“Get everybody in place. I’m changing my clothes and then I’ll be there. You ready to crash a wedding?”
In the second grade my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and my answer was to be like my dad; strong willed, reliable, powerful. At that age there wasn’t a greater man alive like my dad. He provided for our family, made my mother smile, took time to teach me how to throw a football. He was a good man until faced with adversity. Like a coward he crumbled and became worthless.
“Amell.”
The day that I killed him I thought my life had ended. Thought I’d go to jail for trying to protect my brothers. In some twisted fate I think my spirit died along with him. Maybe it was my perfect perception that I had of him and myself, whatever it was it died, and the birth of heartlessness grew in the hollow places of my soul.
“Yo, Amell. You gotta stop man.”
When I turned eighteen Mitch gifted me my first Mercedes and half of a million dollars. He said it was because I earned it. I listened under his guidance and became what he wanted me to be heartless.
I took the keys and bag of money with numbness. He celebrated my ruthless behavior. Celebrated the fact that men shit their pants seeing me or hearing my name. He celebrated that I made no fuss when given a folder of a target to kill. All I asked was that no children were ever listed unless deserved. I’ve killed two children under the age of eighteen since I’ve been in the game. Both of them were boys who had perverted tendencies like raping their sisters.
I killed them with no remorse.
“Man somebody go get Mitch. If I touch him, he’s going to try and kill me.”
On my land I had a large pond filled with killing piranhas that had a diet of human flesh. Instead of throwing my victims into a lake or off the side of the road, I chopped them up and fed them to my fish and dogs. Three warehouse size deep freezers were filled with frozen human pieces that I used to keep my animals fed.
“Pacino, is that his skull? Shit. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Where the fuck is Mitch? Amell, man, you gotta stop. Please stop.”
Cassian and Atlas were the answers to a few of many prayers. They both graduated high school and college. Atlas had his own lab out in Belle Glades and a line of vitamins that were blowing the pharmaceutical companies out the water. I kept security on him twenty-four seven. Taking money out of any one’s pockets meant that he walked around with a constant target on his back. Besides his lab he married the mayor of Fort Lauderdale’s daughter.
Cassian had grown up from being a teenage pain in my ass to an adult pain in my ass, but I loved him, nonetheless. His prankster personality was needed. Rims & Hoes was everything he wanted it to be and more. Dudes from all over the south came to his custom body shop. They made me proud. I did what I promised to do protect them and give them a life they deserved.
Along with teaching them to be better men than me I preached on keeping God first and using wisdom in any situation. Told them that when they’re in a room with wisdom to listen more than they speak. Listen to what is being said and to only talk when they were confident in what they had to say is worth being said out loud.
Wealth is quiet. Rich is loud.
Lastly, excuses are the tools of the weak and incompetent. They build bridges to nowhere and tunnels to nothingness... Those who excel in them seldom do in anything else, therefore, there are no excuses.
“What the fuck? How long has he been like this?”
“Mitch, I don’t know. He blacked out and we can’t get him to snap out of it.”
I self-inflicted misery by blocking out Krishna. What she gave me in those short few hours that night, I refused to be that weak again. I refused to let my guard down and let her take the forefront of my mind. Every second of every day my mind, body, and soul cried out for her. A wretched cry that left my chest sour and bruised. Mitch and Clover sent her away for a reason. Had her hidden for a reason.
She had a whole different last name for a reason.
Me going to her whenever I needed to lay my burdens down would only void everything her parents set in place. But that night, she changed everything for me. She changed me. The very essence of her womanhood was unknown, but I craved her like she was the sweetest forbidden fruit. Mitch wanted more for his daughter and me loving her, that would be worse than any father’s nightmare.
“Aye, I thought his fight was over a while ago? Why…what the fuck?”
“No shit, Sherlock. Your brother is in one of his zones and everybody too scared to snap him out of it.”
“What’s taking y’all so long? Is that Amell?”
“Aye, Boe, go wait in the car.”
“No, nigga. What the fuck man? Amell, snap out of it, man. Amell? Listen to my voice. It’s me, Atlas. It’s me, Young.”
My heart slowed down. The replay of my father beating on my brother’s faded. My mother’s screams fizzled. Odom in handcuffs and Nesha lying dead on a hospital bed, it all faded. JD crying missing his mother. Slowly it all vanished.
“Hand me that towel and bottle of water.”
“I think I’m going to be sick. Is that a piece of that man’s eye socket dangling from his hand?”
“Pacino get the fuck out if you’re going to be bitching up. Cassian, hurry up."
Each second that passed my breathing became steadier and my vision became clearer. The more Atlas talked the more I drifted out of that dead zone I favored. Many days I seeped to dark places. Thinking about the lives I took. Wondering what might be different in my life had I never killed father. I blacked out and it had everything to with Atlas. Last week he got married to the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I always knew the day would come. Atlas was the marrying type.
The day I never prepared to come was the day he began lying to my face. The day that he made me question if my sacrifices were in vain. The things I’ve done, the countless times I dodged death, him and Cassian were the root of my existence. However, Atlas showed me how much different by getting married. Choosing our mother over me. The same mother who barely cared for him once she pushed him out her womb.
Everything I did. Everything. It was for him to have a better life than I did. Every day I make sure that he has everything he wants even as a grown man. This is how he repays me by shitting on my loyalty for a conniving incubator who thinks I owe her. That shit broke me in ways I haven’t been able to understand. To him and those around it looked like we hashed things out, but I barely slept thinking about what he had done.
I wasn’t invited to his wedding because he wanted my mother to be present. Granted Cassian nor I were at the riverfront where they exchanged vows but at least Atlas invited Cassian to the reception. And me, I got nothing. My brother had the fucking audacity to look at me like he wanted to go to war with me over our mother.
Go to war with me over the woman who called us abominations. He chooses the woman who never loved him. He chooses the woman who used him like she tried to use me. She never loved him. She never wanted a relationship with him. All she wanted was money. That shit broke me to the point I needed to release that anger on someone else that wasn’t Atlas because I knew if I got my hands on him, I was liable to kill him.
“Here, Amell. Drink this.” Lifting my head, I studied Atlas face. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. He’s seen me at my worst but never has he seen me inflict death like this with my bare hands. Why should I care how he sees me? Not like he cares anything about me. This shit fucked with me. I felt like a scorned woman who had just caught her nigga cheating.