I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to my chest. I dropped my face to his hair, closed my eyes, and breathed him in.
“James,” he said again, and I knew what was coming, so I tightened my arms around him.
“Don’t say anything,” I murmured, unable to stop the tears. “Please…”
He reluctantly released the hug and caressed my face, drying my tears. “Okay,” he whispered. “What do you want me to do?”
I thought I should say, “Let’s go back inside,” but instead I said, “Take me to bed.”
ROBERTO
I had no idea what he had in mind. But never understanding what he was thinking was one of the things that I loved the most about James. He looked tense while I was driving us home, but as soon as I closed the door of my house behind my back, he was in my arms, kissing me like I was all he needed to live. Or maybe that was me; I wasn’t sure anymore.
There was something about the idea of having James in my bed that was driving me insane, in a good way. I realized I had wanted him there for far longer than I had allowed myself to think.
This is perfect, I thought as he pulled me closer, dragging me on top of him on the mattress. I kissed his red lips, his jaw, and stopped only when I reached his neck to bite into his soft skin, feeling his pulse raging against my tongue.
James’ fingers yanked my hair as he whispered, “I want you.”
“I know,” I said, sucking harder on his neck.
A long moan escaped his lips before he said, “No… Rob. Listen.”
I lifted myself up on my elbows and slid closer to look into his eyes. James’ face was flushed, and his eyes glazed. “As much as I love the blowjobs and everything… I want to go all the way with you.”
God. I had hoped to hear him say that, sooner or later. But… “Are you sure?” I asked.
“It’s not my first time, you know,” he said, averting his gaze.
“I know, but…” I didn’t know how to mention his past without bringing up painful memories. “Did you ever even–”
“I don’t want to talk about it. I already know it will be different. It’s okay.”
I heaved a sigh. “’Different’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘better.’ We should talk, first.”
As an answer, James looped his arms around my neck and pulled me into a soft and heartwarming kiss. “Of course it will be better,” he whispered to me. “This time it’s with you.”
I found myself smiling at him, more than a little flattered. “You’re putting some pressure on me, you know. I already feel like this were my first time all over again.”
His eyes widened, as if he wasn’t expecting to hear any of that. “Why?” he asked, and he seemed genuinely curious.
“Because this time it’s with you,” I said, giving voice to my most intimate thoughts.
James swallowed air and slid his hands on my chest, stopping over my heart. “I never enjoyed it much, to be honest. But I never wanted it like this, either.”
“Okay,” I whispered. “I really want you to enjoy it this time, so please, be honest with me. If it hurts, or if you feel uncomfortable or end up remembering something bad, tell me. We can stop any time. Promise?”
He quietly nodded his head. “Promise,” he said with a shy smile. “No pressure?”
I chuckled and pressed a kiss on his lips. “No pressure.”
JAMES
I had dreamed of feeling like this a million times, but reality had always been awfully different for me.
My past experiences had been cold and impersonal, and they usually left me upset and vaguely unsatisfied, when it went well. When it didn’t go well, I’d feel so grossed out I couldn’t look myself in the mirror for a few days.
It all seemed so far away now.
My mind was kind of fogged and confused, but my heart pounded in my chest, and every single sensation I was blessed enough to feel was stronger than everything I had ever known. My face flushed, my skin burned in every spot Rob touched, and the air I breathed felt so cold inside my throat. But even if I was unguarded, vulnerable, and exposed, I wasn’t afraid. In Rob’s arms, I knew I had nothing to fear. I was safe: I was in the safest place in the world.
When he pressed into me slowly, I finally felt whole. Rob completed me, taking my breath away, sharing his heartbeat with me.
I took, took and took everything he was willing to give me, in the most selfish way.
I didn’t know love could hurt this good.
ROBERTO
I had never even dreamed I could feel like this. Reality had never been half as intense as what I was experiencing now with James.
I thought I knew all there was to know about sex, but I had never realized how intimate and private it could be. James was giving me everything; literally everything he had.
His body was mine, tightly pinned under mine, enclosing around me with every thrust, responding to my every movement. His mind was mine, too. He called my name, over and over, as any coherent thought slowly dissolved into deep kisses.
I was overwhelmed with the desire to give him everything I was discovering and that he never knew. So I gave him my heart, my feelings, my life, for the very first time, in the most selfless way.
I didn’t know love could feel this good.
◆◆◆
I must be half asleep. I can hear your heart beating and I can feel your breath on my skin. I hold you just a little tighter, and you sleepily nuzzle at my neck. And this feels almost as good as sex.
I love you.
I don’t know why you didn’t want to hear it before, but ’ll tell you, tomorrow.
◆◆◆
I woke up at 1 p.m., alone. I reached for my phone and found a message from Mom from last night where she wrote, “We’re staying at Aunt Maria’s place for the night. You forgot to leave your gift, but I took care of it.”
I closed the message without answering, and started looking for James. He was nowhere to be seen. I was about to call him when I noticed a note on my nightstand.
“I’m sorry,” it said. Just that. I swallowed some air, more than confused. Sorry for what? James was unpredictable, and always too hard on himself. I didn’t want him to think he did anything wrong. I had to talk to him.
He didn’t pick up my calls, so I went out, directly to his house, without even taking a shower. I knocked but nobody answered. I told myself Claire and Richard must be at the beach. But would both of them leave the house when Mary wasn’t able to walk on her own yet? Maybe they brought her with them to the beach, somehow. If that were the case, James should be home alone. Maybe he was asleep. Or maybe he wasn’t home after all. Uncertainty was doing bad things to my nerves.
I knocked again. Nothing.
I told myself I shouldn’t panic, but… it wasn’t like him to leave without a word, and that note had to mean something. I just had to confirm that everything was all right between us. Before leaving, I tried calling him one more time, and for a moment, I unmistakably heard the first two or so notes of his ringtone on the other side of the door. So he was there. And he had muted the call. Why, why, why?