“Krishna.”
“No. I’m sorry about whatever you’re going through, I can tell it’s weighing you down, but what you won’t do is use me again and forget about me come morning.”
“That’s what you think I did? You thought I forgot about you?” He leaned in with his hands clasped together and elbows resting on his knees, face all bunched up. “How could I forget you when you are the reason, I have a slither of sanity left? I’ve watched you, Krishna. Watched you go into South Crenshaw High School for your interview. Watched you come out skipping and dancing to your car because they hired you on the spot. A black pencil skirt, a copper blouse with matching heels. As soon as you got in your car you took out the bun.” He chuckled. “I’ve been here, Krishna. You may not have seen me, but I’ve been here. Watching you. Learning you from afar.”
“But why, Amell? What does this mean?” I hiccupped trying to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed with emotions.
He took my hands in his and kissed my knuckles. “It means that I’m tired of waiting but I don’t know what to do from here. Am I wrong and selfish for coming because I saw that you were with another man? Depends on who you ask. But Gazelle.” My heart fluttered hearing him call me by middle name. It was the sweetest sound.
“Gazelle look me in my eyes and tell me that you don’t love me anymore. Tell me that you want to move on, and I swear I’ll have you in Georgia before the night is over.” How did he know where I was going?
Even if I told Amell that I loved him, what would change? That’s what I needed to know. He came here out of jealousy, but what happened after he subdued my longing? Would he be here to help me lick my wounds or finally invest in us? I had a heart of over running love to give him, what did he have for me? “Amell, why are you here? Why bring JD? Why come to me now?”
It took everything in me to not reach out to touch him seeing the fight. Words weren’t part of my love language, but I needed his words of affirmation to calm the slow breaking of my heart.
His hands ran up and down his head. He never been here before, I got that. I was willing to help but first he had to meet me halfway.
“I’m risking my relationship with your parents by making you mine. Risking the lives of my brothers. Risking my life. I’m not a good man, Gazelle. These hands have slaughtered unapologetically. Every type of badge in law enforcement is on my payroll. If they ever feel like turning on me, they’ll lose every member of their family. Even if I’m behind bars there is always someone ready to move on my behalf. I carry hurt and guilt over my best friend and his sister dying. I have trust issues like a motherfucker.
“JD is the softest spot I have with you coming in second. I don’t even bring him around my brothers. To me he’s a second chance to fix what I failed to do the first time. He’s getting older which means I’ll be stepping down from everything soon. My brothers run most of everything now, your father retired years ago and I’m following suit because I can’t do it anymore. I’ve turned into this vicious killing animal with no soul. Is this the man that you want?” To be like Clover Kalmin or not to be?
The million-dollar question.
Loving Amell meant becoming the woman I hated for a long period of my life. I might understand her decisions now but what if Amell and I had children? We both know that him stepping down wasn’t an overnight thing especially with his family involved. I read between the lines. Amell was stepping down from the things that made him empty. Stepping away from the things that caused grief to others.
“Do you have a plan for us, or you didn’t think that far?”
Our eyes collided. A magnetic pull that gravitated me into his lap. Upon first contact his nose and lips found home in the dip of my neck making me shudder. Hands that I remembered the feel of so vividly locked around my back, infusing us chest to chest.
“Tell me what you want, Krishna. I already feel like an asshole for bullying my way into your life because I’m jealous.” His words were mumbled as he ran his nose up and down my neck.
Those feelings I talked to Noelani about. Wanting to be touched. Wanting to be pleased. Wanting all the sensuality and passion a man all about me could.
That’s what I wanted.
But at what consequence?
Painfully, I removed myself from his hold and stood on solid ground. My legs were on the verge of giving out. Heart confused and mind spiraling out of control.
“I want tonight. I want you to give me you, one hundred percent, and then you’re going to get me to Georgia by the morning.” That’s all I could give. Amell forgot that I had a front row seat to this, to his life. I resented my parents for it, and no matter how confusing him being here, I had to think about me.
JD coming was his way of trying to lighten the mood and place a protective blanket over the real issue. Amell is jealous and thought that by coming here I’d jump at the idea of being with him. Thought I’d get these thoughts of us being a family with JD. Him telling me that he was retiring only leveled the notch of manipulation he was willing to go to keep me from being with another man.
So many parts of me got excited about it, but the sane part of me screamed to tell him to go.
“Everything I said, you just going to ignore that?” He stood before me with those onyx eyes darkening by the second. “You’d rather be with that nigga over me? I’m giving you what you want, Krishna.”
“No you’re not, Amell. What you’re doing is manipulation. You’re trying to pacify me with dreams, and I refuse to fall for it regardless of how much I want this moment. It’s only happening because your ass is jealous. Hell, no I’m not going to be with you. Being with you means what exactly? You can’t even tell me. All you saw was me happy with someone that wasn’t you.” Why couldn’t he see what he was doing was wrong and selfish?
With his hands in pockets he began pacing back and forth. Head tossed back and eyes closed. “Forgive me for my ignorance but I don’t know what to do, Krishna Gazelle. I can hardly put my feelings in words other than knowing that it stung my fucking heart to see you hugged up with another man. I-I can’t tell you how I feel because I never been here before. Never been in the space of wanting you beyond your pussy.”
He made such a dirty word sound so erotic.
“Never have I fought with all my might to keep myself away from someone but damn near stalk them. Are you aware that I’m out here at least once every three months, sometimes more? Of course, not because if you did Garrett wouldn’t even exist. It is true, in the beginning I barely paid you any mind. You were a child who had nothing to offer me. Even when I came to you that night, your potential in my life became clear but I fought it because it still didn’t feel right.
“I want you because you see me, Gazelle. It’s like you call out to me like an enchantress. A siren encompassing my melody, a sweet song that steadies the beat of my heart and function of my lungs. You, enchantress, control the movement of my thoughts and where they go. I barely know you, but I care for you more than I care for myself. The unfamiliarity of it all is understood on some crazy ass level that makes me want to covet you. It’s the reason why I’ll chase every man away who tries to have the last dance.”