“James?” I called him. “You’re there, aren’t you?” I touched the door and dropped my forehead on it. “James, talk to me. Are you freaking out? Is this what’s happening? Or did I do something I shouldn’t have?”
A hand slid on the wood on the other side of the door. He was there, so close to me. Just a few inches away.
“Open the door, please,” I said. “What does that note mean? I… did I hurt you? If I did, I didn’t mean to, James. Whatever I’ve done to make you angry, it wasn’t on purpose. Please at least tell me what’s wrong. Give me a chance.”
In the painful silence that followed, I heard a muffled sob. Was he crying? I couldn’t stand the thought of James crying, so close to me, unable to do anything.
I took a deep breath and said, “James, if you don’t open this door now, I’m going to break your living room window and come in.” Still no answer. I exhaled loudly and added, “I don’t want the glass to hurt you, make sure you’re far enough from it.” I picked a rock from the ground and aimed at the window.
“Roberto, what in the world do you think you’re doing?” Claire’s voice said as she opened the same window that I was about to smash open.
“Claire!” I exclaimed, not without surprise. I didn’t think any of them were home. I was about to ask about James, but she interrupted me before I could say anything.
“If you’re looking for James, he isn’t home. He’s running some errands with Richard.”
She was as bad at lying as James was.
“He’s not picking up my calls,” I said, giving a look at the door that unequivocally meant, “I know he’s here, stop bullshitting me.”
“He forgot to bring his phone,” Claire replied dryly. Then, clearing her throat, “I’ll make sure to tell him you were looking for him.”
I lost all the strength I had in me. I dropped the rock to the ground, and headed back home. I dragged myself upstairs and sat on my bed. I touched the sheets, remembering how just a few hours ago James had been there, in my arms.
I stared at his note: I’m sorry.
I remembered how he made love to me last night, openly, desperately, as if every kiss was the last, and I realized that our first time sure felt a lot like a last time, too.
Words I had tried to forget came back to me and hit me hard, right in my heart.
I wish one day your James will do to you what you did to me today. You deserve it.
JAMES
Please, go away. Don’t make this even harder.
I tried to stay silent, I tried to muffle the tears, I tried to hold my breath, but Roberto already knew that I was there.
As he asked me to open the door, I was so tempted to do it. I could open the door, fall into his arms, let him bring me to heaven again and again, for the next three days.
And then?
In four days, I’d be back home. In the place where people called me a whore and laughed behind my back. Where I had no friends and where my grandparents and relatives were disgusted by me.
This vacation had been a dream. A wonderful dream that I wished I could keep living forever. A dream that was about to end, no matter how I tried not to think about it.
“Take me to bed.” Since I uttered those words last night, I knew that it would be the first and last time I’d have Rob inside me. I egotistically decided I wanted this final memory of him, but now that I had had him in me – body and soul – the idea of losing him was destroying me.
I wanted to run away, to someplace love wouldn’t follow.
“James, if you don’t open this door now, I’m going to break your living room window and come in.”
I lifted my teary eyes up from behind my knees and immediately my hands covered my mouth to prevent more sobs from coming out. I thought I wanted him to go away, and yet his words made me so happy I could die.
“James, what’s going on?!” Mom’s shocked voice brought me back to reality. She ran down the stairs, rushing to me and lovingly touching my face. She looked confused, and possibly angry.
“I don’t want the glass to hurt you, make sure you’re far enough from it,” Rob said just outside the door.
“What the–” Mom glanced outside and back at me at the speed of light. “Do you want me to send him away?”
No.
I bit the back of my hand as more tears ran down my cheeks and spasms were growing into my chest. I forced myself to nod my head in approval.
I closed my eyes, biting hard into my own flesh, listening to Mom chasing away the love of my life because I had asked her to.
“He’s gone,” Mom said, dropping on her knees by my side. “James, you have to tell me what’s going on.”
An ugly, disgusting hint of laughter came out of me. “It’s over, Mom.”
She gently stroked my back, and I literally felt her eyes focusing on my hand, where the marks of my teeth were red and pulsing with pain.
“Before you ask,” I continued, “he didn’t do anything bad to me. I’m ghosting him.”
“But why?” she asked. “You looked so happy with him until yesterday.”
I opened my arms. “Look at me,” I sighed. “Should I ask that man to get into a long-distance relationship with me?”
Mom pulled me in a hug, caressing my head slowly. Somehow, I was expecting her to say the usual thing about me having to believe more in myself, work on my self-esteem and bla, bla, bla. Instead, she said, “It’s okay, James. It’s okay not to be ready.”
I felt my mouth drop open. I realized that I had needed to hear those words for a long time.
ROBERTO
“Today I made insalata di riso,” Mom said cheerfully while we all sat down at our dining table. “I wanted to make some polpette too but it’s impossible to turn on the oven when the weather’s so hot.” I could literally feel her eyes on me. “Did you see that black smoke up on the mountain? Another fire! I bet some delinquent did it.”
“As always, Mamma,” Marco said.
Silence fell again in the room. I stared at my plate, and all I could do was wonder if James had ever had insalata di riso and if he liked it. I hadn’t seen him at all since the wedding. He pretended he was never home, he didn’t go to the beach and he never replied to my calls and texts. Two more days, and he’d be gone forever.
I’m sorry.
I never thought those words could become such a curse. But they tormented me, day and night. And when they woke me up one night, I finally got the only possible meaning behind them:
I’m sorry, but you want too much from me.
History was repeating itself. Only, this time I didn’t get bored like Francesco predicted in the beginning. This time, the only one time I fell in love, James didn’t love me back.
“Anyway,” Mom continued, “at the wedding I heard Uncle Antonio say that the ten-course meal was ‘ridiculous’ according to him, and that at the end of the party he was still hungry! But seriously, after the buffet, the appetizers, two first courses, two second courses, dessert buffet, macedonia and wedding cake, what else were those poor kids supposed to do? I hope he didn’t give them less money because of this.”