“I thought James was different,” Marco’s voice said from behind me. He was standing right next to the door.
“Don’t think badly of him. Because I don’t,” I said.
“No, that’s not what I meant.” Marco shook his head and came in to sit at my desk. “I meant that I thought he would be different for you. But in the end, you’re giving up on him, like you did with all the others.”
For a moment, I was tempted to punch him in the face. “You’re just a kid. Forcing my feelings on him wouldn’t be right, Marco. He left me because he wants to be free, and no matter how it hurts… I have to let him go.”
“Okay,” Marco said. “Sure, that makes sense. So I guess you talked about it, like two adults, right?”
I tried swallowing the lump in my throat, but it was a lost battle. “No, we… didn’t talk.”
“So you don’t actually know that’s the reason why he left you. And you’re giving up on him without even asking him.”
“I tried to talk to him, okay?” I was losing patience. “If he doesn’t want to, I’m not going to force him. Chasing the person you love stopped being cool years ago. Now it’s called stalking.”
Marco let out a sigh. “Yeah, sorry,” he stood up and walked to the door. Before leaving, he turned around for a moment and said, “I guess I overestimated you both.”
◆◆◆
It took us almost two hours to say goodbye to everyone. We went to Grandpa and Grandma first, and seeing Grandpa so happy remembering the wedding, I didn’t have the guts to tell them that James and I broke up.
Then we toured all the houses of our uncles and aunts, and each one of them insisted on making us coffee. I drank two espressos, and when I was about to accept the third, Francesco slapped me on the back of my head saying that he wasn’t going to spend twelve hours in the car with me high off caffeine. I was already so nervous and restless that I could understand what he meant.
Our friends came to say goodbye at my place, to help us load the car. No matter the short notice, Mom still managed to fill two huge cardboard boxes with all kinds of food. Francesco shot me a look that clearly meant, “How long will my car smell like cheese now?” and I simply told him, “Be happy, no grocery shopping for a while.”
My eyes kept going back to James’ house. Was he home? He wasn’t at Jenn’s place when we visited them, so he should be home. Was he looking from one of the windows?
Please, come here. Ask me to stay.
Richard, Claire and Mary came to say goodbye instead. Mary insisted that we followed each other on social media and hugged me tightly. Richard wished me good luck with everything. I couldn’t help noticing that they were completely avoiding even saying James’ name.
“Rob, can I talk to you alone?” Claire asked me. We left the others at the car and walked to the fence separating the two houses. Where I spoke with James for the first time. “I heard about the wedding,” she told me. “It sounded like a huge love confession.”
I scoffed. “Yeah. A twently-six-year-old screaming in front of two hundred people that he loves a kid he’s known for the grand total of one month. If I say it like that, it’s no wonder he dumped my ass.”
Claire shook her head. “I think it was really sweet. James… he’s really fragile, you know. He still has so much to figure out, about himself and about relationships. You’re older and I understand that you’re looking for a stable relationship, but… it’s too early for him.”
I averted my eyes, feeling completely ridiculous. “Yeah, I figured.” Then I gave in to the stress and the two espressos running in my bloodstream, and finally I told her, “Take care of him, for real this time. Don’t make him feel like he’s trash ever again.” It might have not been my place to tell her how to raise her son, but I didn’t give a shit. If James was so hurt now, it was because Claire and Richard had failed him. If I could stay with him, I would do the impossible to always make him feel cherished and loved.
Contrary to my expectations, Claire didn’t seem angry about what I had just said. “I’m really happy, Rob, that you care so much for my son,” she told me, and said goodbye with a gentle hug.
I waited and prayed until the last second for James to come out of his house. But he didn’t.
Francesco drove us out of town. I couldn’t say a word. I couldn’t even think about anything but James. I lost him. Where did I go wrong?
Fra was as quiet as I was. When we stopped at a rest area near Rome to eat our lunch, I finally found the strength to ask him what was wrong. I wasn’t completely sure I’d be able to have a conversation right now, but I owed him to try.
“Okay, there’s something I have to tell you. James made me promise I’d give it to you only when we were back in Milan, but…”
My heart skipped a beat just hearing his name. “James? You talked to him?”
“Of course I did. Do you think I’d leave without saying goodbye?” Fra opened his backpack and took out an envelope… a letter, I realized.
“He wrote me a letter?” I said, my eyes captured by the cream-colored paper Francesco had in his hands.
“Yeah, he wanted you to have it once we were in Milan. The thing is, I can’t wait that long to give it to you.” Francesco’s eyes were really dark, almost trembling. “Rob, you love this boy. It was stupid and irrational, but you fell in love with him. Why not be stupid and irrational until the end? I know you think you’re doing what is right, but what if you’re not? What if you both regret this for the rest of your lives?”
“Fra…” I was speechless.
“I miss Eric, Rob. Can you believe it? That man broke my heart into a thousand pieces and I still miss him, so much it hurts. I wish I could go back. I wish I asked him why he chased me away. All my life now is a joke, and no matter how hard I try to cover up the void in my heart with work and sex, we both know it’s all bullshit. I’m broken, and I don’t want you to break, too. You… deserve better than this.”
I didn’t think he’d bring up Eric, after all those years. I took a mental note to talk to him again about this, when we were home. But first, there was something else I had to do.
I bit the inside of my cheek and opened James’ letter.
JAMES
Rob,
I’m not sure how to start this letter. It’s my fifth try. I think I liked how I had started the second, but I threw it away and I’m too tired right now to go through my trash can, so I guess I’ll just improvise.
I hoped I could do at least this right and write you a wonderful goodbye letter, but I’m a lost cause. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about so many things.
All my life, I’ve been a disappointment to the people I love. Now I am a disappointment to you too. If I started apologizing, this letter could go on forever. I’m not even sure I want you to forgive me… I don’t think I deserve it.
Instead, I want to thank you. Thank you, Rob, for being the most amazing boyfriend I could ever have. You forgave my mistakes, you accepted me, and you loved me like no one ever did and like no one will ever do.