantic songs of my teenage years, dedicated to a sudden, powerful and undeniable love, I found myself smiling. James’ eyes were shining, and I couldn’t believe how beautiful he was. What was he doing to me? What magic was he trapping me in, that I could feel so lost, and then find myself again in his eyes? And what was I doing to him? Earlier he seemed as lost as I was. Maybe I was confusing him, too. Because of my neediness, of my fear of losing him… or of my fear of putting a name to what I felt for him.
I love you, the song said, in Italian. Then it repeated it, and said it again, again and again. I chuckled. That was easy. Why did it take me so long? What was I running from? My eyes were stinging, and my chest was burning. I let out all my feelings, shouting them into the chorus.
I wondered if James understood I was basically screaming my love for him in front of two hundred people. I knew he felt something; I could see it on his face. I hoped he could hear my heart crying, over everything, even if I was… even if I was such a klutz. Just like the title of the song, Imbranato. Perfect for me. Perfect for us.
The hall was completely silent. I dived into the song, not caring about anything else in the world. I loved him. I loved him in a clumsy, ridiculous way, but that was unmistakably love; a feeling I had craved for so long, I’d almost lost hope. It made perfect sense that it was James who gifted it to me.
I wished that moment could last forever, but I was running out of time. When the last chorus ended, the music kept playing and I knew I had to do something before it faded. I dropped the microphone to the floor and ran to James. He stood up; his eyes were shining, his lips parted, and I had to kiss him, but not here, not like this, not in front of everyone. So I grabbed his wrist and ran outside with him. Someone whistled and clapped their hands, but we didn’t turn around. We ran through the park, beyond the fountains, up to the fence which separated the property from the surrounding hills.
I pushed James to the fence and molded our mouths together. Finally, finally, finally. Holding back was killing me.
JAMES
Don’t let your fears ruin the way you feel right now.
I had decided to enjoy my day to its fullest after talking with Francesco. He was right; I had to live in the moment. Sadness would come to me, later… but not today.
At least, until Rob touched my face, and looked at me like… like he was in love with me.
Why? I asked him. What I couldn’t say, afraid of his answer, was Why do you look at me like that?
I was afraid to hear him say that he loved me.
I had thought, a few times, that he might feel for me what I felt for him. Then an ugly, mean voice inside of me would remind me that I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love, let alone Roberto’s. In a distorted way, that thought was comforting. It made me feel at ease; it made me feel happy, lucky and grateful for what I had. That way, I wouldn’t end up wanting things I couldn’t have. An unrequited love would make separation easier.
Don’t get carried away. You were lucky enough. Don’t push your luck.
Those thoughts ran through my head without mercy as Rob kissed me. The contrast between my fears and my most hidden dreams was overwhelming; it made me want to cry and beg him to be with me forever. The kiss didn’t feel like any other kiss we had shared until that moment. It tasted of necessity and desperation, and I gave in to it, letting him take my soul away.
“James,” Rob whispered my name almost as if it was a magic spell. He fell on his knees, and he was laughing, and I knew that emotion in his eyes: that was happiness. I had never seen Rob like this; open, unguarded… vulnerable. It made me feel strange. My hands were shaking, I realized.